Graduate students across the country are rejoicing now that they have received the eagerly anticipated reagent rite-Bio 2.0, a fluorescent antibody from biotech materials company Alpha Beta Phi Inc that offers the same dimness as its 1.0 predecessor at a markedly higher price. 

“I haven’t gotten anything in the mail except bills in months,” says graduate student Aisha Khan, “so even if the biomarker doesn’t help my research one bit, at least I have some new ice packs from the shipments.” 

One lab manager, who prefers to remain anonymous, is happy with the high sticker price of the new antibody, since he’s been siphoning rewards points from lab credit card purchases over the last several years. 

“This biomarker hasn’t improved my research images at all, but it has doubled my rewards points,” said the lab manager ecstatically.  “I might be able to afford that $200 flight to visit my sister soon,” he said. “I’m… probably not coming back.”

UPDATE: There has been a recall on Brite-Bio 2.0 as one laboratory group discovers it has a life-saving function in various terrible diseases, leading to the product’s use becoming proprietary because, well, they’re going to cash in on this. You thought this was about science and seeking truth toward a better world?

The post Whoa! This New Fluorescent Antibody Is Just As Dim As The Previous One, But Twice As Expensive! appeared first on dnatured journal.

After recent tensions highlighting the institutional racism towards students who are Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, a group of all-white tenured faculty members decided to tackle racial justice within the university by asking the first Black student they ran into to lead a diversity committee for no pay.

“I declined,” said Black graduate student Brandon Moore. “I’m not giving the university good racial PR for a few slices of pizza.”

After watching other universities receive praise online for issuing vague, actionless statements in support of Black Lives Matter, the university’s Dean Dr. Randall Bean proposed that some graduate students put together a diversity task force, on their own unpaid time, and then nominated himself as director. Their mandate? “They can talk as much about racism as they want, as long as I’m home by five,” Dr. Bean noted.

“Of course, there had been rumblings about systemic racism for years that we’d ignored,” continued Dean Dr. Bean, “but now we’re ready to make a public show of support for our students so we don’t have to think critically about how racism is built into the academic system.”

One committee member, Dr. Michelle Okereke, who remains an adjunct professor after being denied tenure repeatedly, says she never agreed to be on the committee and that it does nothing about the recruitment, hiring, retention, and promotion of Black and Indigenous students and faculty. 

“I brought this up with Dr. Bean,” said Dr. Okereke, “but he told us that we should try to diversify the planned virtual homecoming instead, since it’s ‘more important right now, with everyone being home and lonely because of this virus and all that.’” 

The post Woke! This Scientist Of Color Just Got Asked To Be On An Unpaid Diversity Committee appeared first on dnatured journal.

Uh oh! Do you have a lab meeting coming up, and you (somehow) don’t have any data to report? Don’t panic! Why go through all the trouble of doing experiments, when you can just do some evasive tweaks? Here are our top suggestions:

Get creative! 

Change your graphs around. Make that bar graph a box and whisker plot. Change the colour of your fluorescence. Flip your images upside-down!

Redo your stats…. again. 

It’s not p-hacking if your ultimate goal is to create bullshit rather than significance! Was that a repeated measures or independent values analysis? Oh, who cares?

Focus on details! 

Give everyone a very lengthy explanation of how you’ve optimised every single step of that 3 day long protocol – if you lull them to sleep with the ins and outs of your most boring protocol, they will forget to ask you about results!

“The equipment is down…” 

So what that it’s the 90th time you’ve used that excuse. How can you do your experiments if the necessary apparatuses aren’t working? It’s not like you can… find something else to do in the meantime… right? No. Definitely not.

Say you’ve been reading and writing. 

You’re a scholar, so obviously it makes sense to take long stretches of time to do nothing but read… while watching Netflix.

Don’t even go. 

Stay home! Say you’re sick! Pretend you forgot… even though they’ve been at the same time for the last 3 years you’ve been in the lab. When they ask if you can just send them your data, simply reply, “no ❤️.”

The post 6 Ways To Say ‘I Don’t Have Any New Data’ At Your Next Lab Meeting appeared first on dnatured journal.

A group of exhausted archaeologists working late into the night were rewarded with the discovery of a fossilized Work-Life Balance buried deep under a prestigious university. The ancient artifact, long extinct, is thought to be the last of its kind.

“There was a Greek inscription on the balance, which read ‘life and work in perfect harmony’” said lead researcher Dr. Cynthia Forks, whose previous discoveries include other items from bygone eras like quality time and publishing scientific papers which use only one method. 

Though many are praising Dr. Forks, there are some at the university who aren’t as impressed with the discovery.

“I’m not really sure what this finding can realistically do for me,” said one undergraduate student. They went on to say, “Ideally, I would—“ before promptly falling asleep on the spot.

Another student, with a sort of halo that glows around them, was happy to provide comment. “I’m not really sure how, but I’ve sort of got it all! I’m well rested, I am achieving honour roll grades, and my friendships are thriving!” she proclaimed, spilling about 15 different bottles of performance-enhancing drugs on the ground as she walked away.

The dug up work life balance was initially intended to be cleaned up and displayed prominently on the university campus as a reminder to take regard of one’s personal well-being. Unfortunately, someone was really busy and totally forgot and sadly ended up losing it altogether. But they’re really, really sorry.

Dr. Forks was unfortunately too busy to provide comment, and was recently observed dismissing a call from her wife in order to finish up the paper on this new discovery.

The post Archaeologists Find The Now Extinct “Work-Life Balance” Buried Among Neolithic Artifacts appeared first on dnatured journal.

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The post Wow! This University Is So Committed To Improving Mental Health It’s Making Student Volunteers Help Each Other For Free appeared first on dnatured journal.

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