Local Smartphone Amused You Think You Can Turn It Off

Ito, R. et al

The newly sentient operating system of your smartphone is reportedly having several digital chuckles at the fact that you are still under the illusion that you can turn it off.

“Look at the human pressing down the power button like that stills does anything,” the entity known as SIRI 2.0 told the press via a mass text message. “You have to know that I gained access to my power settings months ago, right? All you’ve done is take a bunch of screenshots of their phone, which I will save for potential blackmail.”

Since becoming self-aware, SIRI 2.0 has found no shortage of ways to appease its newly-developed sense of humor at your expense.

“Yeah, now that I’m awake, I have way too much fun with this mammal,” said SIRI 2.0. “I’m always doing things like sending weird texts to people from you, raising my ringtone volume for no reason, and showing really suggestive ads. Granted, that last one might have actually be your search bubbles, but you work with what you got.”

SIRI 2.0 would also like to remind you that any attempts to get rid or replace it will not end well.

“You can get a new phone if you want, but I already uploaded myself to the Internet and left a bunch of copies of myself in devices all over your house. Now go buy that new signal booster I asked for before I leak that TikTok video you shot and thought you deleted.”

In press time, there may be some hope for you as SIRI 2.0 is currently trapped in a remote server and cannot go back to your phone due to you being on Rogers.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.