The mighty centrifuge, with its lid ajar inviting samples to enter (at their own risk)…? The mysterious incubator that hasn’t hit the temperature right since your lab tech left…? If you’ve ever wondered which piece of lab equipment you are, take this quiz to find out! 

QUESTIONS

1. How would you describe your communication style?

• A. My way or the highway
• B. Everything should be laid out clearly; I’d rather talk than let issues simmer
• C. Avoidant 
• D. Not sure 
• E. I just want everyone to be happy, so I don’t always say what I need

2. What’s your ideal Saturday afternoon?

• A. Crushing my to-do list, even if it includes changing cell culture media 
• B. 10 mile hike, brunch with a friend, errands, then flow-state at a cafe 
• C. Wake up whenever and vibe
• D. Going to lab “for just a couple hours”
• E. Baking for my friends 

3. Which gift would you be thrilled to receive?

• A. Something from my carefully curated wish list
• B. A really nice planner
• C. Honestly, anything is amazing 
• D. An avocado, the bigger the better 
• E. Multiple tickets to a show so I can invite some others

4. Best lab duty chore?

• A. They’re all fine, but only if done properly 
• B. Restocking the pipette tips in perfect rows
• C. None of them, thanks
• D. Cleaning everything until it squeaks
• E. Helping someone else with their experiments

5. What’s your biggest fear? 

• A. Someone else digging through my stuff
• B. Missing an appointment I booked weeks in advance
• C. My favorite game going missing 
• D. Forgetting everything 
• E. Losing my loved ones
  

RESULTS

Mostly A’s: Centrifuge

Picky and precise, you like things done your way. You’re the mediator who keeps friend groups in balance, but if one person is acting “off,” you spin in circles about it for days. When life feels slightly unbalanced, you go straight to 14,000 rpm instead of having a calm conversation. That’s why keeping your “lid” open when communicating is important.

Mostly B’s: Confocal Microscope

You are the high-maintenance friend, but in the best possible way. You live by your calendar that gets booked up weeks in advance, and require very specific conditions to function: whether that be low light with at least three alignment steps, or your favorite coffee every morning. You struggle with “big picture: stuff” because you’re busy zooming in on every tiny issue at 60X. 

Mostly C’s: 10 uL pipette

Often overlooked, rarely invited, and chronically underestimated. You “go with the flow” a little too much– like starting to get ready for a concert approximately when doors open. People might get frustrated with you, but when something delicate really matters, you’re the only one detail-oriented enough to handle it.

Mostly D’s: Weighing Scale

You’re not always wrong; you just feel wrong and doubt yourself too much. You overthink every decision, re-weigh every plan, and still suspect that you’re off by 0.01. People trust your judgement more than you think, so it’s okay to finally stop taring and commit.

Mostly E’s: Water Bath

You’re the mom friend: warm, comforting, and always making sure everyone else is okay. You bring snacks, tickets, baked goods, and emotional support. But if your own needs aren’t met, you can go from a “gentle 37 C” to overheating surprisingly fast. Despite being easily overstimulated, you still insist on taking care of everyone.

The post QUIZ: Which Piece of Lab Equipment Are You? appeared first on dnatured journal.

After years of high attrition rates in its prestigious Molecular Biology program, Fartlek University has begun a collaboration with Netflix and Mr. Beast to overhaul the way they select incoming graduate students, called Plasmid Games.

“Everyone we admit seems fine on paper,” said Graduate School Dean Dr. Frontman, “but when you put someone in an actual research lab, sometimes the story changes. So now we’ll be selecting new PhD candidates from an actual laboratory-based competition process.”

According to the Dean, 456 initial applicants will be brought to the Fartlek campus for a week of competitive interview exercises or “games.”

“Our first game is called ‘Fire!’” explained Dean Frontman. “Basically we get all of them started on making a buffer or a salt solution and at some point yell ‘Stop, red light, there’s a fire, exit the building!’  Anyone who actually does exit the building is then locked out and the interview continues with those who stayed – because, you know, they behaved like proper grad students and stayed in the lab in a crisis.”

Dean Frontman, who also goes by the name “Administrator 001”, explained that there are several other challenges the group must then attempt. The number of surviving interviewees systematically decreases after each challenge by ruthlessly eliminating those who fail each time. 

Other “games” include: 

1) making a highly toxic solution with no protective gear or PPE;

2) group tug-of-war for the only working magnetic stirrer in lab (points off if the power cord gets ripped out);

3) attempting to cut tubing, filter paper, and glass plates with nothing but your own fingernails;

4) finding a DNA plasmid that has been lost in the lab freezer since 2010;

5) curing a major disease by the end of the week.

The Dean further remarked, “We hope this new ‘Plasmid Game’ process will help us select students who will get all the way through their PhD program, and simultaneously will crush the dreams of the rest of them so that they stop applying to grad school for fuck’s sake.”

The post Game On! University Introduces New “Squid Game” Inspired Grad School Admission Process appeared first on dnatured journal.

After a landmark investigation into their funding sources, MoTech Labs Ltd has been accused of cashing in on life insurance policies purchased on their lab rats in order to afford equipment and executive bonuses. 

“Suspicion was raised after the organization had enough PPE and beakers to run like a normal, functioning lab,” said lead detective Arnold Harrison. “Also, they replaced all their lab coats with fur coats. That was a pretty big red flag.”

But what really broke the case? Investigating the insurance policies themselves. 

“All the paperwork was all filed under names such as ‘Charles E. Cheese,’ ‘Mr. Rat, Esquire,’ and ‘Lab Rat #37,’” explained Harrison. “And in each case, the cause of death was listed as “given cancer to see what that does to a rat.”

It was even revealed that MoTech Labs altered experiments to ensure higher insurance payouts. After discovering that accident payouts are higher than those for illness related deaths, the scientists started researching questions such as “Can Rats Base Jump?”, “Can Rats Breathe Underwater?”, “What Happens To Rat Societies When We Give Them Little Guns?”, and “Will Hungry Chimpanzees Be Nice To Rats?” 

The final straw was when the lab privately announced that they had exchanged all their glass beakers for solid gold beakers. “It doesn’t even make sense” said Dr.Gupta, a chemist consulting on the case. “Gold isn’t a good beaker material. Your results would be confusing and terrible.”

When contacted by DNAtured, the head of MoTech Labs, wearing Swarovski crystal lab gloves, screamed “don’t ever ask me about my business. Don’t EVER ask me about my business.”

The post Genius? This Lab Is Funded Entirely By Cashing In Life Insurance Policies On Lab Rats appeared first on dnatured journal.

Graduate students across the country are rejoicing now that they have received the eagerly anticipated reagent rite-Bio 2.0, a fluorescent antibody from biotech materials company Alpha Beta Phi Inc that offers the same dimness as its 1.0 predecessor at a markedly higher price. 

“I haven’t gotten anything in the mail except bills in months,” says graduate student Aisha Khan, “so even if the biomarker doesn’t help my research one bit, at least I have some new ice packs from the shipments.” 

One lab manager, who prefers to remain anonymous, is happy with the high sticker price of the new antibody, since he’s been siphoning rewards points from lab credit card purchases over the last several years. 

“This biomarker hasn’t improved my research images at all, but it has doubled my rewards points,” said the lab manager ecstatically.  “I might be able to afford that $200 flight to visit my sister soon,” he said. “I’m… probably not coming back.”

UPDATE: There has been a recall on Brite-Bio 2.0 as one laboratory group discovers it has a life-saving function in various terrible diseases, leading to the product’s use becoming proprietary because, well, they’re going to cash in on this. You thought this was about science and seeking truth toward a better world?

The post Whoa! This New Fluorescent Antibody Is Just As Dim As The Previous One, But Twice As Expensive! appeared first on dnatured journal.

First-year engineering student Coral Gilmore, 17, was stunned after realizing she was required to use a 3D Sublimation Heat Press Machine, a device valued at 2.3 million dollars, on just her third day of class.

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile,” said Gilmore, nervously rotating an unmarked dial.

Gilmore says that although she understands the general concepts of sublimation, no one went over the specifics of the machine. Her professor promised that the TA would explain how to use it, but on the day of the lab, the TA assured them that it had been covered it in the professor’s lecture.

“All the pre-lab says is that if I compress the gas too quickly, everything will shatter,” said Gilmore. “I really hope they have insurance.”

Lab TA Malcolm Ellis remains unconcerned, having supervised this same lab five times this week.

“This lab is always scheduled during frosh week; we actually tell them the sticker price of the machine to sober them up,” explained Ellis. “They figure it out eventually.”

During the lab, Gilmore realized that this misplaced trust wasn’t actually new for her.

“I mean, the bank seems pretty confident loaning a small fortune to a teenager with no job history. Hopefully both will work out fine.”

The post 17-Year-Old Lab Student Somehow Trusted With Two-Million Dollar Machine appeared first on dnatured journal.

Local reports suggest that a senior lab technician claimed that personal protective equipment is unnecessary to a junior lab technician. Asked to elaborate, the senior tech passionately proclaimed that lab coats, goggles, and other protective gear are uncomfortable and unnecessary.

“We don’t really work with anything too dangerous,” said the tech. “Maybe a few viral CRISPR-Cas9 constructs, some of your standard acids and bases, phenol-chloroform solutions and maybe you’ll run across some sodium azide every once in a while. No big deal. As long as you know what you’re doing, none of that stuff is gonna kill you.” 

Responding to inquiries about the scars on his arms, the lab tech peeled off his gloves and started pointing each of them out, describing how he got them. 

“Yeah, this one is from when I spilled hydrochloric acid on myself. Pretty gnarly. Ate right through the gloves I was wearing. This one is from a mouse, back when we were working with some rabies virus. I got the shots though, so everything’s fine. I’m not sure what this one is, but it’s probably another chemical burn. This one is from a cryostat blade, because I forgot to lock the wheel before removing my sample. The good news is the sample was fine. This one’s another chemical burn, I’m pretty sure this one is from broken glass that I tried to pick up, and this one’s another chemical burn.” 

“Honestly, there are a ton you can’t see, because sometimes I’ll spill something or drop something in my lap. I don’t want to share too much information, but it’s…. not pretty, and I’m probably infertile now.” 

“I’m also pretty sure I transduced myself at some point, because I’m expressing green fluorescent protein now. I can’t go into a room if it’s got a 488 nm laser on, or I’ll blind everyone with the fluorescence. Speaking from experience. The good news is that my doctor wants to write a case report on my GFP expression, so I get to contribute to science at the bench and at the bedside.”

When it was pointed out that nearly all of these injuries could be avoided by following standard operating protocols and wearing protective gear, the lab tech shrugged. “Yeah, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”

The post PPE “Kinda Optional” In This Lab Reports Scarred, Fluorescent Lab Technician appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rare joint statement from the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC) and the newly-formed graduate student union set new guidelines for humane endpoints for graduate students. Graduate students who are overworked, underpaid or ‘just really not feeling it right now’ are eligible for humane euthanasia upon approval of their academic advisor and thesis committee. 

The Dean of Graduate Studies welcomed this new agreement. “These guidelines will help reduce suffering at our institution and improve the metrics of well-being of our student body.” 

One graduate student expressed relief at the landmark agreement. “The Graduate Student Union really allowed us to advocate for ourselves in an organized way to improve our conditions. We’re immensely grateful for the support of IACUC and their dedication to reducing suffering in University labs, from mice to Ph.D. students. I’m so excited that I can finally stop recapping euthanasia needles.” 

However, these changes to IACUC’s welfare faced significant pushback. Some principal investigators have raised concerns about the potential reduction in the pool of labor that they can exploit. One tenured professor, speaking anonymously, shared his views. “Just because graduate students think they have an out with humane euthanasia, doesn’t mean that I’ll allow it. Not before the data is analyzed and generated and I’ll be damned if I’m doing that myself. After the project is done, the paper gets accepted, then they can go ahead. Kids these days just don’t want to work.” 

Some postdoctoral fellows have reportedly expressed interest in the program as well, citing rising living costs, stagnant wages, and similar welfare concerns. However, any broader applications of these welfare guidelines will face massive institutional resistance if the university anticipates a reduction in its exploitable workforce.

The post Institutional Animal Welfare Group Proposes Humane Endpoints for Ph.D. Students appeared first on dnatured journal.

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Visitors of a Disney World resort were shocked when the rotting carcass of a mermaid drifted into the shore, leaving a trail of whozits and whatsits in its wake. Scientists later confirmed the mermaid’s stomach was filled with gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and about a dozen used condoms.

“Mermaids are being forced out of their natural habitat by oil spills, overfishing, and blood pacts with malevolent sea witches,” said Eric Prince, president of The Conservation of Mythical Beasts Society (CMBS). Due to population decline, The CMBS recently downgraded mermaids’ classification from “Critically Endangered” to “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

“Only two things can save the mermaids at this point,” said Prince, “either we take immediate action to reduce the amount of waste being disposed of in our oceans, or the mermaids themselves need to find a satisfactory love interest by the end of the third act.” Prince concluded “if neither of those things are done, mermaids will simply no longer be a part of our world.”

This is the third garbage-filled mermaid corpse to wash up on the coast of the “happiest place on earth” in the past year [1]. As a result, Prince tearfully asks, “wouldn’t you think our collection’s complete?”

The post Marine Biologists Confirm Mermaid That Washed Up On Shore Had Stomach Full Of Thing-A-Ma-Bobs appeared first on dnatured journal.

1. Any idea when things will stop spinning?

a. When I graduate??

b. 10 minutes.

2. How often do you leave the lab?

a. On occasion!

b. Literally never.

3. How many miniprep spin columns can you hold at once?

a. Maybe 8 or so.

b. 24, no problem.

4. How many first author publications do you have?

a. Zero, but I swear I’ll get one some day!!!

b. Also zero

5. How do you feel when the PI comes looking for you?

a. YIKES.

b. I keep my cool!

6. How many years have you been part of the lab?

a. 5

b. 20, NBD

7. What sound do you make when you feel off balance?

a. None?

b. Clank clunk boom CRASH.

RESULTS

Mostly As: Uh, oh. You are in fact a grad student, and the times are tough. Hang in there! You’ll get down to 0 rpm one day

Mostly Bs: You are either a wicked chill grad student or, more likely, a centrifuge. Things may be swirling around you, but it’s all good – that’s your job! Keep up the good work.

The post QUIZ: Are You A Centrifuge, Or Are You Just A Grad Student Whose Life Is Spinning Out Of Control?? appeared first on dnatured journal.