Jenkins, D. et al
Saturn, the second largest planet in our solar system, is spending the New Year alone after her stunning collection of rings failed to include a wedding ring for the four billionth year in a row.
While Saturn has thus far not responded when asked for comment, other planets in the solar system had a lot to say about her astronomically long engagement.
“It’s embarrassing,” gossiped Mars. “Maybe if she didn’t have so many moons to deal with she’d have time to plan a wedding.” Other planets in the solar system had a lot to say about Saturn’s astronomically long engagement.
“If she would just settle down,” said Mercury, “that storm raging in her pole would have any spouse hesitant to make things permanent. They’re probably too afraid to even ask for the ring back.”
“She could pick a color too,” added Venus. “Mars may not have a ring but at least she knows who she is. Saturn’s just trying to be too many things at once. Pick a lane and stay in it, girlfriend.”
Earth declined to comment citing a fever.
Jupiter seemed to be the only one in Saturn’s corner, likely due to their similar makeup. “They’re all just jealous because they’re just as old and have nothing to show for it except for a few lumpy moons. People forget Uranus is also unwed with a ring. But nobody badmouths Uranus because she wears her ring like an idiot and smells like farts.”
“At least I don’t have a giant zit on my face,” countered Uranus.
“It’s a storm and it’s perfectly natural!” yelled Jupiter.
“This drama is why I moved so far away and give these caddy queens the cold shoulder,” snapped Neptune.
Pluto was not asked for comment, but left several voicemails explaining her availability to interview.