Kaplan, J., Bishop, B., Conchord, F., Letourneau, J., Ito, R., Office, E., Graham, L.
Want a better tax return but aren’t rich enough for tax evasion? Science has you covered! Simply declare all your lab and body-based bacteria as dependents for a tax credit.
While people may call this tax fraud or “creative accounting,” if you have provided your bacteria with food, shelter and clothing for the last financial year, AND total bacterial income did not exceed $4200, then you technically have trillions of dependents! And when your annual income fee barely covers food and rent, it’s important to get as many tax breaks as possible. General Tips are followed by the complete Bacterial Dependent Tax Code.
Tips For Maximizing Your Tax Return
Maximize Cultures
The bigger your brood, the bigger the tax break, so be sure to culture your new wards overnight at 37 C to maximize their numbers.
Use Proper Names
A separate Form μ-810M3 must be submitted for each bacterium, so make sure you have a good naming scheme for all trillion bacteria, including strain information and a family tree. Tip: use modifiers such as “Jr” or “the MCLXXXXVIIth” for bacteria in the same family.
Keep Track Of Birthdays
Carefully write down each bacterium’s birth date and time. This will help you assign each one a personality according to their star chart in case nosy tax people start asking.
Keep Receipts
Keep receipts from any bacteria-related purchases. Do not claim anything that might harm the bacteria, like alcohol or bleach.
Have Photo Evidence
Take a photo with your new family! Having a record of family gatherings will help solidify the belief that your bacteria are dependants.
Count Exactly
To avoid a visit from the IRS, be sure to provide the EXACT number of dependent microbes. The IRS knows.
Grieve Conspicuously
Have lavish funerals for any bacterium that die. Love and cherish your bacteria. They are your family now. You are their god. They are children of God.
COVID-19 Addendum
If your bacteria have helped you navigate such a difficult year, have them registered as emotional support microbes
Bacterial Dependent Tax Code:
Add-Ons
If your bacteria carry any plasmids or phages, use Form C-0MP373N7 to enumerate them.
State Microbes
Your state microbe should NOT be listed as a dependent. It is considered your civic duty to provide a safe home for that microbe. For similar reasons, you should NOT list Lactobacillus rhamnosus, which was given special protections by Ben Franklin in an 1823 executive order.
Supplements
Money spent on fiber supplements to feed your gut microbes is eligible for the Prebiotic Tax Credit established in 2015
Cytokine Changes
Previous guidelines suggested downregulating pro-inflammatory cytokines prior to tax season in order to boost microbial load. This strategy was outlawed in 2018.
Marital Microbes
If you share microbes with a spouse, be sure that only one of you claims that microbe.
Maximum Energy Limits
Any microbes earning more than 100 mol/day ATP are NOT eligible to be claimed as dependents.
