Scientists Fear That Society Is Unprepared For Imminent Post-Covid-19 Orgy

Hallworth, M., et al

Epidemiologists have warned that one of the most disastrous results of the COVID-19 pandemic is the unavoidable orgy that will occur as soon as people are allowed within six feet of each other.

“Everyone is so ‘horned-up,’ which is actually the technical term, that it’s beyond even our most dire orgy predictions,” said Parker Mitschke at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. “There’s a horned-up threshold, and we blew past it two weeks in. We’re now at a stage that orgidemiologists call ‘a-woo-ga.’

Mitschke says that, even in the most optimistic models, the orgy will affect both individuals and businesses, but hardest hit will be nightclubs, sex shops, and your parent’s bed, which scientists expect to experience a 90% increase in naked, throbbing bodies.”

“We’re concerned that we won’t be able to meet demands,” said Robert James, who owns Cum To My Weindow, a local sex toy shop. “As soon as the social distancing orders are lifted, I expect to feel the stampede of lusty maniacs shake the building. We won’t have the security measures in place to stop them from breaking in and having sex right here in the store.”

“The worst part is that the longer the self-isolation continues, the wilder the orgy will become,” Mitschke continues. “The resulting sex fumes might be enough to block out the sun.”

Unfortunately, all we can do is wait and see and hope for the best. According to Mitschke, “we’re hoping it will be the craziest orgy since that one from Eyes Wide Shut with all the masks, and no crazier.”

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Marc Hallworth

Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”

About Marc Hallworth 20 Articles
Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”