Climate Scientists Clarify That Driving A Washed Car Doesn’t Qualify As Using “Clean Energy”

Hallworth, M., Graham, L. et al.

Environment Canada has issued a statement saying that despite multiple arguments in favour of the idea, it isn’t considered “clean energy” just because your car has been recently washed.

“I know people mean well, but ironically, the constant use of car-washes is actually an enormous waste of resources,” said Michelle Kubik, a spokesperson for the organization. “The contaminants from the soap eventually drain to rivers and lakes, causing fish and other wildlife to have a super creepy sheen.”

Environment Canada is doing their best to dispel other rumours regarding renewable resources, but it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

“Air fresheners are actually adding more potentially harmful chemicals into the air, not oxygen, no matter what fun shape they come in,” clarified Kubik.

Kubik responded to a question about how the average person could use more clean energy by saying “quite frankly, the best thing you could do for the environment is to not clean your car at all, and leave it to decompose.”

In a statement released later that day, Environment Canada clarified that farting doesn’t contribute to “wind power,” but admits that a diet replacing meat with beans would benefit the environment tremendously.

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About Author

Marc Hallworth

Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of dnatured. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering.

About Marc Hallworth 7 Articles
Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”