Physicists Discover Dark Matter Has Harder Time Finding Employment

Chan, L., Graham, L. et al.

A recent study from the Max Planck Society has concluded that dark matter has a consistently lower employment rate than other types of matter, despite accounting for 85% of the universe’s mass.

“This finally confirms what we have known for years,” said dark matter activist, #000000, “there is widespread matter discrimination.”

Employers claim that their hiring practices are not biased, putting the blame instead on dark matter’s invisibility to the entire electromagnetic spectrum. One employer, who preferred to remain anonymous, asked, “how can I hire matter I can’t even detect?”

Those who defend decisions to not hire dark matter claim it’s because dark matter can’t perform jobs that other matter can, such as forming planets or stars. Dark matter activists claim that dark matter may be perfectly capable of object formation, but has simply never been given the opportunity [1].

Dark matter has only gained recognition by the majority of physicists in the past three decades, but say they haven’t been given the same respect as light matter.

“They’ve given us problematic acronyms like WIMPs and GIMPs,” said #000000. Physicists maintain the acronyms are perfectly legitimate and stand for Weakly-Interacting Massive Particles and Gravitationally-Interacting Massive Particles, respectively.

There has been a counter movement, dubbed the Alt Light, pushing for an interstellar wall to prevent dark matter from illegally entering the universe. Activists continue to protest outside the CERN building in Switzerland with signs that read “Dark Matter Matters”.

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About Author

Leonard Chan

Born and raised in Toronto, Leonard performs stand-up all across Canada. He has been heard on CBC's The Debaters and Sirius/XM radio, published on CBC Comedy and the Beaverton, and seen on stage at JFL42 and the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. He also has two degrees in engineering which he now uses only as punchlines.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of dnatured. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering.

About Leonard Chan 4 Articles
Born and raised in Toronto, Leonard performs stand-up all across Canada. He has been heard on CBC's The Debaters and Sirius/XM radio, published on CBC Comedy and the Beaverton, and seen on stage at JFL42 and the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. He also has two degrees in engineering which he now uses only as punchlines.