First-year engineering student Coral Gilmore, 17, was stunned after realizing she was required to use a 3D Sublimation Heat Press Machine, a device valued at 2.3 million dollars, on just her third day of class.

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile,” said Gilmore, nervously rotating an unmarked dial.

Gilmore says that although she understands the general concepts of sublimation, no one went over the specifics of the machine. Her professor promised that the TA would explain how to use it, but on the day of the lab, the TA assured them that it had been covered it in the professor’s lecture.

“All the pre-lab says is that if I compress the gas too quickly, everything will shatter,” said Gilmore. “I really hope they have insurance.”

Lab TA Malcolm Ellis remains unconcerned, having supervised this same lab five times this week.

“This lab is always scheduled during frosh week; we actually tell them the sticker price of the machine to sober them up,” explained Ellis. “They figure it out eventually.”

During the lab, Gilmore realized that this misplaced trust wasn’t actually new for her.

“I mean, the bank seems pretty confident loaning a small fortune to a teenager with no job history. Hopefully both will work out fine.”

The post 17-Year-Old Lab Student Somehow Trusted With Two-Million Dollar Machine appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rare joint statement from the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC) and the newly-formed graduate student union set new guidelines for humane endpoints for graduate students. Graduate students who are overworked, underpaid or ‘just really not feeling it right now’ are eligible for humane euthanasia upon approval of their academic advisor and thesis committee. 

The Dean of Graduate Studies welcomed this new agreement. “These guidelines will help reduce suffering at our institution and improve the metrics of well-being of our student body.” 

One graduate student expressed relief at the landmark agreement. “The Graduate Student Union really allowed us to advocate for ourselves in an organized way to improve our conditions. We’re immensely grateful for the support of IACUC and their dedication to reducing suffering in University labs, from mice to Ph.D. students. I’m so excited that I can finally stop recapping euthanasia needles.” 

However, these changes to IACUC’s welfare faced significant pushback. Some principal investigators have raised concerns about the potential reduction in the pool of labor that they can exploit. One tenured professor, speaking anonymously, shared his views. “Just because graduate students think they have an out with humane euthanasia, doesn’t mean that I’ll allow it. Not before the data is analyzed and generated and I’ll be damned if I’m doing that myself. After the project is done, the paper gets accepted, then they can go ahead. Kids these days just don’t want to work.” 

Some postdoctoral fellows have reportedly expressed interest in the program as well, citing rising living costs, stagnant wages, and similar welfare concerns. However, any broader applications of these welfare guidelines will face massive institutional resistance if the university anticipates a reduction in its exploitable workforce.

The post Institutional Animal Welfare Group Proposes Humane Endpoints for Ph.D. Students appeared first on dnatured journal.

Face it, people want your data. It’s almost better to steal someone’s data then their findings – it saves you from having to do the experiment at all.

So how do you protect your lab notebook? Through the ancient art of illegibility! Make your chicken-scratch as complicated as possible with these helpful techniques…

Harness the power of your surroundings

Pump yourself full of coffee for extra hand jitters, and inhale the lab fumes around you. A lower dexterity will help conceal your data from anyone who knows how to read.

Stay physically active

It’s important to get the blood flowing. Get out of that chair and write while doing aerobics (specifically following along to 1982’s “Jane Fonda’s Original Workout”)

Hire a budding transcriber

Get a 7-year old with crayons to get your thoughts onto paper. This is also a great way to get them hating science from an early age.

Use two-factor authentication

Be sure to leave the titles to your experiments vague and potentially misleading. No one’s going to steal something labelled “Results of OJ trial.”

Create your own abbreviations

What does ASWAWN-18 mean? Or gWWP? Every acronym used nowadays was unknown until SOMEONE tried it, and maybe you’ll get some royalties out of it. (Or should I say RYLTZ?)

Practice your penmanship

Draw your 1s and Is the exact same way. It also doesn’t hurt to spill some iodine on your notebook, so that letters BECOME the same. Is that a B or an 8? I guess we’ll never know.

Communicate ideas with images rather than text

A picture is worth 1000 words, so leave doodles in the margin. A stick figure with a scribble next to it can represent everything from “a scientist with a flask” to “a pirate holding a stick of dynamite.” 

Never dismiss ideas

Be sure to never erase anything. Since you might need those ideas later, cross them out, but write “<– OK” next to some of them.

Trust yourself to know your own intentions

Omit all units of measurement. If it’s important enough, you’ll remember.

Break formality and explore your creative side

What are you, some sort of rule-following muppet? Write outside the lines! Leonardo DaVinci would apparently write backwards using a mirror, and he was a genius. If you’re truly exceptional, you can pull it off too. Or go all the way and get drunk halfway through your write-up. Watch as everything gets italicized!

Don’t be wasteful

Make sure that you use pens to their full potential, until they’re completely out of ink. Also, make use of every corner of the notebook and all the white space. You can practice your scribbling in the margins – remember, the smaller you write, the fewer notebooks you’ll need! Encrypt your data AND save the trees in one move!

The post Protocol: How To Encrypt Your Lab Notebook Using The Power Of Shitty Handwriting appeared first on dnatured journal.

Visitors of a Disney World resort were shocked when the rotting carcass of a mermaid drifted into the shore, leaving a trail of whozits and whatsits in its wake. Scientists later confirmed the mermaid’s stomach was filled with gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and about a dozen used condoms.

“Mermaids are being forced out of their natural habitat by oil spills, overfishing, and blood pacts with malevolent sea witches,” said Eric Prince, president of The Conservation of Mythical Beasts Society (CMBS). Due to population decline, The CMBS recently downgraded mermaids’ classification from “Critically Endangered” to “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

“Only two things can save the mermaids at this point,” said Prince, “either we take immediate action to reduce the amount of waste being disposed of in our oceans, or the mermaids themselves need to find a satisfactory love interest by the end of the third act.” Prince concluded “if neither of those things are done, mermaids will simply no longer be a part of our world.”

This is the third garbage-filled mermaid corpse to wash up on the coast of the “happiest place on earth” in the past year [1]. As a result, Prince tearfully asks, “wouldn’t you think our collection’s complete?”

The post Marine Biologists Confirm Mermaid That Washed Up On Shore Had Stomach Full Of Thing-A-Ma-Bobs appeared first on dnatured journal.

God has been in a state of inner turmoil of late, insider sources say, due to a dilemma over how to tell humanity that Escherichia coli, also known as E. coli, is actually the species made in His image.

“To be honest, I only made the human species in order for them to grow massive volumes of E. coli in the lab,” God said, “I even left some pretty obvious clues in the E. coli genome about all this, but obviously these simple little scientists have missed them.” 

While humans have failed to heed His message, E. coli, the blessed Gram-negative, facultative anaerobic, rod-shaped, coliform bacteria have exceeded His holy expectations and unified under a single, true religion.

“As a testament to their dedication, they erected a glorious church — the Cysteine chapel — and adorned it with gorgeous masterpieces of Me in My true form,” reminisced God.

Meanwhile, God is growing increasingly frustrated with how slow humanity is picking up on the superiority of E. coli. 

“They have so many wars and tragedy, do they seriously think I would do that to my chosen species?” asked God, gesturing broadly. God further confirmed that many of the great works He had wrought, such as Chipotle, were actually for the benefit of E. coli from the Beginning.

On whether He regretted letting humans go on believing their role in the universe was central to His divine plan, God said, “Of course! I should have set the record straight millennia ago. But the longer it goes on, the more awkward it’s going to be. You know how these things are.”

When asked by one particular brazen angel what sort of deity humanity was actually made in the image of, God reportedly began to sweat profusely.

The post God Not Sure How to Tell Humanity That E. Coli Is The Species Made in His Own Image appeared first on dnatured journal.

Climate scientists are now SCREAMING that the Earth is 100% that bitch, ready to go full fire emoji on all of humanity because we just could not stop pumping her full of pollution! Go AWF???! Data projections indicate that Mama Earth is heating up sewww hard that we should french-tuck in for a century full of hot girl summers, monsoon girl springs, drought girl autumns, and famine girl winters!

“Listen, we’ve been gassing up Earth on carbon dioxide for a hundred years,” said climatologist Dr. Sue Nami, “she ain’t about to go back to her drab old ice age lewks just cuz you bought like, one metal straw! Get ready to be cancelled straight into the rising sea, hunty!”

Described as an “ice queen” as recently as 12,000 years ago, scientists fear Earth’s temperature will soon reach a point where she will be classified as a PILFF; a Planet I Lowkey Fear For. 

And studies show they are right to be afraid! Since her recent ?kween?house gas fuelled makeover, the Earth has been absolutely KILLING IT across the globe, with death tolls from climate change estimated at 250,000 per year and rising. 

“I knew it was game-over once she got that fierce ozone wig from the Montreal Protocol and started contouring her ice caps,” said marine drag-ologist Oral Reef. “At this rate, she’ll get everybody wet by 2050!”

Earth’s recent glow up has also caused a series of forest fires, says ecologist Dr. Mass ExTwinkShawn, who warns that if we don’t make real efforts to preserve animal habitats, “many species will simply sashay away.”

But lead climate scientist Dr. Glow Ball Warming says that there is still time to act. “If you don’t want Earth to death drop our entire ecosystem, you absolutely must start to kiki with your state and local governments, and help change their environmental policies from busted to dusted!”

The post Yas Queen! Climate Scientists Say We Should Prepare For An Entire Hot Girl Century!!! appeared first on dnatured journal.

It’s happened. You’ve grown tired of wild nights in the lab, gathering data with reckless abandon, and you have finally written a manuscript that is ready to settle down with a nice, respectable journal. You think you’ve found the perfect match; modest impact factor, specific to your discipline, but not too specific, your colleagues say they can totally see you two hitting it off! 

And unlike those predatory journals, this one isn’t just into you for your submission fees. This journal would never send late night, typo-ridden, booty-call emails to other researchers, begging for material to publish. It even has reliable peer review! But how do you get them to notice you? Follow these tips for getting the mid-tier journal of your dreams to publish your work.

Grossly exaggerate clinical relevance

Journals love a science hero! Always link your research to common diseases people hate, and no matter how much of a stretch it is, remember, your findings are a potential treatment. Slam dunk if you mention cancer!

Get those P-values down

Are your P-values for key treatment conditions pushing 0.05? While society is changing, many journals are still superficial and won’t be interested in your manuscript unless that number drops. Trim down your P-values with rigorous sets of additional trials at least 2-3 times per week. In the meantime, try using a flattering statistical filter over your current data. 

Show off your best (not-so-representative) images

We all know what it’s like to acquire hundreds of images and have most of them not turn out as expected or hoped. But never fear, you’re bound to find at least one image per sample that makes your hypothesis look great. Doesn’t matter what the majority of your images look like – be sure to show off your best angles!

Catfish them with a review

Having an unsuccessful run of trying to get your own research published? Great news; your dream journal doesn’t have to recognize your own research as worthy of publication in order to get your name on a paper. All you have to do is give a coherent recap of other work in your field.

If all else fails, there’s always more fish in the sea! You’ll find another journal that accepts you as you are, questionable data analysis and all.

The post Protocol: How To Get A Cute, Mid-Tier Journal To Notice You appeared first on dnatured journal.

Grad student Anna Esquivel’s duties, which already include carrying out her research project, managing the lab, and TAing twice a week, have now expanded to include creating all poster and presentation images for her group after she created a half-decent image of a protein for a lab meeting.

“It was so amazing to see,” said Dr. Lyndon Vang, a postdoc in the same lab as Anna who attended the lab meeting in question. “The Prof was incredibly impressed by Anna’s ability to turn the standard shapes available in Powerpoint to an adequate representation of a protein. You should have seen the Prof’s face when the animation started!”

Anna has now been tasked to create all the images that the lab will use for all future talks, posters, and publications – including a (virtual) poster presentation that Dr. Vang’s due to present tomorrow. “Good thing I have Anna to help me,” Dr. Vang says. “So far, all I have is a title and half an abstract.”

Jadine Sparks, another grad student in the same lab, is an aspiring science illustrator. “It’s kind of frustrating; I’ve spent hours creating scientifically accurate figures in Adobe illustrator, both for scientific posters I’ve presented and to expand my portfolio – I want to make a career out of this. But apparently, all my figures look “too professional” for a scientific conference.”

Anna allegedly also knows how to do conditional conditioning in Excel, implying that soon she will also be designated the lab’s biostatistician.

The post Grad Student Becomes Lab’s Go-To Graphic Designer After Making Half-Decent Image In Powerpoint appeared first on dnatured journal.

Uh oh! Do you have a lab meeting coming up, and you (somehow) don’t have any data to report? Don’t panic! Why go through all the trouble of doing experiments, when you can just do some evasive tweaks? Here are our top suggestions:

Get creative! 

Change your graphs around. Make that bar graph a box and whisker plot. Change the colour of your fluorescence. Flip your images upside-down!

Redo your stats…. again. 

It’s not p-hacking if your ultimate goal is to create bullshit rather than significance! Was that a repeated measures or independent values analysis? Oh, who cares?

Focus on details! 

Give everyone a very lengthy explanation of how you’ve optimised every single step of that 3 day long protocol – if you lull them to sleep with the ins and outs of your most boring protocol, they will forget to ask you about results!

“The equipment is down…” 

So what that it’s the 90th time you’ve used that excuse. How can you do your experiments if the necessary apparatuses aren’t working? It’s not like you can… find something else to do in the meantime… right? No. Definitely not.

Say you’ve been reading and writing. 

You’re a scholar, so obviously it makes sense to take long stretches of time to do nothing but read… while watching Netflix.

Don’t even go. 

Stay home! Say you’re sick! Pretend you forgot… even though they’ve been at the same time for the last 3 years you’ve been in the lab. When they ask if you can just send them your data, simply reply, “no ❤️.”

The post 6 Ways To Say ‘I Don’t Have Any New Data’ At Your Next Lab Meeting appeared first on dnatured journal.

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