Protocol: How To Get A Bigger Tax Return By Naming Your Bacteria As Dependents

Kaplan, J., Bishop, B., Conchord, F., Letourneau, J., Ito, R., Office, E., Graham, L.

Want a better tax return but aren’t rich enough for tax evasion? Science has you covered! Simply declare all your lab and body-based bacteria as dependents for a tax credit. 

While people may call this tax fraud or “creative accounting,” if you have provided your bacteria with food, shelter and clothing for the last financial year, AND total bacterial income did not exceed $4200, then you technically have trillions of dependents! And when your annual income fee barely covers food and rent, it’s important to get as many tax breaks as possible. General Tips are followed by the complete Bacterial Dependent Tax Code.

Tips For Maximizing Your Tax Return

Maximize Cultures

The bigger your brood, the bigger the tax break, so be sure to culture your new wards overnight at 37 C to maximize their numbers.

Use Proper Names

A separate Form μ-810M3 must be submitted for each bacterium, so make sure you have a good naming scheme for all trillion bacteria, including strain information and a family tree. Tip: use modifiers such as “Jr” or “the MCLXXXXVIIth” for bacteria in the same family. 

Keep Track Of Birthdays

Carefully write down each bacterium’s birth date and time. This will help you assign each one a personality according to their star chart in case nosy tax people start asking.

Keep Receipts

Keep receipts from any bacteria-related purchases. Do not claim anything that might harm the bacteria, like alcohol or bleach. 

Have Photo Evidence

Take a photo with your new family! Having a record of family gatherings will help solidify the belief that your bacteria are dependants.

Count Exactly

To avoid a visit from the IRS, be sure to provide the EXACT number of dependent microbes. The IRS knows.

Grieve Conspicuously

Have lavish funerals for any bacterium that die. Love and cherish your bacteria. They are your family now. You are their god. They are children of God.

COVID-19 Addendum

If your bacteria have helped you navigate such a difficult year, have them registered as emotional support microbes

Bacterial Dependent Tax Code:

Add-Ons

If your bacteria carry any plasmids or phages, use Form C-0MP373N7 to enumerate them. 

State Microbes

Your state microbe should NOT be listed as a dependent. It is considered your civic duty to provide a safe home for that microbe. For similar reasons, you should NOT list Lactobacillus rhamnosus, which was given special protections by Ben Franklin in an 1823 executive order.

Supplements

Money spent on fiber supplements to feed your gut microbes is eligible for the Prebiotic Tax Credit established in 2015

Cytokine Changes

Previous guidelines suggested downregulating pro-inflammatory cytokines prior to tax season in order to boost microbial load. This strategy was outlawed in 2018.

Marital Microbes

If you share microbes with a spouse, be sure that only one of you claims that microbe.

Maximum Energy Limits

Any microbes earning more than 100 mol/day ATP are NOT eligible to be claimed as dependents.

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About Author

Justin Kaplan

Justin Kaplan is a writer and recovering researcher based in Boston. His words have appeared in The Atlantic, WBUR—Boston's NPR News Station, and academic journals you've probably never heard of. Justin is also editor-in-chief of The Boston Accent, a wicked serious satire publication.

Jeffrey Letourneau

Jeff works in a poop lab, where he is trying to spin a love of food and microbes into a PhD. You can follow him on Twitter @letourjeff.

Ben Bishop

Ben Bishop is a TESOL/Linguistics Masters Candidate at the Online Ball State University. He writes about syntax, literary theory, and other extremely exciting things while scratching his dog and speaking to her in a decidedly odd voice.

Fragnance Conchord

Fragnance Conchord is a day-time scientist pursuing comedy as a side-gig. Fragnance has written for Robotbutt, Blaffo and recently contributed to the book "Welcome To The Future Which Is Mine" by Not Elon Musk. Twitter: @FConchord

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

Emma Office

Emma Office is a medical student by day and also a medical student by night, though she thinks it’d be cool to be a comedian. Her work has been published in multiple places, including her 4th grade class essay book.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Justin Kaplan 16 Articles
Justin Kaplan is a writer and recovering researcher based in Boston. His words have appeared in The Atlantic, WBUR—Boston's NPR News Station, and academic journals you've probably never heard of. Justin is also editor-in-chief of The Boston Accent, a wicked serious satire publication.