To Reduce Fracking-Induced Earthquakes, Petroleum Engineers Start Stuffing Earth’s Crust With Cheese

Bugg, A., Graham, L. et al.

For years scientists have warned that hydraulic fracturing, the injection of a high pressure water mixture deep into the below ground, may cause earthquakes due to the increased stress on Earth’s fault lines.

But world-renowned geologist Samantha Gretote believes there’s a solution: back-filling the crevices with ooey-gooey cheese.

“I have been a lifelong fan of the innovative Pizza Hut kitchen,” explained Gretote. “I always marvelled at how well the mozzarella held each slice together, despite the force at which I drunkenly ripped them apart.”

Gretote explained that since earthquakes are caused by the sudden separation of two tectonic plates [1], the plates may hold together better if properly smothered in high viscosity cheese.

“The cheese would also help cushion any tectonic shifts,” said Gretote, “as well as provide oil rigs with a dippable snack after a long day of exploiting the Earth’s resources.”

The stuffing day itself went very smoothly, with technicians pumping more than one million liters of molten curds into the depths of the earth’s crust [2]. “It all just slid in there like it was an old shoe,” said technician Joey Pere, who spot-tested the cheese with industrial grade nacho chips.

The only hiccup came when residents close to the fracking site reported cheese curds flowing from their water taps [3]. Pere notes that while they are working on restoring water to the area, no one has technically complained.

Gretote is also hopeful that her new “stuffing cheese into things” innovation can be carried across multiple scientific fields [4]. She says potential future applications could include stuffing noisy dryers with feta to reduce rumbling, brie-filled airbags, and lining subway stations with cheese whiz to ensure a smoother ride.

Update: After the town’s taps stopped dispensing cheese, residents became enraged and began fracking oil sands to recover the stuffed cheese.

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About Author

Amy Bugg

Amy Bugg is a stand-up comic with a penchant for inactivity, mild-mannered jokes about pizza, and dogs who look like people. You’re likely to find her featured on comedy stages across the country or at the back of a rural Alberta bar practicing her very questionable karaoke skills.

You’ll remember Amy Bugg’s deadpan delivery from Sled Island (Calgary), Sirius XM's Next Top Comic (Vancouver), Women in Comedy Festival 2017 (Boston), YYComedy Festival (Calgary), CBC’s “Grown-ups Read Things They Wrote as Kids”, and Oddblock (Winnipeg). Your mom might have also read her short story in Canadian Living.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of dnatured. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering.

About Amy Bugg 4 Articles
Amy Bugg is a stand-up comic with a penchant for inactivity, mild-mannered jokes about pizza, and dogs who look like people. You’re likely to find her featured on comedy stages across the country or at the back of a rural Alberta bar practicing her very questionable karaoke skills. You’ll remember Amy Bugg’s deadpan delivery from Sled Island (Calgary), Sirius XM's Next Top Comic (Vancouver), Women in Comedy Festival 2017 (Boston), YYComedy Festival (Calgary), CBC’s “Grown-ups Read Things They Wrote as Kids”, and Oddblock (Winnipeg). Your mom might have also read her short story in Canadian Living.