Terrified Scientists Discover Colossal Squid’s Even Bigger Ancestor: Absolute Unit Squid

Richards, V. et al

A group of marine biologists fearfully announced the discovery of an absolutely enormous new species of squid, and felt there was no choice but to name it the absolute unit squid. 

The biologists first stumbled across the vast wiggly boi while on an underwater research expedition, and were mesmerized by its dummy thicc body. 

The massive chonk of a cephalopod was photographed for examination, and upon further study revealed to be about one hundred times larger than its closest relative the Colossal Squid. The squid’s Instagram, @ThatChonkySquid, has since amassed millions of followers.

“At first we thought it was the colossal or even the giant squid,” said lead researcher Ruby Edwards, who was in the submersible that first sighted the squid. “But then its body kept going, and going, and going, and we were all like, here come dat squid!”

“A few names were floated around, such as Biggie McSquidy and Worth A Million Squid, but eventually we decided on Absolute Unit Squid, which in Latin is Squidius absolutus giganticus maximus, or something like that.”

Although the maximum proportions of the Absolute Unit Squid are unknown, the species is an example of abyssal gigantism, a phenomenon where animals living in the deep sea are crazy big and super scary.

The squid’s tentacles are three times longer than those of the Colossal Squid, suggesting that the Colossal Squid evolved from this creature after skipping arm day for several million years. 

Overall, scientists agree the squid is a “big mood” and are keen to discover more about it, although many wished to stress they were still interested in studying smol squid as well.

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About Author

Vicky Richards

Vicky Richards is a writer and editor living in London. By day she edits non-fiction books for children, and by night she attempts to be funny on the internet. Her articles have been published in Succubus Magazine and The London Gonzo.

About Vicky Richards 5 Articles
Vicky Richards is a writer and editor living in London. By day she edits non-fiction books for children, and by night she attempts to be funny on the internet. Her articles have been published in Succubus Magazine and The London Gonzo.