Chan, L. et al.
Since the Big Bang, the universe has been expanding, and doctors think they finally know the cause; a lifestyle devoid of healthy fibre and exercise.
“We scanned previously ignored parts of the universe using the Hubble telescope,” said lead researcher Dr. Francis Meadows, “and we located several galaxies full of empty Milky Ways.”
In addition, their findings indicate that the universe has not gone to the gym in millions of years, despite containing all known gyms.
The universe, by its own account, questions the doctors’ concern-trolling and calls their bedside manner abysmal and offensive.
“I don’t like that I’m being celestial body shamed by a species that has only had consciousness for a hundred years,” said the universe, defiantly. “Spacetime has curves, deal with it!”
The universe also claims that scientist’s interest in its expansion is purely ageist. “Sure, when I was young, I was a lot hotter, but I was always expanding. It’s just that people are noticing now that I’m 13.8 billion years old.”
Although it is now known what is causing the expansion, it is still unknown exactly how quickly the universe is expanding. For its part, the universe doesn’t seem to care about any of this. “If the humans care that much, I’ll just cover myself in dark matter. It’s slimming.”