Scientists Say The Ocean Now Contains So Much Plastic That We Should Call It “The Plastic” And Be Happy With How Much Ocean It Contains

Singh, A. et al.

DNAtured correspondent Amar Singh sat down with climate scientist “Big” Johnny Garbage, one of the few scientists who do not believe ocean plastic is necessarily a bad thing, to ask about his thoughts on how to deal with the trash in our oceans.

Thanks for sitting down with us, Johnny.

Please, call me “Big Garbage.” But it’s my pleasure.

No problem. So, what do you think is the number one thing that we as a society should do to deal with the issue of marine pollution?

Honestly, I think all we need a shift in tone and a more positive perspective. Since it’s mostly plastic at this point, maybe we just give up on calling it “The Ocean.” Then, we can just be grateful that “The Plastic” is wet at all! 

Ok…

Imagine you’re at the beach. Now say this sentence to yourself; “Cool, this plastic is damp as hell! What a win for the environment.” Sounds nice, right? That’s how you turn a negative into a positive. Bye-bye beach day, hello plastic afternoon!

So to be clear, you think we should…ignore it?

No, not ignore it. Rebrand! If we stop viewing these things as problems, then there’s nothing to solve.

Yeah, ok, but isn’t that what ignoring is?

Listen. Every day, you go online, and some downer news website tells you that there’s some turtle “trapped” in a plastic bag, which is a super negative way to look at the situation. Maybe the turtle likes the bag! Maybe that’s it’s house. So it’s got one house (it’s shell), and a second house (the bag). Two houses? In this economy? Sounds like the turtle has it pretty good. 

I can promise you that turtles don’t like being trapped in plastic bags.

That’s what the news people want you to think! Look, they want you to think all this ocean stuff is super sad, it’s making everyone feel ‘bleh’. It drives ratings!

So, better reporting? That’s what you want? That feels reasonable.

See, plastic is collapsing aquatic ecosystems so fast the fish would be getting whiplash if they weren’t already dead. But is that necessarily bad? Like, what’s so good about a fish? They’re always cold, and they never say “thank you.” Sounds less like an animal we need to protect, and more like a guy you dated for too long in college. If anything, I’m glad the plastic is there.

So you don’t care about the reporting at all? You’re just pro-garbage?

Yes! Did I not make that clear? My name is ‘Big Garbage!’

DNAtured has since learned that “Big” Johnny Garbage is a staunch pro-ocean death lobbyist. We regret our decision to initial decision to publish this interview, but will leave it up as a warning to others who may be drawn by the charms of Mr. Garbage.

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Amar Singh

Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!

About Amar Singh 6 Articles
Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!