Engineering Analysis: Stairway To Heaven Structurally Unsound, Could Not Support Own Weight

Fay, C., Graham, L. et al.

After rigorous structural analysis, a proposed pedestrian access route to heaven has been determined to be infeasible, impractical and highly dangerous.

While the exact location of heaven is unknown, the analysis assumed it to begin around 100 km above sea level, rejecting the Carlisle hypothesis that heaven is “a place on Earth” [1]. No known material has the required strength to weight ratio required to support a stairway 100 km tall, though steel and spider jizz come the closest at 1 km and 2.9 km, respectively [2].

Vague references of being able to complete the stairway by means of “led [sic] zeppelin”, are equally dubious. Elemental lead is far too heavy and toxic to use for aircraft construction, and it’s inappropriately low melting point would cause the zeppelin to evaporate by the 4,928th step.

Finally, it was found that a single lady could not financially support such a project, regardless of her beliefs about glitter and gold, given that the cost of construction would bankrupt the group of G20 countries many times over.

The analysts proposed that building a fire-escape to heaven may be possible in the coming years, given recent advancements in rickety-stair technology. Requests for the engineering team to not take things so literally were not including in the analysis as they were determined to be out of scope.

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About Author

Craig Fay

Craig Fay is a Toronto based engineer turned stand up comedian and host of The Villain Was Right podcast. His debut comedy album “Helicopter Rich” was praised as “observational and self-reflective…worth playing multiple times over” and is available on iTunes and Spotify.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Craig Fay 7 Articles
Craig Fay is a Toronto based engineer turned stand up comedian and host of The Villain Was Right podcast. His debut comedy album “Helicopter Rich” was praised as “observational and self-reflective…worth playing multiple times over” and is available on iTunes and Spotify.