Microbiologist Colton Fritzler was ready to head home after another typical Tuesday, but was shocked when he walked past the clock, which showed that it was only 10:02 AM. Puzzled at the disparity, he immediately started researching bends in space time.

“It’s the only plausible explanation,” said Fritzler, who missed several important time points in his experiments as a result of his new research into black holes and time travel. “I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve definitely worked for at least eight hours today,” said Friztler. “Yet this clock is mistakenly showing that it’s only a quarter past ten.” 

His explanation? 

“It’s simple; we must be stuck in some sort of time flake.” Ween asked what a time flake was he refused to elaborate further.

While a full investigation into Fritzler’s claim is ongoing, Fritzler’s supervisor Dr. Rhea McFarlane remains skeptical.

“I mean, that’s ridiculous right?” said Dr. McFarlane. “Look here, my office clock has the same time as the one Fritzler is claiming ‘warped time.’”

“If he just wanted to go to the baseball game that he was talking about all week, he could have just asked,” sighed an exasperated Dr. McFarlane.

As research into this matter continues, it has already been met with skepticism from the scientific community, defying what many scientists refer to as “basic physics.”

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Oil industry executives from several manor companies have had a change of heart concerning the climate crisis, saying they plan to invest in new green energy, and add that the investments are in no way related to their recent 20 billion dollar loss on oil investments. 

“Sure, you can come at us and say that the only reason we are investing in green energy now is that we lost 20 billions dollars due to the volatility of oil this year, and you’d be totally right, because let me tell you this if oil prices were still at record highs we would not be having this conversation,” said Olly Baron, CEO of Globoil International Oil, as he was interrupted by his handler during the press conference. “I mean, [clears throat] Globoil has always been a leading force in green energy and technological advances in the energy sector… just forget the first thing I said.” 

Oil prices fell dramatically in 2020 due in part to the global COVID-19 crisis limiting travel, making these multi-billion dollar oil companies some of the greatest sufferers of the year, according to them.

“So you lost your $50k a year job, I personally lost several times that! Nevertheless, this is a situation that nobody wanted,” said Baron. “I mean we had to lay off thousands of workers in order to pay our executive bonuses, and that was a difficult decision. In the end, I think that hurt us more than it hurt our workers, you know? Emotionally or whatever?” 

While the oil company has so far not invested a penny in any promising green energy companies, Baron said they are committed to the investment for the long haul, “or until oil prices go up again.”

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After years of painstaking research, Neanderthal expert Dr. Samantha Workman and her team at the University of Victoria have confirmed what we’ve all suspected; that mating with a Neanderthal would have been absolutely bonkers good.

“Well, it’s simple really,” said Dr. Workman, “based on their stamina and their ability to use tools, the sex must have been amazing. Also, they were almost certainly cuddlers, based on those deep, brown eyes…”

Dr. Workman trailed off, seemingly lost in thought for 30 seconds before snapping back into it.

“I mean, before we discovered that humans and Neanderthals interbred, no one had ever even considered what sex with a Neanderthall was like,” explained Dr. Workman. “But the more I lay awake thinking about it, the harder I needed answers.” 

Eventually, Dr. Workman got her hands on Engis, the skeletal remains of a Neanderthal who died over 400,000 years ago. But she paid a high price.

“No one would give me any funding after I won Engis at an artifact auction, but I didn’t mind,” said Dr. Workman. “Whenever I couldn’t afford dinner, I’d just think about his large muscly arms holding me and I’d immediately feel full.” 

When she finally got Engis to her lab to measure his hip-to-femur ratio, she was asstounded.

“Engis scored a perfect 1.62 on the Workman Index,” said Dr. Workman, who explained that the Workman Index is something she made up to determine a man’s ‘thrust depth’ based on ‘horny math.’ Though his is the first one she’s tested, she’s confident he’d never be bested.

“I’m thrilled with my progress thus far,” said Dr. Workman, “and I’m willing to go all the way.”

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After months of sitting in a lab all by himself, missing all the social events of the season, astrophysicist Stephen Withrow is still hopeful that he will one day find an alternate universe where, despite the overwhelming probability, he is popular.

“I mean if we consider that there are an infinite number of universes, with an infinite number of possibilities, then we must conclude that I am popular in at least one of them,” said Withrow. “Like there must be a me somewhere who is the life of the party, has the best stories, bangs like a rockstar. And I will find him if it’s the last thing I do”

If successful, it could upend the scientific community and lead to more scientists looking for alternative universes where they are also popular. 

“With enough of us, we could revolutionize the lab party scene, with the possibility of some make out sessions!” exclaimed Withrow excitedly.

At press time, Withrow had only managed to find a universe where he was almost identical, except for a fourth nipple.

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