Environmentalists Terrified After Abandoned Chemical Waste Site Audibly Belches, Then Apologizes

Hallworth, M. et al.

The overflowing Dandy Hollow chemical landfill has caused quite a stir among environmentalists this week when a sound came out from the waste that scientists say was undeniably a “belch,” followed by the waste site apologizing for being so rude.

“We’re extremely alarmed. Gas formation is one of the first signs of sentient life,” said Dr. Mason Wetterlund.

A groaning noise was heard at 4:21pm on Monday, and filled the air with what one witness described as “raunchy shwarma fumes.”

“Call it what you want,” says Dr. Cora Gilmore, a biologist who studies the origins of life, “a belch, a burp, a yak, a mouth-fart. If we’re feeding landfills so much hazardous chemical waste that they’re coming to life, our environmental policies need to change.”

Still, there are still climate-change deniers who don’t seem to be taking the warning seriously. “So what, I do that all the time. I, for one, think it’s cute, our old chemicals are imitating us and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” said Benjamin Tucker, a local. “Have you ever seen a baby fart? It’s hilarious. And then the baby smiles cause everyone around is laughing? Think of it like that!”

The local government claims that they’re keeping an eye on it, but it isn’t yet a legitimate cause to instigate policy. “We’ve asked the people at Dandy Hollow to monitor it, and to call us as soon as it pukes acid.”

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Marc Hallworth

Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”

About Marc Hallworth 14 Articles
Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”