Astronomers Admit Pretty Much All Constellations Look Like Penises To Them

Ito, R. et al

The executive board at NASA has finally come clean and admitted that when they go stargazing, even their most mature and learned astronomers can only see male sex organs when attempting to make out constellations outlined by ancient scholars.

“I know they’re all supposed to be animals, mythological figures and such, but damn if I don’t just see a bunch of cocks when I look at the night sky,” admitted Nobel prize nominated astrophysicist Nigel Loggins. “I mean, has no one else thought to connect that nearby star to Orion to give him a massive erection? Come on!”

Some scholars have put forward the theory that the constellations were always meant to be super phallic in design. 

“We need to remember that most of these constellations were named and designed by the Ancient Greeks, a very well-known pro-penis culture,” said history professor Gregory Zhang of the University of Cambridge. “There’s a lot of evidence that Ptolemy’s original name for Cassiopeia was ‘The Uncircumcised One’ before he was forced to change it by the authorities.”

Following this admission, NASA has also released a list of other needlessly sexual discoveries they have made over the years. These include the dwarf planet Baby Maker, the Blown Load meteor shower of 1988, and the Doggy Style Nebula, which was actually first noted by an unnamed 12 year old boy.

The revelation that most experts view most constellations as a collection of wangs has given rise to both a call for increased gender diversity in NASA’s leadership, which the agency swears is their top priority right after renaming the Big Dipper to Big Pecker.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.