Genius? This Lab Is Funded Entirely By Cashing In Life Insurance Policies On Lab Rats

Singh, A. et al

After a landmark investigation into their funding sources, MoTech Labs Ltd has been accused of cashing in on life insurance policies purchased on their lab rats in order to afford equipment and executive bonuses. 

“Suspicion was raised after the organization had enough PPE and beakers to run like a normal, functioning lab,” said lead detective Arnold Harrison. “Also, they replaced all their lab coats with fur coats. That was a pretty big red flag.”

But what really broke the case? Investigating the insurance policies themselves. 

“All the paperwork was all filed under names such as ‘Charles E. Cheese,’ ‘Mr. Rat, Esquire,’ and ‘Lab Rat #37,’” explained Harrison. “And in each case, the cause of death was listed as “given cancer to see what that does to a rat.”

It was even revealed that MoTech Labs altered experiments to ensure higher insurance payouts. After discovering that accident payouts are higher than those for illness related deaths, the scientists started researching questions such as “Can Rats Base Jump?”, “Can Rats Breathe Underwater?”, “What Happens To Rat Societies When We Give Them Little Guns?”, and “Will Hungry Chimpanzees Be Nice To Rats?” 

The final straw was when the lab privately announced that they had exchanged all their glass beakers for solid gold beakers. “It doesn’t even make sense” said Dr.Gupta, a chemist consulting on the case. “Gold isn’t a good beaker material. Your results would be confusing and terrible.”

When contacted by DNAtured, the head of MoTech Labs, wearing Swarovski crystal lab gloves, screamed “don’t ever ask me about my business. Don’t EVER ask me about my business.”

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Amar Singh

Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!

About Amar Singh 18 Articles
Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!