Every failure is a step in the right direction

After creating the lightbulb, Thomas Edison once said: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Maybe scrolling mindlessly through TikTok videos for hours each night is one of YOUR steps? Try it out!

Ideas come when you least expect it

It’s a well-known fact that the best ideas come to us in unexpected places and times. For example, in the shower, or right before falling asleep, or while binge-watching a month’s worth of TV shows in a weekend you had dedicated to writing your thesis. NEVER do the obvious thing and force yourself to write–you will miss out on the serendipity in science!

Sleep is crucial

If Isaac Newton had not been dozing off under an apple tree, he may have never discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. Rumor has it he was sleeping to avoid writing his graduate school thesis. Be like Newton and sleep often, especially in precarious places!

Stand on the shoulders of giants

Be sure to watch TV shows or movies that have characters who are scientists. If you take a few notes, it’s basically the same as being in the lab doing your own research! And who knows, maybe the incredibly inaccurate depictions of science will help you think of creative new ways to describe your own experimental shortcomings. 

The post 4 Ways to Justify Your Procrastination As An Essential Part Of The Thesis Writing Process appeared first on dnatured journal.

Want a better tax return but aren’t rich enough for tax evasion? Science has you covered! Simply declare all your lab and body-based bacteria as dependents for a tax credit. 

While people may call this tax fraud or “creative accounting,” if you have provided your bacteria with food, shelter and clothing for the last financial year, AND total bacterial income did not exceed $4200, then you technically have trillions of dependents! And when your annual income fee barely covers food and rent, it’s important to get as many tax breaks as possible. General Tips are followed by the complete Bacterial Dependent Tax Code.

Tips For Maximizing Your Tax Return

Maximize Cultures

The bigger your brood, the bigger the tax break, so be sure to culture your new wards overnight at 37 C to maximize their numbers.

Use Proper Names

A separate Form μ-810M3 must be submitted for each bacterium, so make sure you have a good naming scheme for all trillion bacteria, including strain information and a family tree. Tip: use modifiers such as “Jr” or “the MCLXXXXVIIth” for bacteria in the same family. 

Keep Track Of Birthdays

Carefully write down each bacterium’s birth date and time. This will help you assign each one a personality according to their star chart in case nosy tax people start asking.

Keep Receipts

Keep receipts from any bacteria-related purchases. Do not claim anything that might harm the bacteria, like alcohol or bleach. 

Have Photo Evidence

Take a photo with your new family! Having a record of family gatherings will help solidify the belief that your bacteria are dependants.

Count Exactly

To avoid a visit from the IRS, be sure to provide the EXACT number of dependent microbes. The IRS knows.

Grieve Conspicuously

Have lavish funerals for any bacterium that die. Love and cherish your bacteria. They are your family now. You are their god. They are children of God.

COVID-19 Addendum

If your bacteria have helped you navigate such a difficult year, have them registered as emotional support microbes

Bacterial Dependent Tax Code:

Add-Ons

If your bacteria carry any plasmids or phages, use Form C-0MP373N7 to enumerate them. 

State Microbes

Your state microbe should NOT be listed as a dependent. It is considered your civic duty to provide a safe home for that microbe. For similar reasons, you should NOT list Lactobacillus rhamnosus, which was given special protections by Ben Franklin in an 1823 executive order.

Supplements

Money spent on fiber supplements to feed your gut microbes is eligible for the Prebiotic Tax Credit established in 2015

Cytokine Changes

Previous guidelines suggested downregulating pro-inflammatory cytokines prior to tax season in order to boost microbial load. This strategy was outlawed in 2018.

Marital Microbes

If you share microbes with a spouse, be sure that only one of you claims that microbe.

Maximum Energy Limits

Any microbes earning more than 100 mol/day ATP are NOT eligible to be claimed as dependents.

The post Protocol: How To Get A Bigger Tax Return By Naming Your Bacteria As Dependents appeared first on dnatured journal.

A recent study from scientists at UCLA has found that students who score highly on the GRE are five times more successful at falling for capitalist scams than their lower scoring peers.

“Incredibly, we discovered these ‘high achievers’ often didn’t realize they were suckers to scheming test companies,” said Dudley Palaki, senior author on the paper. “However, they were great at defining incredibly useful GRE words like ‘quixotic,’ ‘fecund,’ and ‘mercurial,’ so it’s clear they are super smart.”

In fact, many successful GRE takers had already been swindled out of thousands of dollars worth of prep courses before even taking the exam (three times, on average). “In summary, these students are more than prepared for the financial mistake that is graduate school,” the authors concluded.

The post Study Shows GRE Score A Valid Predictor Of Ability To Get Scammed Out Of Hundreds Of Dollars appeared first on dnatured journal.

CRISPR

A cutting-edge, gender-neutral option! Any kid sporting this name will be one-of-a-kind, not to mention highly sought after!

Ben (short for benzene)

This sweet but dangerous compound is the perfect name for parents who value (carbon) equality and sharing (electrons).

Rosalind

Honor the TRUE discoverer of DNA’s double helix with this retro homage to Dr. Franklin. DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD WATSON OR CRICK.

Myc (short for mycoplasma)

Want a boy who’s bad to the bone? This single syllable name will ensure your child is notorious, even feared.

BLAST

If you’re expecting a boy, consider BLAST. He will have the coolest name in grade school and will thank you and the NCBI for his awesome childhood.

Your PI’s or thesis mentor’s name

They will be flattered!

Note: If you are a PI, just name your child after yourself, that way you can stroke your ego AND instill an inferiority complex from birth! Plus, what other babies have first authorship?

Nat (short for Nature)

Set your expectations high from the start! If you want to hedge, maybe make their middle name “communications”

pH < 7.0

Ensure your child is never called basic.

After Yourself, But In A Science Way

Instead of tired old moniker modifiers like Jr. or III, simply add NextGen in front of your own name or 2.0 after it.

Coronaline

Calling all virologists! Pay homage to the pandemic that led to your pregnancy with this sure to be viral name.

The post Scientific Baby Names To Help Your Newborn Get Noticed By The Ivy League appeared first on dnatured journal.

Results from a psychology study confirmed that while Americans will take someone in a white lab coat at their word, their belief is immediately revoked if that person turns out to be an actual doctor. 

“We had one doctor in a white coat instruct several Canadians to simply wash their hands after touching the doorknob, and, of course, they washed their hands,” said Dr. Lisa Tedbury, the lead researcher.

“With the American subjects, however, not only did they not wash their hands, but the participants had scribbled ‘science is fake’ on the wall in their own blood,” said Dr. Tedbury.

In another experiment, the researchers sent in a 4-year-old in a lab coat, and the Americans, delighted at the toddler’s charm, listened intently. Then, the child was awarded an MD, and the Americans, upon seeing her again, began accusing the child of hiding the truth.”Yet, as soon as the researchers announced the toddler was not actually a doctor, the American participants once again believed she was a trustworthy source of medical information. 

“The syndrome seems to know no bounds,” said Tedbury, adding that the Americans even believed coated non-doctors who claimed having sex with demons causes ovarian cancer. 

“The reactions of Americans were often visceral and violent,” she added. “One time, a doctor walked in and just said ‘hello’ and the American participants began quoting the Bible and breaking things.”

Sadly, any future projects have been put on pause by the researchers, who are recovering from the broken limbs they sustained after asking Americans to please stay six feet apart for social distancing. “Thank goodness that 4-year-old still had on her white coat,” says Tedbury, “Who knows what could have happened if she hadn’t stopped them…”

The post Study Confirms Americans Will Believe Anything Said By People Wearing White Coats, As Long As They’re Not Doctors Or Scientists appeared first on dnatured journal.

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Locked Down Biologist Finally Understands Desperation Of Lab Rats Trying To Escape Containment appeared first on dnatured journal.

While working from home has its challenges, grad student know that it’s important that your supervisor remain as dismayed with their progress as possible for a more seamless WFH. Here are some ways to let down your PI from afar!

Have spotty WiFi

First and foremost, be sure your WiFi signal is spotty at best. A po- -r in- net n-n-nection… will… ge…t any virtual communication off to a d-d-d-d-d-dis-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-appointing start.

Avoid setting hard deadlines

When sending updates, avoid using hard deadlines like “next Friday” or “by the the first,” which your supervisor can put in their calendar. Vague, open ended statements are key to ensuring you retain little to no commitment. When asked, say you’ll have data “soon” or “by the end of the month” (no one explicitly said which month).

Send corrupted files 

When your PI demands results can’t open them, act confused and above all else, deny any knowledge of the issue.

Blame quarantine

Need the results from that experiment a few months ago? Damn! It’s in your lab notebook and tragically you left it back in the lab.

Background noise

Ensure your significant other is working on loud but “important” tasks in the background. For extra credit, give your dogs something to bark at for hours on end.

The post Protocol: How To Disappoint Your PI Remotely appeared first on dnatured journal.

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Beta Male Physicist Excited To Witness Alpha’s Decay appeared first on dnatured journal.

Diving further and further into debt because your grad school stipend can only cover rent OR food? Lower your expenses by secretly shacking up in your empty lab! 

Apart from the cost savings, living in the lab also has a bunch of other benefits, like:

Cool new amenities

Does your apartment have an ice maker? Or an oven that can go up to 1200 degrees? Didn’t think so! Plus there’s still sinks that reek of bleach and bacteria to remind you of home.

Amenities that are better than the ones in your apartment

Who needs a bed when you have a clean microwave, cluttered shelves full of books you’ll never read, and super strong alcohol!

All the yeast you could ever want

Worried you’ll miss out on the sourdough baking craze without your home kitchen? Worry no more! Stores may be out of yeast but there’s plenty in the lab, and just think how great the warm room will be for proofing dough!

Mouse roommates

Instead of having noisy roommates who leave their dishes in the sink, welcome to life with roommates who barely make a peep!

Fruit fly cheerleaders

These lil guys basically CHEER whenever you eat fruit, and without rent you can probably afford a few berries for once!

More time for experiments

While everyone else has to put their lab research on hold, you get to go wild on all the instruments that usually have a months-long waiting list!

The post Grad Student Life Hack? How To Save On Rent By Squatting In Your Empty Lab! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Success! Student Aces Thesis Defense After Harshest Committee Member Can’t Figure Out How To Unmute Mic appeared first on dnatured journal.