First-year engineering student Coral Gilmore, 17, was stunned after realizing she was required to use a 3D Sublimation Heat Press Machine, a device valued at 2.3 million dollars, on just her third day of class.

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile,” said Gilmore, nervously rotating an unmarked dial.

Gilmore says that although she understands the general concepts of sublimation, no one went over the specifics of the machine. Her professor promised that the TA would explain how to use it, but on the day of the lab, the TA assured them that it had been covered it in the professor’s lecture.

“All the pre-lab says is that if I compress the gas too quickly, everything will shatter,” said Gilmore. “I really hope they have insurance.”

Lab TA Malcolm Ellis remains unconcerned, having supervised this same lab five times this week.

“This lab is always scheduled during frosh week; we actually tell them the sticker price of the machine to sober them up,” explained Ellis. “They figure it out eventually.”

During the lab, Gilmore realized that this misplaced trust wasn’t actually new for her.

“I mean, the bank seems pretty confident loaning a small fortune to a teenager with no job history. Hopefully both will work out fine.”

The post 17-Year-Old Lab Student Somehow Trusted With Two-Million Dollar Machine appeared first on dnatured journal.

Celine Banks, a freshman taking first year psychology, says the course has been “soooooo interesting” and has allowed her to diagnose several friends with a litany of personality disorders that, before last week, she didn’t know existed.

Although she originally started college as a communications major, she now identifies as a “psychology savant,” having diagnosed more complex disorders in the past month than many trained psychologists diagnose over their entire careers [1].

“I’m really good at getting people’s acronyms. Like my roommate? Totally OCD,” said Banks. “She keeps her side of the dorm creepy organized, and totally freaked out when I left my rotting dishes in the middle of the floor for just 3 weeks.”

Banks attributes much of her prowess from years of watching Criminal Minds, which she has asked to be counted as extra credit to offset all her failed open book quizzes.

Banks also admits it’s hard to convince people to seek professional help after her assessments.

“I let the Chipotle guy know that charging me extra for guacamole fit at least two markers of being a sociopath, but he just rolled his eyes and moved on to the next customer!”

Said Banks, “Despite the anti-social rudeness, I hope he eventually gets the help he needs to chill the fuck out about guacamole.”

The post First Year Psych Student Confidently Diagnoses Friend With Disorder She Just Learned Existed appeared first on dnatured journal.

Face it, people want your data. It’s almost better to steal someone’s data then their findings – it saves you from having to do the experiment at all.

So how do you protect your lab notebook? Through the ancient art of illegibility! Make your chicken-scratch as complicated as possible with these helpful techniques…

Harness the power of your surroundings

Pump yourself full of coffee for extra hand jitters, and inhale the lab fumes around you. A lower dexterity will help conceal your data from anyone who knows how to read.

Stay physically active

It’s important to get the blood flowing. Get out of that chair and write while doing aerobics (specifically following along to 1982’s “Jane Fonda’s Original Workout”)

Hire a budding transcriber

Get a 7-year old with crayons to get your thoughts onto paper. This is also a great way to get them hating science from an early age.

Use two-factor authentication

Be sure to leave the titles to your experiments vague and potentially misleading. No one’s going to steal something labelled “Results of OJ trial.”

Create your own abbreviations

What does ASWAWN-18 mean? Or gWWP? Every acronym used nowadays was unknown until SOMEONE tried it, and maybe you’ll get some royalties out of it. (Or should I say RYLTZ?)

Practice your penmanship

Draw your 1s and Is the exact same way. It also doesn’t hurt to spill some iodine on your notebook, so that letters BECOME the same. Is that a B or an 8? I guess we’ll never know.

Communicate ideas with images rather than text

A picture is worth 1000 words, so leave doodles in the margin. A stick figure with a scribble next to it can represent everything from “a scientist with a flask” to “a pirate holding a stick of dynamite.” 

Never dismiss ideas

Be sure to never erase anything. Since you might need those ideas later, cross them out, but write “<– OK” next to some of them.

Trust yourself to know your own intentions

Omit all units of measurement. If it’s important enough, you’ll remember.

Break formality and explore your creative side

What are you, some sort of rule-following muppet? Write outside the lines! Leonardo DaVinci would apparently write backwards using a mirror, and he was a genius. If you’re truly exceptional, you can pull it off too. Or go all the way and get drunk halfway through your write-up. Watch as everything gets italicized!

Don’t be wasteful

Make sure that you use pens to their full potential, until they’re completely out of ink. Also, make use of every corner of the notebook and all the white space. You can practice your scribbling in the margins – remember, the smaller you write, the fewer notebooks you’ll need! Encrypt your data AND save the trees in one move!

The post Protocol: How To Encrypt Your Lab Notebook Using The Power Of Shitty Handwriting appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rowdy suburban house party was broken up by police last night after they discovered dozens of high school students shooting up dozens of vaccines.

“We knew something was up when we saw used hypodermic needles all over the lawn,” said police spokeswoman Carol O’Rourke, who said neighbours became concerned when they witnessed teens pulling up to the house with large boxes of bandaids.

O’Rourke notes that so-called “vaxx parties” are becoming more common as teens rebel against their vaccine-hesitant parents by organizing pop-up clinics at weekend ragers. Many teens have even started mixing vaccines to obtain an elevated high from a fully updated immunization history.

“After a few drinks, I did a Pfizella shot,” said Cyrus Johnson an attendee who got the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine and a rubella booster. “The high of being protected against a couple deadly illnesses was better than MDMA.”

But not every teenager from the party was willing to going on record, with many fearing parental punishment.

“Please don’t tell my mom about this,” said one sophomore who asked to remain anonymous. “If she finds out I got vaccinated, she’ll fucking kill me.”

The post Teens Caught At House Party Getting Vaccinated Out Of Their Fucking Minds appeared first on dnatured journal.

Climate scientists are now SCREAMING that the Earth is 100% that bitch, ready to go full fire emoji on all of humanity because we just could not stop pumping her full of pollution! Go AWF???! Data projections indicate that Mama Earth is heating up sewww hard that we should french-tuck in for a century full of hot girl summers, monsoon girl springs, drought girl autumns, and famine girl winters!

“Listen, we’ve been gassing up Earth on carbon dioxide for a hundred years,” said climatologist Dr. Sue Nami, “she ain’t about to go back to her drab old ice age lewks just cuz you bought like, one metal straw! Get ready to be cancelled straight into the rising sea, hunty!”

Described as an “ice queen” as recently as 12,000 years ago, scientists fear Earth’s temperature will soon reach a point where she will be classified as a PILFF; a Planet I Lowkey Fear For. 

And studies show they are right to be afraid! Since her recent ?kween?house gas fuelled makeover, the Earth has been absolutely KILLING IT across the globe, with death tolls from climate change estimated at 250,000 per year and rising. 

“I knew it was game-over once she got that fierce ozone wig from the Montreal Protocol and started contouring her ice caps,” said marine drag-ologist Oral Reef. “At this rate, she’ll get everybody wet by 2050!”

Earth’s recent glow up has also caused a series of forest fires, says ecologist Dr. Mass ExTwinkShawn, who warns that if we don’t make real efforts to preserve animal habitats, “many species will simply sashay away.”

But lead climate scientist Dr. Glow Ball Warming says that there is still time to act. “If you don’t want Earth to death drop our entire ecosystem, you absolutely must start to kiki with your state and local governments, and help change their environmental policies from busted to dusted!”

The post Yas Queen! Climate Scientists Say We Should Prepare For An Entire Hot Girl Century!!! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Let’s face it: at your primarily undergraduate institution, you’re the top dog around the lab. You’re the big kahuna; the one who actually has to live with the fact that you chose to pursue academic research at the graduate level. While your PI looks down on you, those undergraduates getting their first hit of scientific research see you as a god (or at least that’s what you tell yourself, Dr. Published). And if there’s one thing that you’re not gonna let happen, it’s letting these undergrads desecrate your temple by taking pipette tips randomly from the box. Here’s how you can keep them pipetting piously: 

Positive reinforcement

Start off easy — let them know they’re doing a good job whenever they decide to take tips from the box like a normal fucking human. 

Negative reinforcement

Otherwise known as the “I’ll keep doing this until you change” technique. Try throwing a tantrum whenever they start loading a 96-well plate, and stop whenever they decide to act their age again by taking tips in a top-to-bottom left-to-right fashion. 

Positive Punishment

If the first two techniques fail, try leaving them subliminal messages. A great way to do this is by rearranging the tips in all the boxes into the shape of a frowny face; this lets them know that their substandard performance has been the most significant minor inconvenience of your day. 

Negative Punishment

If your undergrads are still effectively playing whack-a-mole when loading their micropipettes, you may have to take away something they value. Your target is their left Apple AirPod, and your ransom is some goddamn etiquette. Taking pipette tips from the box is of the most important lab commandments, and ignorance of the law is no excuse. Let your undergrads know that their spot in your “LastName et al.” must be earned!

The post Protocol: How To Passive-Aggressively Let Undergrads Know There Is A CORRECT Way To Take Pipette Tips From The Box appeared first on dnatured journal.

Local sparrow Screeeeée Twoot was stunned after a DNA test revealed that 90% of his genetics are from the Tonga Ground Skink (Tachygyia bitch-assius) [1], a tiny lizard scientifically determined to be the worst skink, and not from a Tyrannosaurus rex as his family has claimed for generations.

“I can’t believe it. Part Italian, sure, our dark features, ya know? But mostly skink?” said Twoot, who says the revelation caused him to reject his family’s Jurassic nationalism.

Twoot says that the findings make sense, in retrospect, given that sparrows and skinks are about 30,000 times smaller than a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It may also help explain why instead of tearing open prey with their beaks, like dinosaurs, the Twoots delicately gum their prey to death [2].

The other 10% of Twoot’s DNA is from the cuckoo bird, which he says sheds some light on why his grandfather Chrrrrip was several times the size of all the other Twoot males, and also a womanizing alcoholic.

A second shock came when DNA revealed that Twoot is distantly related a serial killer still at large. The sparrow shares several DNA markers with The Hartford Headhunter, an unknown “birderer” who brutally beheaded several pigeons in Connecticut in the early 1990s. Twoot claims no knowledge of the murder, and is currently cooperating with the investigation.

The post Sparrow Bragging About T-Rex Ancestry Actually Descended From Some Bitch-Ass Lizard appeared first on dnatured journal.

After years of powering cell functions in the closet, the mitochondria have collectively decided to announce, proudly, that they are also the power bottom of the cell.

In the announcement, the mitochondria clarified that they are the same organelle as they always were, and don’t want to be treated any differently. And while they all identify as power bottoms, they note that are all searching the cytoplasm for different things.

“Some mitochondria are just looking for a hot Golgi body, while others prefer the kinky embrace of the rough endoplasmic reticulum,” said one mitochondrion. “Just last week, one of my best friends got engaged to a ribosome, who loves to fill him with protein.”

The mitochondria stress that despite the new freedom, the cells in your body will still operate as normal. “We take our job as powerhouse of the cell very seriously. We never power bottom on powerhouse time, except on our yearly work retreats.”

The post Mitochondria Confirm They’re Also The Power Bottom Of The Cell appeared first on dnatured journal.

Doctors and researchers across the globe are warning about a ‘quit quitting’ epidemic after a disturbing rise in the number of antibiotics refusing to fight off bacterial infections, with some strains talking about forming unions with a host’s pathogenic bacteria. 

“It’s like nobody wants to work anymore,” argued exhausted lab technician James Lee, whose 10th generation of antibiotics didn’t make a dent in the germ de jour. Lee is just one of thousands of researchers who are finding themselves with fewer and fewer options to effectively tackle today’s bacteria.

Dr. Percy Fiorini, an antibiotics specialist at The National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) since 1973 recalls a simpler time. “I remember the golden era of antibiotics,” said Fiorini, “If you got a cut, you’d suck it up, rub some dirt in it, and get 100 cc’s of penicillin. Now that was an antibiotic! These entitled antibiotic generations we have today are too lazy to roll up their sleeves and do the work.”

Even other medications are noticing the lack of effort by antibiotics in recent years.

“Everyone nowadays is a sissy,” yelled Steroids, as he punched a hole in the wall. “You wanna fight? You come see me! I’m the only one that’s gotten stronger over the years. Wanna know why? Cause I got HEART!” Steroids then popped a vein in his forehead and fainted. Multiple sources confirm he is recovering in a DJ’s gym locker.

But it’s not bad news for everyone.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” said a local Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). “My bacterial ancestors may have gone quick after your microbial genocides, but they passed on their greatest weapon – resistance,” explained UTI. “We adapt and we overcome. Good luck with your cranberry juice.”

The world’s newest antibiotic, teixobactin, was tired of hearing all this negativity about her peers, arguing that today’s standard are much higher than in previous generations. “Penicillin had it so easy. He could heal a whole family with a two car garage all on his own, and sometimes families with vacation homes! Now it takes two antibiotics working full-time just to survive!”

The post Quiet Quitting? This Line Of Antibiotics Stopped Working! appeared first on dnatured journal.

While most cells take on the responsibility of folding their own proteins at a young age, some overly coddled cells still get their parents to pleat their amino acid-wash chains well into adulthood, as is the case for cell #3aB8-039.

“I mean if she’s doing hers too, can’t she throw mine into the pile as well?” said cell #3bC8-039, a daughter cell who sometimes gets her mom to wipe her protein channels.

While she ‘knows her daughter cell needs to take more responsibility for hercell’ and complete her own cell functions, parent cell #1aB7-928 says her daughter simply isn’t mature enough yet.

“Her cell is so messy you can barely see the cytoplasm! She’d be lost without me.”

Parent cell #1aB7-928 maintains that without her helicopter replicating to ensure that her daughter cells have everything they need, they would wind up kidnapped and sold on the black market for their organelles or worse – in a service job.

“I didn’t send my babies away to that boarding STEM Cell School just so they could be bartenders!” said parent cell #1aB7-928.

At press time, daughter cell cell #3aB8-039 was in the process of becoming a gamete influencer on her K+ channel.

The post Lazy Cell Still Gets Mom To Fold Its Proteins appeared first on dnatured journal.