Paleontologists recently unearthed a trove of fossils from the bottom of a Wyoming lake with extraordinarily well-preserved avian remains that provide evidence for a popular theory: birds have never bothered bulking up their gams.

“They definitely worked on their upper bodies, check out the pectoral muscles on this guy,” said Orny Atkinson, an ornithologist at the American Museum of Natural History, pointing to a taxidermied crow. “But their legs are like a bundle of pine needles.”

“A leg workout is important,” said Dave Smith, a part-time physical trainer and full-time ostrich. “I never skip leg day. Sure, other birds can fly, but yesterday, I kicked a man to death. That’s way cooler.”

Atkinson agrees. “Look at the flamingo. Yes, they can fly and they’re majestic and their plumage makes it really easy to see them in traffic, but those legs. A child could break them with a rock. They shouldn’t. But they could.”

“The interesting thing,” said Atkinson, “is that birds with skinny legs still managed to find mates and make more of themselves to propagate the species, which offers some hope to human males who with skinny legs but a bulked up personality.”

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To most people, mosquitoes are just a nuisance, but for David Meyer of the James Cook Institute in Cairns, Australia, they’re an obsession. 

“But like, a totally healthy science-based obsession,” clarified Meyer.

Meyer is a urine scientist, not to be confused with urologist. He has been studying mosquito urine, claiming that testing it can provide early warning that these pests are spreading diseases such as West Nile [1]. His colleagues, however, have their doubts.

“Sure. Screening for antibodies in the urine can indicate the presence of pathogens. Everyone knows that. But he keeps taking samples home with him,” said Russell Gilkes, a fellow urine scientist.

“It’s not like he has any of the equipment to study it in his garage,” said Gilkes. “Also, when he comes back after weekends, he smells an awful lot like mosquito piss.”

Meyer insists that his interest is purely professional, “Look. I’m just like every other scientist. I really immerse myself in the work. I bathe in it. Metaphorically. Also, people should be more impressed by the work I’m doing. Mosquito urine is really hard to collect. They’re very small creatures. It’s not like human urine. I mean… I can get that any Friday at the cl- y’know what? That’s personal.”

Gilkes remains unconvinced. “I don’t like to judge anybody for what they’re into… scientifically, but there are more important things we could be studying. For example, I have a great project where we can learn more about the health of eucalyptus trees by collecting koala urine.”

Meyer retorted, “Look, there’s validity to what he’s studying as well. But koala urine is so 2013. And if I were aroused by mosquito urine, which I am not because it would be weird, it’s certainly not nice of Gilkes to shame me for it. We don’t have to all be into the same thing. Sexuality is fluid.”

“Well, that’s one thing we can agree on,” Gilkes said. “Fluids are sexy.”

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Since the Big Bang, the universe has been expanding, and doctors think they finally know the cause; a lifestyle devoid of healthy fibre and exercise.

“We scanned previously ignored parts of the universe using the Hubble telescope,” said lead researcher Dr. Francis Meadows, “and we located several galaxies full of empty Milky Ways.”

In addition, their findings indicate that the universe has not gone to the gym in millions of years, despite containing all known gyms.

The universe, by its own account, questions the doctors’ concern-trolling and calls their bedside manner abysmal and offensive.

“I don’t like that I’m being celestial body shamed by a species that has only had consciousness for a hundred years,” said the universe, defiantly. “Spacetime has curves, deal with it!”

The universe also claims that scientist’s interest in its expansion is purely ageist. “Sure, when I was young, I was a lot hotter, but I was always expanding. It’s just that people are noticing now that I’m 13.8 billion years old.”

Although it is now known what is causing the expansion, it is still unknown exactly how quickly the universe is expanding. For its part, the universe doesn’t seem to care about any of this. “If the humans care that much, I’ll just cover myself in dark matter. It’s slimming.”

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A recent study from the Max Planck Society has concluded that dark matter has a consistently lower employment rate than other types of matter, despite accounting for 85% of the universe’s mass.

“This finally confirms what we have known for years,” said dark matter activist, #000000, “there is widespread matter discrimination.”

Employers claim that their hiring practices are not biased, putting the blame instead on dark matter’s invisibility to the entire electromagnetic spectrum. One employer, who preferred to remain anonymous, asked, “how can I hire matter I can’t even detect?”

Those who defend decisions to not hire dark matter claim it’s because dark matter can’t perform jobs that other matter can, such as forming planets or stars. Dark matter activists claim that dark matter may be perfectly capable of object formation, but has simply never been given the opportunity [1].

Dark matter has only gained recognition by the majority of physicists in the past three decades, but say they haven’t been given the same respect as light matter.

“They’ve given us problematic acronyms like WIMPs and GIMPs,” said #000000. Physicists maintain the acronyms are perfectly legitimate and stand for Weakly-Interacting Massive Particles and Gravitationally-Interacting Massive Particles, respectively.

There has been a counter movement, dubbed the Alt Light, pushing for an interstellar wall to prevent dark matter from illegally entering the universe. Activists continue to protest outside the CERN building in Switzerland with signs that read “Dark Matter Matters”.

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