Graham, L. et al.
Military engineers are celebrating the discovery of a revolutionary new fabric that reflects 99% of male attention; any woman who has passed her 40th birthday. They hope the material will eventually replace the traditional uggo camouflage pattern.
“In field tests, snipers with several elderly women strapped to their armour went completely undetected by our top counterintelligence agents,” said lead researcher Harold Trask, “even when the women started chatting with each other.”
The nylon-woman blend, Bechdelium, contains up to 5% pantsuit by weight  and is so invisible to the male gaze, it renders the wearer unseen both in person and on screen.
Women required for the material were carefully collected from Wine & Paint nights and Lifetime Channel movie auditions, then spun them into fabrics using a converted SoulCycle gym .
“It’s like, why not? Men have been ignoring me for free for years,” said one actress who now works as a sleeve. “I’m thrilled to finally have benefits.”
The government has since ordered thousands of invisibility cloaks, and is considering adding women to the nation’s military conscription in order meet their production deadlines .
The engineers hope that one day they can recycle all middle-aged women into defence technology that the military can use to undermine foreign democracies.