Scientists Record Lowest Ever Temperature On Angry Girlfriend’s Cold Shoulder

Hallworth, M. et al.

Scientists are celebrating after recording a temperature lower than absolute zero, centralized entirely on the shoulder of Lindsay Moynihan, the long-suffering girlfriend of heedless Brian Wells. Scientists came into the home of Moynihan and Wells after he left his socks scattered throughout the apartment for the 4th time that week. The researchers were stunned when after taken on Lindsay’s cold shoulder sunk as low as -300°C, nearly 27 degrees below absolute zero.

“At absolute zero, matter is at its point of lowest internal energy” explained Dr. Benjamin Tucker, an expert in thermodynamics. “But as temperatures sink below absolute zero, we can only assume that matter actually breaks down, which is what we’ve been seeing in Brian. That guy is clearly breaking down.”

“I have no idea what it is that I did!” explained Wells. “Come to think of it, it actually got colder when all the scientists came into the house. So she clearly hated it. But I begged everyone to take off their shoes cause it mud was trailing into the house. I knew it was only going to get more freezing in there.”

Brian estimates that due to his girlfriends sub-zero shoulder, their heating bill has increased about 5,000%.

Lindsay refused to comment in person, and actually refused to show her face at all, saying “if none of you know what you did wrong, I’m certainly not going to be the one who tells you.”

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Marc Hallworth

Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”

About Marc Hallworth 14 Articles
Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”