New photos from the historic James Webb telescope were finally released to the media last week, and the pictures are absolutely astounding. The heavenly bodies appearing therein are some of the most muscular and fit that scientists have ever seen.

“The detail is absolutely stunning,” said astrophysicist Luna Rodriguez. “Because of the long distance the light has traveled, we’re actually looking into the universe’s past and those biceps are absolutely shredded,” she added, “meaning that by now they must be truly massive in a way we simply hadn’t hitherto imagined.”

The pictures offer new insights into distant galaxies, though there is concern from some about the realism portrayed by these smoking hot nebulas.

“I’d like to emphasize that we haven’t touched up these photos at all,” commented Rodriguez, “We’ve all become overly comfortable with seeing the airbrushed images of stellar physiques in magazines and social media, but these are a 100% authentic representation in the standard visible spectrum,” she assured us. 

“Those abs are as real as the gravitational forces holding this universe together,” said Rodriguez, while gently fanning herself.

Rodriguez and her team are optimistic about how these findings will affect future funding initiatives, stating, “We are always struggling to fund large-scale space projects, due to their inherent high costs, but with these latest images being certified thirst traps, we’ve set up an OnlyFans to fund our next mission.”

At the time of this article’s referencing, the galactic OnlyFans account revenue has already surpassed NASA’s annual budget. 

“The people have made their feelings clear…” said Rodriguez. “They’re horny for space.”

The post Hottie Alert! The James Webb Telescope Just Found A New Heavenly Body That Is Absolutely Jacked appeared first on dnatured journal.

A key part of the scientific method is writing stuff down. But as each pen runs dry (or is lost while developing western blots), there’s little grant funding to replace them. We propose turning our attention to conferences.

Think about it: you’re sipping free (very good) conference coffee, and you notice rows of pens arranged in a double helix shape on a pop-up table. You casually pick one up – it’s even lighter than a pipette! – and you put it in your pocket. You keep doing this until you have 16 pens.

Then one of them leaks, and you leave another at the hotel bar – you even give a few away just to get free entry into a club. At best, you’re left with 2 pens (and one of them probably won’t work). Therefore, we recommend this protocol to get enough pens to last you a lifetime, or at least until you graduate. You’ll need a free conference bag, your conference poster, and some running shoes.

Protocol:

1) Approach table with pens.

2) Distract vendor by asking: “Where did you do your PhD?” and “I know someone who went there, do you know [INSERT NAME]?” and “That’s a shame, how about [INSERT NAME]?” and “Are you sure you studied there?”

3) While vendor is distracted, remove your free conference bag containing your conference poster, and unfurl the poster to cover pens.

4) Ask vendor if they can read the conclusion of your poster from a distance of three metres – ideally, the font size will be size 2 or less.

5) During (attempted) reading, place hand underneath poster and scrape pens into free conference bag.

6) Sprint like you mean it, but please call over your shoulder to thank the vendor.

Using this method, we’ve retrieved over 3,000 pens from two conferences. It failed just once when the vendor was wearing very strong glasses. We encourage scientists to start using our method, and we expect scientific achievement to explode as a result.

The post Protocol: How to Collect a Lifetime Supply of Pens at a Single Conference appeared first on dnatured journal.

Grad student Anna Esquivel’s duties, which already include carrying out her research project, managing the lab, and TAing twice a week, have now expanded to include creating all poster and presentation images for her group after she created a half-decent image of a protein for a lab meeting.

“It was so amazing to see,” said Dr. Lyndon Vang, a postdoc in the same lab as Anna who attended the lab meeting in question. “The Prof was incredibly impressed by Anna’s ability to turn the standard shapes available in Powerpoint to an adequate representation of a protein. You should have seen the Prof’s face when the animation started!”

Anna has now been tasked to create all the images that the lab will use for all future talks, posters, and publications – including a (virtual) poster presentation that Dr. Vang’s due to present tomorrow. “Good thing I have Anna to help me,” Dr. Vang says. “So far, all I have is a title and half an abstract.”

Jadine Sparks, another grad student in the same lab, is an aspiring science illustrator. “It’s kind of frustrating; I’ve spent hours creating scientifically accurate figures in Adobe illustrator, both for scientific posters I’ve presented and to expand my portfolio – I want to make a career out of this. But apparently, all my figures look “too professional” for a scientific conference.”

Anna allegedly also knows how to do conditional conditioning in Excel, implying that soon she will also be designated the lab’s biostatistician.

The post Grad Student Becomes Lab’s Go-To Graphic Designer After Making Half-Decent Image In Powerpoint appeared first on dnatured journal.

A group of theoretical physicists recently unveiled some reassuring news for many people struggling to cope with everyday life; statistically speaking, in a non-zero number of universes, you are killing it!

“Every time you make a decision, the universe splits,” said theoretical physicist Dr. Tamara Kwang, “so there’s a theoretical universe out there where you did everything right.”

“It’s just that statistically speaking, you’re the most likely to exist in one of your more ‘flop’ universes,” she added.

Dr. Kwang said the one of the main conflicts between her colleagues was not that multiple universes existed, but on which level they existed. “… well, at least that’s the debate in this universe,” she clarified.

Despite her accomplishments in the field of multiverse theory, Dr. Kwang is no stranger to the feeling of being a failure compared to her multiverse selves.

“I often wonder if I’ve won a Nobel Prize for discovering another universe in another universe,” she lamented.

The post Phew! Physicists Say That, Theoretically, There Must Be At Least One Universe Where You Are Thriving appeared first on dnatured journal.

Nanotech just could NOT get any cuter! Meet this team of tiny lil researchers, who are all so itty bitty that they got automatic acceptance into the Nanotechnology program!

Kendra, 4’11.75”

Just shy of five feet tall (even after her mother made the doctor measure again), this adorable little researcher needs to sit on a phone book to reach the microscope!

Ainsley, 4’8”

Ainsley, a stickler for safety, always wears custom cement boots while working in the fume hood, saying the ventilation is surprisingly powerful! 

Taylor, 5’0”

Fiercely independent, when they run out of sodium hydroxide Taylor simply rock climbs to the reagent shelf with a spool of parafilm!

Tzipporah, 4’10”

After someone permanently “borrowed” the lab’s step stool, Tzipporah’s lab mates chipped in and bought her a mini submarine scope so she can see over the bench again! 

Joe, 5’1”

Ever resourceful, thirsty Joe sometimes drinks water out of PCR tubes because he can’t reach the water fountain! 

Emma, 6 inches

Emma has to be extra careful around her clumsy undergrad students; when they spill a sample on the lab bench, Emma risks drowning! 

The post Nanotechnology? These Researchers Are Under 5’2” appeared first on dnatured journal.

Saturn, the second largest planet in our solar system, is spending the New Year alone after her stunning collection of rings failed to include a wedding ring for the four billionth year in a row. 

While Saturn has thus far not responded when asked for comment, other planets in the solar system had a lot to say about her astronomically long engagement.

“It’s embarrassing,” gossiped Mars. “Maybe if she didn’t have so many moons to deal with she’d have time to plan a wedding.” Other planets in the solar system had a lot to say about Saturn’s astronomically long engagement.

“If she would just settle down,” said Mercury, “that storm raging in her pole would have any spouse hesitant to make things permanent. They’re probably too afraid to even ask for the ring back.”

“She could pick a color too,” added Venus. “Mars may not have a ring but at least she knows who she is. Saturn’s just trying to be too many things at once. Pick a lane and stay in it, girlfriend.”

Earth declined to comment citing a fever.

Jupiter seemed to be the only one in Saturn’s corner, likely due to their similar makeup. “They’re all just jealous because they’re just as old and have nothing to show for it except for a few lumpy moons. People forget Uranus is also unwed with a ring. But nobody badmouths Uranus because she wears her ring like an idiot and smells like farts.”

“At least I don’t have a giant zit on my face,” countered Uranus. 

“It’s a storm and it’s perfectly natural!” yelled Jupiter.

“This drama is why I moved so far away and give these caddy queens the cold shoulder,” snapped Neptune.

Pluto was not asked for comment, but left several voicemails explaining her availability to interview.

The post Aww! Saturn Spends 4 Billionth Year With Ring But No Wedding appeared first on dnatured journal.

In an embarrassing revelation from the past, world renowned Astronomer Professor Banjo Zirkowitz was barred from the Royal Astronomical Society when a resurfaced video from 2005 showed him clearly stating that Pluto is one of nine planets in our solar system. 

The broader scientific community is in an uproar and took to social media #FireProfJerkowitz.

“Pluto is ~clearly~ a dwarf planet,” read one viral tweet from user SpaceM@tters69, who continued “we must hold Prof. Zirkowitz accountable and show the world that there are consequences when someone with his influence in the academic community shares such blatant misinformation. #FireProfJerkowitz,” read another tweet.

Another user cast doubt on the whole of Prof. Zirkowitz’s astronomical knowledge. “So a gold medal winning astronomer claimed there are nine planets in our solar system. Makes me question his long-held belief about the color of Mars. Is it really red? #FireProfJerkowitz”

The backlash forced the hand of the Royal Astronomical Society, who in an uncharacteristic display of solidarity, unanimously voted to boot Professor Zirkowitz from their organization and strip him of his gold medal.

“We hope this sends a clear message to all astronomers that you must be omniscient, today, of our discoveries decades from now. As such, I would consider the implications of writing any papers about extraterrestrial life or black-body radiation.”

When reached for comment, Prof. Zirkowitz appeared to deflect the blame on his predecessors, “Come on! Even Einstein got it wrong with his ‘Stationary Universe’ theory, and nobody is proposing that his Nobel Prize be revoked.”

The post Award Winning Astronomer Kicked Out Of Royal Astronomical Society After Video From 2005 Shows Him Calling Pluto A Planet appeared first on dnatured journal.

Nobel Prize-winning physicist Cameron Andrews has been found after his disappearance 18 months ago, claiming to have been held captive by a grad student obsessed with his work on string theory. Andrews says nursing student Ivana Billes supposedly rescued him from a car crash, but quickly turned violent after reading the abstract for his next paper. 

“I had wiped out off the highway and she took me to a cabin out in the woods to treat my broken legs,” Andrews said in a rare interview about the ordeal. “She said was a big fan and was dying to know what I was working on next. I had no idea she would freak out about me shifting my focus from particle displacement to quantum gravity, but she burned my research paper right on the spot!” 

The next few days, Andrews was made to write a sequel to his acclaimed thesis by Billes, who told no one of his whereabouts and made it clear he would not be released until the paper was submitted and peer-reviewed by her exclusively. “I tried telling her that I couldn’t, that my conclusion was pretty much proven beyond a doubt and that we wouldn’t have been able to get funding. That’s when she broke my ankle with a sledgehammer.”

Despite the terror of his captivity, Andrews admits that his productivity was never been higher. “You’d be amazed how easy it is to stay motivated during a research project when it’s very clear the board plans to kill you if you don’t produce results. Plus, the supercollider she had set up in her basement was actually pretty impressive.” 

“Miss Billes was certainly a bright and resourceful young woman. If only she had applied her devious and unethical mind to her studies, she could have had a bright career in medical science instead of me having to cave her head in with the typewriter she had me working on.”

In related news, a professor who reportedly chained up students and forced them to complete overdue assignments has been cleared of all charges after the supposed victims confirmed that’s just the only way they can focus on schoolwork. 

The post Renowned Physicist Kidnapped And Forced To Write Sequel To His Thesis By Crazed Superfan appeared first on dnatured journal.

After years of frustration dealing with single-digit NIH paylines, microbiologist Malcolm Welles invented a time machine to transport himself to the 1980s when ample grant funding was the norm.

“Back then institutes didn’t have to make arbitrary distinctions among well-reviewed proposals – they could all be funded down to the 30th, even 35th percentile!” said time travel pioneer Welles. “Old-timers in the faculty lounge can’t stop smiling when they talk about those days. I just wanted to experience that for myself.”

So far Welles has received two hefty grants that will keep his 20th century lab going well into the 1990s. “It’s astounding. The proposals aren’t any better than the ones I submit in the present but the money keeps rolling in.”

Welles has begun to share his secret with others. New faculty member Mary Warner recently returned from her second trip. “I didn’t suffer any ill effects,” the intrepid bacteriologist explained, “and the benefits are amazing. In 1985 I have my own R01 a full three years before I come up for promotion. Try doing that in 2021.”

“Also,” says Warner, “I’ve amassed a terrific collection of scrunchies.”

When asked how success in the past helps his current applications, Welles’s tone became muted. “I always return eager to write new grants but the enthusiasm fades when my scores are in the 20th percentile and unfundable.” He sighed and popped a Duran Duran cassette tape into his Walkman. “Still, it shows my mentoring committee I’m trying.”

The post Can’t Get Funding For Your Project? Try Travelling Back to the 1980s For Some Absurdly Generous Grants! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Researchers at the Bremner lab were devastated after realizing someone had updated their ancient computer’s software , completely cutting off access to several MS-DOS programs needed to run their most critical instruments.

Despite the computer’s giant sign that read “DO NOT UPDATE CPU OR ELSE” followed by a list of violent but empty threats, when it was booted witnesses said it displayed the devastating news right on screen; “Welcome to Windows XP.”

The computer, which was one of seven left in the world that could run the group’s crystallography software. They are now searching local estate sales for potential replacements.

The update affected some students worse than others.

“It wasn’t just the lab software man,” said PhD student Mitchell Kruse. “I was so close to finishing Carmen Sandiego!”

Kruse says his PI has told his labmates to publish “a few articles” during the instrument downtime, while the lab looks for another computer that can run a partially disintegrated floppy disk from 1992.

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Whoops! Someone Did A Software Update On The Lab’s Ancient Computer And Now Nothing Works appeared first on dnatured journal.