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The post “You’re 1 PPM” Says Scientist Trying To Compliment Partner appeared first on dnatured journal.

The mighty centrifuge, with its lid ajar inviting samples to enter (at their own risk)…? The mysterious incubator that hasn’t hit the temperature right since your lab tech left…? If you’ve ever wondered which piece of lab equipment you are, take this quiz to find out! 

QUESTIONS

1. How would you describe your communication style?

• A. My way or the highway
• B. Everything should be laid out clearly; I’d rather talk than let issues simmer
• C. Avoidant 
• D. Not sure 
• E. I just want everyone to be happy, so I don’t always say what I need

2. What’s your ideal Saturday afternoon?

• A. Crushing my to-do list, even if it includes changing cell culture media 
• B. 10 mile hike, brunch with a friend, errands, then flow-state at a cafe 
• C. Wake up whenever and vibe
• D. Going to lab “for just a couple hours”
• E. Baking for my friends 

3. Which gift would you be thrilled to receive?

• A. Something from my carefully curated wish list
• B. A really nice planner
• C. Honestly, anything is amazing 
• D. An avocado, the bigger the better 
• E. Multiple tickets to a show so I can invite some others

4. Best lab duty chore?

• A. They’re all fine, but only if done properly 
• B. Restocking the pipette tips in perfect rows
• C. None of them, thanks
• D. Cleaning everything until it squeaks
• E. Helping someone else with their experiments

5. What’s your biggest fear? 

• A. Someone else digging through my stuff
• B. Missing an appointment I booked weeks in advance
• C. My favorite game going missing 
• D. Forgetting everything 
• E. Losing my loved ones
  

RESULTS

Mostly A’s: Centrifuge

Picky and precise, you like things done your way. You’re the mediator who keeps friend groups in balance, but if one person is acting “off,” you spin in circles about it for days. When life feels slightly unbalanced, you go straight to 14,000 rpm instead of having a calm conversation. That’s why keeping your “lid” open when communicating is important.

Mostly B’s: Confocal Microscope

You are the high-maintenance friend, but in the best possible way. You live by your calendar that gets booked up weeks in advance, and require very specific conditions to function: whether that be low light with at least three alignment steps, or your favorite coffee every morning. You struggle with “big picture: stuff” because you’re busy zooming in on every tiny issue at 60X. 

Mostly C’s: 10 uL pipette

Often overlooked, rarely invited, and chronically underestimated. You “go with the flow” a little too much– like starting to get ready for a concert approximately when doors open. People might get frustrated with you, but when something delicate really matters, you’re the only one detail-oriented enough to handle it.

Mostly D’s: Weighing Scale

You’re not always wrong; you just feel wrong and doubt yourself too much. You overthink every decision, re-weigh every plan, and still suspect that you’re off by 0.01. People trust your judgement more than you think, so it’s okay to finally stop taring and commit.

Mostly E’s: Water Bath

You’re the mom friend: warm, comforting, and always making sure everyone else is okay. You bring snacks, tickets, baked goods, and emotional support. But if your own needs aren’t met, you can go from a “gentle 37 C” to overheating surprisingly fast. Despite being easily overstimulated, you still insist on taking care of everyone.

The post QUIZ: Which Piece of Lab Equipment Are You? appeared first on dnatured journal.

Graduate students across the country are rejoicing now that they have received the eagerly anticipated reagent rite-Bio 2.0, a fluorescent antibody from biotech materials company Alpha Beta Phi Inc that offers the same dimness as its 1.0 predecessor at a markedly higher price. 

“I haven’t gotten anything in the mail except bills in months,” says graduate student Aisha Khan, “so even if the biomarker doesn’t help my research one bit, at least I have some new ice packs from the shipments.” 

One lab manager, who prefers to remain anonymous, is happy with the high sticker price of the new antibody, since he’s been siphoning rewards points from lab credit card purchases over the last several years. 

“This biomarker hasn’t improved my research images at all, but it has doubled my rewards points,” said the lab manager ecstatically.  “I might be able to afford that $200 flight to visit my sister soon,” he said. “I’m… probably not coming back.”

UPDATE: There has been a recall on Brite-Bio 2.0 as one laboratory group discovers it has a life-saving function in various terrible diseases, leading to the product’s use becoming proprietary because, well, they’re going to cash in on this. You thought this was about science and seeking truth toward a better world?

The post Whoa! This New Fluorescent Antibody Is Just As Dim As The Previous One, But Twice As Expensive! appeared first on dnatured journal.

First-year engineering student Coral Gilmore, 17, was stunned after realizing she was required to use a 3D Sublimation Heat Press Machine, a device valued at 2.3 million dollars, on just her third day of class.

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile,” said Gilmore, nervously rotating an unmarked dial.

Gilmore says that although she understands the general concepts of sublimation, no one went over the specifics of the machine. Her professor promised that the TA would explain how to use it, but on the day of the lab, the TA assured them that it had been covered it in the professor’s lecture.

“All the pre-lab says is that if I compress the gas too quickly, everything will shatter,” said Gilmore. “I really hope they have insurance.”

Lab TA Malcolm Ellis remains unconcerned, having supervised this same lab five times this week.

“This lab is always scheduled during frosh week; we actually tell them the sticker price of the machine to sober them up,” explained Ellis. “They figure it out eventually.”

During the lab, Gilmore realized that this misplaced trust wasn’t actually new for her.

“I mean, the bank seems pretty confident loaning a small fortune to a teenager with no job history. Hopefully both will work out fine.”

The post 17-Year-Old Lab Student Somehow Trusted With Two-Million Dollar Machine appeared first on dnatured journal.

Local reports suggest that a senior lab technician claimed that personal protective equipment is unnecessary to a junior lab technician. Asked to elaborate, the senior tech passionately proclaimed that lab coats, goggles, and other protective gear are uncomfortable and unnecessary.

“We don’t really work with anything too dangerous,” said the tech. “Maybe a few viral CRISPR-Cas9 constructs, some of your standard acids and bases, phenol-chloroform solutions and maybe you’ll run across some sodium azide every once in a while. No big deal. As long as you know what you’re doing, none of that stuff is gonna kill you.” 

Responding to inquiries about the scars on his arms, the lab tech peeled off his gloves and started pointing each of them out, describing how he got them. 

“Yeah, this one is from when I spilled hydrochloric acid on myself. Pretty gnarly. Ate right through the gloves I was wearing. This one is from a mouse, back when we were working with some rabies virus. I got the shots though, so everything’s fine. I’m not sure what this one is, but it’s probably another chemical burn. This one is from a cryostat blade, because I forgot to lock the wheel before removing my sample. The good news is the sample was fine. This one’s another chemical burn, I’m pretty sure this one is from broken glass that I tried to pick up, and this one’s another chemical burn.” 

“Honestly, there are a ton you can’t see, because sometimes I’ll spill something or drop something in my lap. I don’t want to share too much information, but it’s…. not pretty, and I’m probably infertile now.” 

“I’m also pretty sure I transduced myself at some point, because I’m expressing green fluorescent protein now. I can’t go into a room if it’s got a 488 nm laser on, or I’ll blind everyone with the fluorescence. Speaking from experience. The good news is that my doctor wants to write a case report on my GFP expression, so I get to contribute to science at the bench and at the bedside.”

When it was pointed out that nearly all of these injuries could be avoided by following standard operating protocols and wearing protective gear, the lab tech shrugged. “Yeah, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”

The post PPE “Kinda Optional” In This Lab Reports Scarred, Fluorescent Lab Technician appeared first on dnatured journal.

Undergraduate Lairimy Dunderson decided to show initiative last week by cleaning the chemistry lab in hopes of securing a graduate position in the department. After taking an unmarked bottle of clear liquid off of the shelf, he noticed that the archaic precursor to parafilm used to cap the bottle had dissolved, and the bottle was leaking all over his hands.

“It’s definitely burning,” said Lairimy, “which is clearly the chemical breaking down the phosphate bonds in the lipid bilayer which makes up my skin cells,” he added, looking hopefully at the lab manager.

Dunderson later suggested that the liquid was not water as its initial appearance suggested, but rather a type of strong acid.

“Most people are familiar with the term chemical burn, but actually the burn often doesn’t involve any actual heat,” proclaimed Dunderson, loudly, regarding the incident. “When asked to clean the lab, I figured that they must really trust me since there are some really volatile and dangerous things in that area, stuff you really need to know what you’re doing to properly handle,” he looked at his stinging red palms and quickly added, “…but even the best of us make mistakes.”

When asked about the incident the lab manager had this to say, “That bottle is one of the most ancient and powerful relics of this university. Legend says that it was left over from Linus Pauling’s doctoral work and that whosoever could separate the crystalline solids from that solution is destined to be the head of the chemistry department. And I specifically told him not to touch it! This is why we don’t usually let undergrads in our lab.”

The post Unlabeled Bottle in Chemistry Lab “Definitely Acid of Some Kind” According to Undergrad Whose Hands Are Burning appeared first on dnatured journal.

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The post Oops! School’s Periodic Table Is Missing All The Newly Discovered Elements And Also Important Ones Like Carbon appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rare joint statement from the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC) and the newly-formed graduate student union set new guidelines for humane endpoints for graduate students. Graduate students who are overworked, underpaid or ‘just really not feeling it right now’ are eligible for humane euthanasia upon approval of their academic advisor and thesis committee. 

The Dean of Graduate Studies welcomed this new agreement. “These guidelines will help reduce suffering at our institution and improve the metrics of well-being of our student body.” 

One graduate student expressed relief at the landmark agreement. “The Graduate Student Union really allowed us to advocate for ourselves in an organized way to improve our conditions. We’re immensely grateful for the support of IACUC and their dedication to reducing suffering in University labs, from mice to Ph.D. students. I’m so excited that I can finally stop recapping euthanasia needles.” 

However, these changes to IACUC’s welfare faced significant pushback. Some principal investigators have raised concerns about the potential reduction in the pool of labor that they can exploit. One tenured professor, speaking anonymously, shared his views. “Just because graduate students think they have an out with humane euthanasia, doesn’t mean that I’ll allow it. Not before the data is analyzed and generated and I’ll be damned if I’m doing that myself. After the project is done, the paper gets accepted, then they can go ahead. Kids these days just don’t want to work.” 

Some postdoctoral fellows have reportedly expressed interest in the program as well, citing rising living costs, stagnant wages, and similar welfare concerns. However, any broader applications of these welfare guidelines will face massive institutional resistance if the university anticipates a reduction in its exploitable workforce.

The post Institutional Animal Welfare Group Proposes Humane Endpoints for Ph.D. Students appeared first on dnatured journal.

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The post Grad Student Desperate To Finish Experiments Smuggles Electron Microscope Home appeared first on dnatured journal.

1. Any idea when things will stop spinning?

a. When I graduate??

b. 10 minutes.

2. How often do you leave the lab?

a. On occasion!

b. Literally never.

3. How many miniprep spin columns can you hold at once?

a. Maybe 8 or so.

b. 24, no problem.

4. How many first author publications do you have?

a. Zero, but I swear I’ll get one some day!!!

b. Also zero

5. How do you feel when the PI comes looking for you?

a. YIKES.

b. I keep my cool!

6. How many years have you been part of the lab?

a. 5

b. 20, NBD

7. What sound do you make when you feel off balance?

a. None?

b. Clank clunk boom CRASH.

RESULTS

Mostly As: Uh, oh. You are in fact a grad student, and the times are tough. Hang in there! You’ll get down to 0 rpm one day

Mostly Bs: You are either a wicked chill grad student or, more likely, a centrifuge. Things may be swirling around you, but it’s all good – that’s your job! Keep up the good work.

The post QUIZ: Are You A Centrifuge, Or Are You Just A Grad Student Whose Life Is Spinning Out Of Control?? appeared first on dnatured journal.