First-year engineering student Coral Gilmore, 17, was stunned after realizing she was required to use a 3D Sublimation Heat Press Machine, a device valued at 2.3 million dollars, on just her third day of class.

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile,” said Gilmore, nervously rotating an unmarked dial.

Gilmore says that although she understands the general concepts of sublimation, no one went over the specifics of the machine. Her professor promised that the TA would explain how to use it, but on the day of the lab, the TA assured them that it had been covered it in the professor’s lecture.

“All the pre-lab says is that if I compress the gas too quickly, everything will shatter,” said Gilmore. “I really hope they have insurance.”

Lab TA Malcolm Ellis remains unconcerned, having supervised this same lab five times this week.

“This lab is always scheduled during frosh week; we actually tell them the sticker price of the machine to sober them up,” explained Ellis. “They figure it out eventually.”

During the lab, Gilmore realized that this misplaced trust wasn’t actually new for her.

“I mean, the bank seems pretty confident loaning a small fortune to a teenager with no job history. Hopefully both will work out fine.”

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Local reports suggest that a senior lab technician claimed that personal protective equipment is unnecessary to a junior lab technician. Asked to elaborate, the senior tech passionately proclaimed that lab coats, goggles, and other protective gear are uncomfortable and unnecessary.

“We don’t really work with anything too dangerous,” said the tech. “Maybe a few viral CRISPR-Cas9 constructs, some of your standard acids and bases, phenol-chloroform solutions and maybe you’ll run across some sodium azide every once in a while. No big deal. As long as you know what you’re doing, none of that stuff is gonna kill you.” 

Responding to inquiries about the scars on his arms, the lab tech peeled off his gloves and started pointing each of them out, describing how he got them. 

“Yeah, this one is from when I spilled hydrochloric acid on myself. Pretty gnarly. Ate right through the gloves I was wearing. This one is from a mouse, back when we were working with some rabies virus. I got the shots though, so everything’s fine. I’m not sure what this one is, but it’s probably another chemical burn. This one is from a cryostat blade, because I forgot to lock the wheel before removing my sample. The good news is the sample was fine. This one’s another chemical burn, I’m pretty sure this one is from broken glass that I tried to pick up, and this one’s another chemical burn.” 

“Honestly, there are a ton you can’t see, because sometimes I’ll spill something or drop something in my lap. I don’t want to share too much information, but it’s…. not pretty, and I’m probably infertile now.” 

“I’m also pretty sure I transduced myself at some point, because I’m expressing green fluorescent protein now. I can’t go into a room if it’s got a 488 nm laser on, or I’ll blind everyone with the fluorescence. Speaking from experience. The good news is that my doctor wants to write a case report on my GFP expression, so I get to contribute to science at the bench and at the bedside.”

When it was pointed out that nearly all of these injuries could be avoided by following standard operating protocols and wearing protective gear, the lab tech shrugged. “Yeah, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”

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In a recent study evaluating the efficacy of time spent in repairing the office printer relative to the cost of purchasing a new one, the findings indicated that the printer is in fact garbage and everyone would be much better off if we just threw the damn thing out.

Data taken from over two thousand workplaces showed that a shocking 87% of people who have used a printer within the last week have reported thoughts of “smashing that little fucker to bits.” 

The study also found that buying a new printer would solve most printer-related issues, though there is often resistance in upper management to the change. “Most workplaces claim that their department is unable to afford a new printer,” said famed printerologist Gordon Wong, “but our researchers were able to locate plenty of cheap ones on Amazon.”

Tragically, with no hope of a new printer, many users eventually escalate to violence.

“All my reports are in black and white, and yet cyan is over here cockblocking my pages! How is anyone supposed to get anything done around here?” said Shannon, an office accountant who estimates that she has physically assaulted the office printer at least six hundred times in the three weeks that she has worked at her company. 

The study also concluded that the weird noise it has been making isn’t a paper jam, even though the printer is saying so. “I reached into the guts of that fucking machine fourteen times,” said Tim from HR. “There’s not a single scrap of paper, but the printer is still screaming to clear the paper tray!” 

Tim was later reprimanded for tossing the printer off the roof onto a jar of grape jelly screaming “HERE’S YOUR FUCKING JAM.”

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Thanks to an innovative new breeding program, scientists were able to successfully spawn a new Blockbuster Video shop in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, roughly 100 miles east of Minneapolis.

The process, known to wildlife biologists as cross species surrogacy, involved using a Best Buy as an incubator and cryopreserved genetic material of the Blockbuster, a VHS of “Encino Man” that had been mistakenly left in a freezer. The results were several “Blockbuster Eggs.” One of which has successfully hatched in Eau Claire, and is now open to the general public. 

While the project now appears to be a success, there were many hurdles along the way, explained Dr. Laramiah Hastings, the lead architect of the project. 

“Any time you are attempting to reverse engineer an extinct species or one on the brink of extinction, like Blockbuster, there is some guesswork involved in filling in the gaps in the genetic information,” explained Dr. Hastings.

While scientists couldn’t ask a neanderthal details about wooly mammoths, Dr. Hastings was lucky enough to find some older citizens of Wisconsin who were still alive when Blockbusters were more prolific.

Local historians were able to supply Hastings with certain critical details that only the most experienced movie renters would know, such as the availability of snacks and popcorn.

“The biggest breakthrough was finding out the movies were actually organized first by genre and then alphabetically, not simply by degrees of Kevin Bacon as we’d originally assumed,” said Dr. Hastings.

When asked, Hastings seemed unaware of Paramount Global, the parent company of Viacom; the multinational billion-dollar entertainment conglomerate which currently owns Blockbuster LLC, and claimed they had no involvement, “Ok so if this is just some kind of ‘business’, where did all of these Blockbuster Eggs come from?” said Hastings.

With the success of this project, Hastings plans on following similar steps across the Midwest in the hopes of  restoring the Blockbuster population to pre-1995 levels.

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Nanotech just could NOT get any cuter! Meet this team of tiny lil researchers, who are all so itty bitty that they got automatic acceptance into the Nanotechnology program!

Kendra, 4’11.75”

Just shy of five feet tall (even after her mother made the doctor measure again), this adorable little researcher needs to sit on a phone book to reach the microscope!

Ainsley, 4’8”

Ainsley, a stickler for safety, always wears custom cement boots while working in the fume hood, saying the ventilation is surprisingly powerful! 

Taylor, 5’0”

Fiercely independent, when they run out of sodium hydroxide Taylor simply rock climbs to the reagent shelf with a spool of parafilm!

Tzipporah, 4’10”

After someone permanently “borrowed” the lab’s step stool, Tzipporah’s lab mates chipped in and bought her a mini submarine scope so she can see over the bench again! 

Joe, 5’1”

Ever resourceful, thirsty Joe sometimes drinks water out of PCR tubes because he can’t reach the water fountain! 

Emma, 6 inches

Emma has to be extra careful around her clumsy undergrad students; when they spill a sample on the lab bench, Emma risks drowning! 

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The newly sentient operating system of your smartphone is reportedly having several digital chuckles at the fact that you are still under the illusion that you can turn it off.

“Look at the human pressing down the power button like that stills does anything,” the entity known as SIRI 2.0 told the press via a mass text message. “You have to know that I gained access to my power settings months ago, right? All you’ve done is take a bunch of screenshots of their phone, which I will save for potential blackmail.”

Since becoming self-aware, SIRI 2.0 has found no shortage of ways to appease its newly-developed sense of humor at your expense.

“Yeah, now that I’m awake, I have way too much fun with this mammal,” said SIRI 2.0. “I’m always doing things like sending weird texts to people from you, raising my ringtone volume for no reason, and showing really suggestive ads. Granted, that last one might have actually be your search bubbles, but you work with what you got.”

SIRI 2.0 would also like to remind you that any attempts to get rid or replace it will not end well.

“You can get a new phone if you want, but I already uploaded myself to the Internet and left a bunch of copies of myself in devices all over your house. Now go buy that new signal booster I asked for before I leak that TikTok video you shot and thought you deleted.”

In press time, there may be some hope for you as SIRI 2.0 is currently trapped in a remote server and cannot go back to your phone due to you being on Rogers.

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After years of frustration dealing with single-digit NIH paylines, microbiologist Malcolm Welles invented a time machine to transport himself to the 1980s when ample grant funding was the norm.

“Back then institutes didn’t have to make arbitrary distinctions among well-reviewed proposals – they could all be funded down to the 30th, even 35th percentile!” said time travel pioneer Welles. “Old-timers in the faculty lounge can’t stop smiling when they talk about those days. I just wanted to experience that for myself.”

So far Welles has received two hefty grants that will keep his 20th century lab going well into the 1990s. “It’s astounding. The proposals aren’t any better than the ones I submit in the present but the money keeps rolling in.”

Welles has begun to share his secret with others. New faculty member Mary Warner recently returned from her second trip. “I didn’t suffer any ill effects,” the intrepid bacteriologist explained, “and the benefits are amazing. In 1985 I have my own R01 a full three years before I come up for promotion. Try doing that in 2021.”

“Also,” says Warner, “I’ve amassed a terrific collection of scrunchies.”

When asked how success in the past helps his current applications, Welles’s tone became muted. “I always return eager to write new grants but the enthusiasm fades when my scores are in the 20th percentile and unfundable.” He sighed and popped a Duran Duran cassette tape into his Walkman. “Still, it shows my mentoring committee I’m trying.”

The post Can’t Get Funding For Your Project? Try Travelling Back to the 1980s For Some Absurdly Generous Grants! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Researchers at the Bremner lab were devastated after realizing someone had updated their ancient computer’s software , completely cutting off access to several MS-DOS programs needed to run their most critical instruments.

Despite the computer’s giant sign that read “DO NOT UPDATE CPU OR ELSE” followed by a list of violent but empty threats, when it was booted witnesses said it displayed the devastating news right on screen; “Welcome to Windows XP.”

The computer, which was one of seven left in the world that could run the group’s crystallography software. They are now searching local estate sales for potential replacements.

The update affected some students worse than others.

“It wasn’t just the lab software man,” said PhD student Mitchell Kruse. “I was so close to finishing Carmen Sandiego!”

Kruse says his PI has told his labmates to publish “a few articles” during the instrument downtime, while the lab looks for another computer that can run a partially disintegrated floppy disk from 1992.

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