First-year engineering student Coral Gilmore, 17, was stunned after realizing she was required to use a 3D Sublimation Heat Press Machine, a device valued at 2.3 million dollars, on just her third day of class.

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile,” said Gilmore, nervously rotating an unmarked dial.

Gilmore says that although she understands the general concepts of sublimation, no one went over the specifics of the machine. Her professor promised that the TA would explain how to use it, but on the day of the lab, the TA assured them that it had been covered it in the professor’s lecture.

“All the pre-lab says is that if I compress the gas too quickly, everything will shatter,” said Gilmore. “I really hope they have insurance.”

Lab TA Malcolm Ellis remains unconcerned, having supervised this same lab five times this week.

“This lab is always scheduled during frosh week; we actually tell them the sticker price of the machine to sober them up,” explained Ellis. “They figure it out eventually.”

During the lab, Gilmore realized that this misplaced trust wasn’t actually new for her.

“I mean, the bank seems pretty confident loaning a small fortune to a teenager with no job history. Hopefully both will work out fine.”

The post 17-Year-Old Lab Student Somehow Trusted With Two-Million Dollar Machine appeared first on dnatured journal.

Dale Webber, a producer at the FOX Broadcasting Company, explains that a recent shipment of elaborate masks received by The Brooklyn Hospital Center were actually donations from the show The Masked Singer.

“Isn’t it great?” exclaims Webber. “Each of the costumes from the first season cost us about $175 000 to make, and we’re happy to put that back into the community. A team of 20 to 30 people take about two months to build each one, so we’re happy to save the hospitals that kind of time.” 

The staff of The Brooklyn Hospital Center are trying to be grateful, but some of them can’t hide their bewilderment. 

“We obviously weren’t going to spend two months making Emmy-award-winning masks,” says Marie Cao, a nurse who works in the ICU, “this feels more like a marketing gimmick for good press.” 

“Also, these masks won’t help anyone. You can barely see through them and they’re not even made from the correct materials. We need proper M95 masks, not foam monstrosities in the shape of rottweilers.” 

Other nurses had different, more specific problems with the masks.

“I don’t want to see the pineapple mask that Tommy Chong used in Season One. That loser was the second singer to get voted out. They could’ve AT LEAST given us Joey Fatone’s rabbit costume.”

It might not be appreciated, but other shows have come forward saying that they might also have props that the hospitals could use. “We didn’t realize people wanted them,” said a representative from NBC. “Since hearing about this, we’ve sent out hundreds of fish from The Deadliest Catch and tons of leftover botox from The Real Housewives.” 

The post Aww! FOX Just Donated Millions Of “The Masked Singer” Costumes To Some Confused Hospital Staff appeared first on dnatured journal.

Epidemiologists have warned that one of the most disastrous results of the COVID-19 pandemic is the unavoidable orgy that will occur as soon as people are allowed within six feet of each other.

“Everyone is so ‘horned-up,’ which is actually the technical term, that it’s beyond even our most dire orgy predictions,” said Parker Mitschke at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. “There’s a horned-up threshold, and we blew past it two weeks in. We’re now at a stage that orgidemiologists call ‘a-woo-ga.’

Mitschke says that, even in the most optimistic models, the orgy will affect both individuals and businesses, but hardest hit will be nightclubs, sex shops, and your parent’s bed, which scientists expect to experience a 90% increase in naked, throbbing bodies.”

“We’re concerned that we won’t be able to meet demands,” said Robert James, who owns Cum To My Weindow, a local sex toy shop. “As soon as the social distancing orders are lifted, I expect to feel the stampede of lusty maniacs shake the building. We won’t have the security measures in place to stop them from breaking in and having sex right here in the store.”

“The worst part is that the longer the self-isolation continues, the wilder the orgy will become,” Mitschke continues. “The resulting sex fumes might be enough to block out the sun.”

Unfortunately, all we can do is wait and see and hope for the best. According to Mitschke, “we’re hoping it will be the craziest orgy since that one from Eyes Wide Shut with all the masks, and no crazier.”

The post Scientists Fear That Society Is Unprepared For Imminent Post-Covid-19 Orgy appeared first on dnatured journal.

Brady Chen, a zoologist at Ocean Park in Hong Kong, is taking credit for the long-awaited mating of pandas in captivity, saying that what finally got them sexually stimulated was his Spotify Playlist named “Songs To Smash To.”

The pandas, Ying Ying and Le Le, finally mated after 10 years of celibacy, which many experts are attributing to the lack of visitors due to the novel coronavirus pandemic. But Chen respectfully disagrees.

“I’m tellin’ ya bros, it works for me every time,” he exclaimed, going up for a high-five. “My last four bangs were from this playlist alone. Thanks to this playlist, I’ve been banging harder than Neil Peart on the drums.”

He explained that Neil Peart is certainly featured on the playlist, which also includes “Tell Me” by Usher, “Rockstar” by Nickelback, and seemingly out of nowhere, “Zorba The Greek” by Herb Albert.

“That Herb Albert song gets pretty fast, bro” explains Chad. “When you get going, it can speed out of control. Because of that song, I’ve broken three different futons.”

Other employees from the zoo are baffled. “I mean if it was due to the lack of human presence or Brady’s playlist, we’ll never know.” says Llana Zhao, a fellow zoologist. “But if it means a cute little panda baby next year, I’m all for it.”

The post Zoologist Takes Credit For Pandas Mating After Playing Them His “Songs To Smash To” Playlist appeared first on dnatured journal.

After being visibly “blue” every 2-3 years, Earth’s moon, known by her Roman name Luna, has been finally been convinced by friends to go to therapy.

“Astronomers used to just think it was a timing thing,” explains astrophysicist Dr. Coral McMillan, “but when we finally got to visit the moon starting in the 60s, we noticed that she was always a bit down in the dumps about her craters or that we shot a dog into space.” 

“And it’s like yeah, it’s sad, but not like ‘forty years’ sad,” continued Dr. McMillan. “That’s when we got the Canadarm to hand her a referral for some sliding scale therapy.”

When we talked to the Moon, she obviously had a lot to say, mainly about her tumultuous relationship with her father, the Earth. “It’s not a coincidence that I never turn my back to the Earth, it’s a trust issue!” explains Luna. “And then just when I think I’m my own person, Earth comes along and plunges me straight into darkness. You call it a Lunar Eclipse, but it’s just my dad overshadowing me yet AGAIN.”

The moon says her first session went well and that she now has some insights into handling her absentee father and how her moods depend on where she is in her cycle.

The post Friends Encourage Blue Moon To Seek Therapy appeared first on dnatured journal.

Today’s the day, the results of your experiment are finally about to reveal themselves, but you’ve got nothing to say! “Eureka” has already been taken by… that guy, so here are ten other options for you!

“Boomshakalaka!”

Anyone who ever played NBA Jam will be so impressed with you. It’s possible someone will even follow it up by shouting “from downtown!” or “he’s on fire!”

“Werf It!”

You’ve been in that lab for a while, you’ll want people to know it was all “werf it!”

“Yabba-dabba-doo!”

This one’s great if your experiment had something to do with rocks. It’s ESPECIALLY good if you can then immediately jump out the window and slide down a dinosaur.

“Bazinga!”

Modern day nerds will love this one! The only problem is that you’ll need to keep saying it for twelve more years.

“Cowabunga!”

Another great one for 90s kids. If your experiment involved turtles, it would be illegal NOT to use it.

“In your face, Dad!”

This one might just come out naturally. If you DO use it, perhaps you should think about going to a therapist. 

“OhPleaseGodLetThisWorkMyFamilyHasntSeenMeInWeeks!”

Yeah… yeah you’ve been working too hard. 

“Ta-Da!”

Hey, it works for magicians!

“Olé!”

Hey, it works for Spanish magicians!

“You-reek-a!”

This one’s great because people will think you’re stealing an old classic, until they figure out that you’ve insulted them. 

The post Eureka? Top 10 Things To Exclaim When You’ve Made A Scientific Discovery! appeared first on dnatured journal.

A seventh grade science class, led by Lisa Wallace of  Our Holy Heart Middle School, has finally returned back to normal several months after a student said “orgasm” in place of the word “organism.”

“We were just starting a unit on biology that was supposed to take three weeks, but as soon as Adam said ‘orgasm’, we had to push everything back,” explains Wallace. “That was, what, two months ago? The students just returned to school yesterday.”

Adam Sullivan, the guilty student, claims it was an accident. “Since we don’t have sex ed at Catholic school, I learned about the word after my dad left his naughty site on the computer,” said Sullivan. “Since then I’ve just got orgasms on the brain!” After the interview, he was quickly ushered out of the school while he continued to shout about orgasms.

“It’s a simple mistake, but I really hope this stops happening” says Wallace. “I can’t keep losing full months of teaching. Last time this happened, we were studying nutrition and one of the questions in the Question Box was ‘Does Homo Milk come from Gay Cows?’”

Wallace fears that with continued disruptions, the students may never know the true meaning of photosynthesis.

The post Classroom Order Finally Restored Three Months After Student Confuses The Words “Organism” And “Orgasm” appeared first on dnatured journal.

Computer engineers from Samsung, pressured by corporate to create a top-selling computer chip, recently revealed the new SpicyCHIP 4512, the first integrated circuit made from silicon and sriracha that can function as both a potato chip and computer chip.

The chips come as welcome relief for programmers world-wide who get desperately hungry after the standard 16 straight days of overtime work.

“We’re very excited about this” said Brandon Doherty of Samsung Electronics, as he opened up his motherboard and offered us a snack. “It’s about time this was invented. When people were talking about ‘chips,’ I always thought people WERE referring to potato chips. It’s nice to know that now I have a computer full of them when I finish work at 3 in the morning and everything is closed.”

“It was a race to first, and they beat us there,” said Corey Yeats of Pringles. “All of our prototypes were too curved and too difficult to reach from the bottom of the can. Also, the oils from the chips caused more real fires than actual computing processes.” 

Samsung says the chips are available at Best Buy for $12.99 and at CostCo for $3.99 per bag.

The post Hungry, Overworked Electronics Engineers Invent New ‘Flamin’ Hot’ Computer Chips appeared first on dnatured journal.

Scientists are celebrating after recording a temperature lower than absolute zero, centralized entirely on the shoulder of Lindsay Moynihan, the long-suffering girlfriend of heedless Brian Wells. Scientists came into the home of Moynihan and Wells after he left his socks scattered throughout the apartment for the 4th time that week. The researchers were stunned when after taken on Lindsay’s cold shoulder sunk as low as -300°C, nearly 27 degrees below absolute zero.

“At absolute zero, matter is at its point of lowest internal energy” explained Dr. Benjamin Tucker, an expert in thermodynamics. “But as temperatures sink below absolute zero, we can only assume that matter actually breaks down, which is what we’ve been seeing in Brian. That guy is clearly breaking down.”

“I have no idea what it is that I did!” explained Wells. “Come to think of it, it actually got colder when all the scientists came into the house. So she clearly hated it. But I begged everyone to take off their shoes cause it mud was trailing into the house. I knew it was only going to get more freezing in there.”

Brian estimates that due to his girlfriends sub-zero shoulder, their heating bill has increased about 5,000%.

Lindsay refused to comment in person, and actually refused to show her face at all, saying “if none of you know what you did wrong, I’m certainly not going to be the one who tells you.”

The post Scientists Record Lowest Ever Temperature On Angry Girlfriend’s Cold Shoulder appeared first on dnatured journal.

The overflowing Dandy Hollow chemical landfill has caused quite a stir among environmentalists this week when a sound came out from the waste that scientists say was undeniably a “belch,” followed by the waste site apologizing for being so rude.

“We’re extremely alarmed. Gas formation is one of the first signs of sentient life,” said Dr. Mason Wetterlund.

A groaning noise was heard at 4:21pm on Monday, and filled the air with what one witness described as “raunchy shwarma fumes.”

“Call it what you want,” says Dr. Cora Gilmore, a biologist who studies the origins of life, “a belch, a burp, a yak, a mouth-fart. If we’re feeding landfills so much hazardous chemical waste that they’re coming to life, our environmental policies need to change.”

Still, there are still climate-change deniers who don’t seem to be taking the warning seriously. “So what, I do that all the time. I, for one, think it’s cute, our old chemicals are imitating us and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” said Benjamin Tucker, a local. “Have you ever seen a baby fart? It’s hilarious. And then the baby smiles cause everyone around is laughing? Think of it like that!”

The local government claims that they’re keeping an eye on it, but it isn’t yet a legitimate cause to instigate policy. “We’ve asked the people at Dandy Hollow to monitor it, and to call us as soon as it pukes acid.”

The post Environmentalists Terrified After Abandoned Chemical Waste Site Audibly Belches, Then Apologizes appeared first on dnatured journal.