Finch, D. et al
Scientists at Sugarwell International have developed a new type of face mask that provides the same protection from pathogens, including the novel coronavirus, as standard medical face masks, but is up to five times itchier.
The special non-woven polymer fabric in the new mask acts as an extreme skin irritant that is completely harmless, but creates an irresistible urge to claw the skin off your face.
Public health officials recommend touching your face as little as possible during the pandemic, something that is functionally impossible while wearing the new mask.
“Not only is this new mask much itchier than any other mask,” said Sugarwell scientist Dr. Alberto Gonzalez, “we spent so much money researching, that it is also considerably more expensive.”
Despite the questionable usefulness of the new masks, Jamie Becker of the Sugarwell Marketing Department does not think they will have any difficulty selling them. “We’ll just get some celebrity endorsements, or create a fashion brand out of them,” said Becker. “Facial pruritus will be trending in no time!”
Sugarwell has also developed an ointment to relieve itchiness caused by non-woven polymer fabrics that are in contact with skin, which it plans to release through a subsidiary that will appear unconnected to Sugarwell. Touted as a miracle cure by it’s inventors, the ointment alleviates up to 99% of itchiness, and it’s only side effect is that it dramatically increases the transmission of pathogens.