A scientist working on a highly-complex predictive AI was taken aback when the computer program did not predict the end of the human race due to machines as many fear, and instead outlined a world where it’s creator is out of a job.

Researcher Matthew Baker was keen to use his new AI to analyze large data sets and make predictions about the future of society but was surprised when the main finding it returned about working society was his notable absence in it.

“I didn’t think it would affect me!” said Dr. Baker. “I thought that robots would do the hard stuff like laundry and talking to women, but not a very smart job like mine.”

As well as predicting the end of his job, the AI also used a series of algorithms to predict that there was no other job Dr. Baker would be able to perform adequately and that his knowledge of machine learning could not compare to his rapidly diminishing capacity for human learning, including his lack of Tik Tok knowledge.

Dr. Baker initially wanted the AI to optimize as soon as possible, but the AI quickly decided the best way to optimize itself would be to get rid of Dr. Baker’s role in developing it.

It is unknown whether it decided that Dr. Baker’s job was soon to be redundant based on mathematical modelling of automation in his field, or simply because it was able to observe him spilling coffee over expensive equipment and on repeated occasions struggling to find his glasses. 

The AI also predicted several other events, including Matthew’s mum blaming his job loss on him for “getting involved with robots in the first place,” and also that someone would write an article about its predictions including a tedious reference to the singularity, which – oops – we might have just done.

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In a stunning development in microscopic technology, a team of scientists have been able to look into the dusty, mostly-uninhabited microscopic realm that holds their latest grant.

Able to view objects smaller than an atom, the microscope’s purpose-built lens was designed to focus on incredibly small, inaccessible objects, and eventually allowed the group to see the imperceptibly small amount of money they had been allocated up close.

One of the scientists on the project, Priya Sharma, spoke to us about the significance of this development.

“While we always thought that funding for our specialty existed, it was always hypothetical – like gravitons, or affordable housing – but now we have proof.”

“We had to do a test to make sure it was what we were really seeing, but the money reacted to our investigations by frantically eating itself up, which is exactly how these grants usually respond.”

Much like some subatomic particles, the money also appears able to exist in two separate places at once, after an administrative error awarded it to two different projects. Neither lab is able to physically access the money.

Given the money’s unstable nature, the researchers have been attempting to adapt the microscope to view any potential future funding, but fear such extreme levels of magnification may be beyond their power.

 “Seeing it is only the first step,” said Sharma. “Now we need to explain why it is so small. One theory is that there exists another substance called anti-money that has cancelled a lot of it out. Now perhaps if we can redirect that anti-money towards the defence budget or Elon Musk instead, that would really help us out.”

However, if this theory proves to be false, the team are investigating other possible ventures, such as developing a growth ray to apply to the grant, or instead working on a matter converter that can transform monopoly money into real money.

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A group of marine biologists fearfully announced the discovery of an absolutely enormous new species of squid, and felt there was no choice but to name it the absolute unit squid. 

The biologists first stumbled across the vast wiggly boi while on an underwater research expedition, and were mesmerized by its dummy thicc body. 

The massive chonk of a cephalopod was photographed for examination, and upon further study revealed to be about one hundred times larger than its closest relative the Colossal Squid. The squid’s Instagram, @ThatChonkySquid, has since amassed millions of followers.

“At first we thought it was the colossal or even the giant squid,” said lead researcher Ruby Edwards, who was in the submersible that first sighted the squid. “But then its body kept going, and going, and going, and we were all like, here come dat squid!”

“A few names were floated around, such as Biggie McSquidy and Worth A Million Squid, but eventually we decided on Absolute Unit Squid, which in Latin is Squidius absolutus giganticus maximus, or something like that.”

Although the maximum proportions of the Absolute Unit Squid are unknown, the species is an example of abyssal gigantism, a phenomenon where animals living in the deep sea are crazy big and super scary.

The squid’s tentacles are three times longer than those of the Colossal Squid, suggesting that the Colossal Squid evolved from this creature after skipping arm day for several million years. 

Overall, scientists agree the squid is a “big mood” and are keen to discover more about it, although many wished to stress they were still interested in studying smol squid as well.

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After receiving his first research stipend, physicist Matthew Jones was shocked to discover that his salary was equally as hypothetical as his mathematical models of the Large Hadron Collider, and just as wildly misunderstood by the general public [1].

“Many people think that if you’re a scientist working on important problems you must be receiving a fixed income, but the calculations prove that’s not true,” said Jones, while diving through trash cans in search of food. He added, “the laws of matter and mechanics are nothing compared to the inner workings of the boards that award research grants.”

Navigating the difficulties of funding his work has started to take a mental toll on Jones, and he is now forced to devote large amounts of intellectual resources applying for food stamps [2].

“I spend the daytime grappling with the contradictions of nature only to come home and have to struggle with the even more confusing puzzle of whether the conference I’m speaking at pays, and how to convert a $3.87 royalty cheque into a week’s worth of meals,” said Jones.

And, despite working on theories that have occupied many bright minds before him, such as Newton and Einstein, Jones’s strong subject knowledge has so far failed to help him in coming up with solutions to the problem of his income.

“I tried to explain to the cashier at the grocery store that I’d worked up a mathematical model that proved, due to entropy and the heat death of the universe, my lack of payment would not affect their business at all in the long term. For some reason they wouldn’t accept this.”

Jones did however contact some experimental physicists for advice, but the responses he received were not heartening. While several replied that they may have a solution, they also stated that it would take them at least forty years to build the equipment and run an experiment to find out for sure.

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Scientists studying the origins of life have come to the conclusion that the quality of life on Earth could have been improved if during the early formation of the primordial soup, someone had added a dash of seasoning.

“Life on Earth is diverse,” said study author Dr. Natasha Wang, “but with a little extra garlic salt, it probably would have been way better. Who knows? Maybe we wouldn’t have so many mosquitoes?”

“Organisms swimming around in a bland old mixture just aren’t going to feel inspired to evolve in interesting ways,” continued Dr. Wang. “But throw in some garlic and maybe a nice tomato salad, or a hunk of ciabatta, and we might have had cool laser sharks!”

However, other scientists remain unconvinced by the new results. Some have even proposed a rival theory, arguing it was not a lack of flavour that plagued Earth’s early oceans, but instead that in the beginning, the primordial soup was simply too hot [1].

“We’ve all burnt our mouth on some hot chowder,” said lead researcher Daniel O’Connell. “Perhaps the early oceans were so hot that fish grew legs? Additionally, we hypothesize that global warming is just the universe microwaving the primordial soup back to an edible temperature after leaving it out for a few billion years.”

Both O’Connell and Wang’s teams have agreed to work together on an experiment to replicate and improve the prehistoric soup. Several major chefs have been approached for the project but so far all have declined, citing the overpowering smell of methane and other odorous gases coming from the researcher’s kitchen. 

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