6 Ways To Say ‘I Don’t Have Any New Data’ At Your Next Lab Meeting

Yousef, T., Clemente, E.C. et al

Uh oh! Do you have a lab meeting coming up, and you (somehow) don’t have any data to report? Don’t panic! Why go through all the trouble of doing experiments, when you can just do some evasive tweaks? Here are our top suggestions:

Get creative! 

Change your graphs around. Make that bar graph a box and whisker plot. Change the colour of your fluorescence. Flip your images upside-down!

Redo your stats…. again

It’s not p-hacking if your ultimate goal is to create bullshit rather than significance! Was that a repeated measures or independent values analysis? Oh, who cares?

Focus on details! 

Give everyone a very lengthy explanation of how you’ve optimised every single step of that 3 day long protocol – if you lull them to sleep with the ins and outs of your most boring protocol, they will forget to ask you about results!

“The equipment is down…” 

So what that it’s the 90th time you’ve used that excuse. How can you do your experiments if the necessary apparatuses aren’t working? It’s not like you can… find something else to do in the meantime… right? No. Definitely not.

Say you’ve been reading and writing. 

You’re a scholar, so obviously it makes sense to take long stretches of time to do nothing but read… while watching Netflix.

Don’t even go. 

Stay home! Say you’re sick! Pretend you forgot… even though they’ve been at the same time for the last 3 years you’ve been in the lab. When they ask if you can just send them your data, simply reply, “no ❤️.”

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About Author

Tareq Yousef

Tareq Yousef is like Queer Eye but, less fat-phobia and avocados, and more him being a queer PhD student doing vision research. When he’s not researching the fundamental neurobiological mechanisms of adaptation in the eye he’s like… “Am I gonna get a job?” Tareq co-hosts the No BS Nutrition Podcast, a weekly dose of nutrition science communication debunking your favourite fad diets and nutraceutical products, often from his neuroscience angle. (P.S. Apple cider vinegar does nothing). Read his neuroscience blog here and follow him on Twitter @TareqNeuro.

Elisa Couto Clemente

Elisa is a Neuroscience PhD student based in London. She loves all things science and is also passionate about science communication. Elisa prefers drowning her PhD sorrows with laughter rather than alcohol, and has performed stand-up comedy at the Bloomsbury Festival and at the Science Museum Lates in London.

About Tareq Yousef 6 Articles
Tareq Yousef is like Queer Eye but, less fat-phobia and avocados, and more him being a queer PhD student doing vision research. When he’s not researching the fundamental neurobiological mechanisms of adaptation in the eye he’s like… “Am I gonna get a job?” Tareq co-hosts the No BS Nutrition Podcast, a weekly dose of nutrition science communication debunking your favourite fad diets and nutraceutical products, often from his neuroscience angle. (P.S. Apple cider vinegar does nothing). Read his neuroscience blog here and follow him on Twitter @TareqNeuro.