After a landmark investigation into their funding sources, MoTech Labs Ltd has been accused of cashing in on life insurance policies purchased on their lab rats in order to afford equipment and executive bonuses. 

“Suspicion was raised after the organization had enough PPE and beakers to run like a normal, functioning lab,” said lead detective Arnold Harrison. “Also, they replaced all their lab coats with fur coats. That was a pretty big red flag.”

But what really broke the case? Investigating the insurance policies themselves. 

“All the paperwork was all filed under names such as ‘Charles E. Cheese,’ ‘Mr. Rat, Esquire,’ and ‘Lab Rat #37,’” explained Harrison. “And in each case, the cause of death was listed as “given cancer to see what that does to a rat.”

It was even revealed that MoTech Labs altered experiments to ensure higher insurance payouts. After discovering that accident payouts are higher than those for illness related deaths, the scientists started researching questions such as “Can Rats Base Jump?”, “Can Rats Breathe Underwater?”, “What Happens To Rat Societies When We Give Them Little Guns?”, and “Will Hungry Chimpanzees Be Nice To Rats?” 

The final straw was when the lab privately announced that they had exchanged all their glass beakers for solid gold beakers. “It doesn’t even make sense” said Dr.Gupta, a chemist consulting on the case. “Gold isn’t a good beaker material. Your results would be confusing and terrible.”

When contacted by DNAtured, the head of MoTech Labs, wearing Swarovski crystal lab gloves, screamed “don’t ever ask me about my business. Don’t EVER ask me about my business.”

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After many late nights, thousands of dollars in grant money, and enough takeout to sustain a dynasty of racoons, we are very proud to see that you’ve discovered pretty much nothing at all!

In academia, we explore the uncharted territory of scientific knowledge, and you happened to zero in on a gigantic abyss of nothingness. Welcome!

Who knew? Sometimes having a sound hypothesis, flawless experimental design, and relentless motivation is no match for the fact that sometimes, science just kicks you in the cranium! You probably wish that was in the grad school pamphlet, huh?

In related news, your diet of mostly salt & vinegar chips has given you a persistent but extremely large rash [1]. Perhaps you can study the link on that next?

To be fair, you didn’t discover ‘nothing,’ not exactly. You discovered that ignoring your partner for six months to focus on that “world-shattering” experiment, will absolutely cause them to leave you [2]!

Despite your certainty in these new sad findings, your project supervisor has refused publish those results, and says that if you insist on doing so it must be done “on your own time.”

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While most cells take on the responsibility of folding their own proteins at a young age, some overly coddled cells still get their parents to pleat their amino acid-wash chains well into adulthood, as is the case for cell #3aB8-039.

“I mean if she’s doing hers too, can’t she throw mine into the pile as well?” said cell #3bC8-039, a daughter cell who sometimes gets her mom to wipe her protein channels.

While she ‘knows her daughter cell needs to take more responsibility for hercell’ and complete her own cell functions, parent cell #1aB7-928 says her daughter simply isn’t mature enough yet.

“Her cell is so messy you can barely see the cytoplasm! She’d be lost without me.”

Parent cell #1aB7-928 maintains that without her helicopter replicating to ensure that her daughter cells have everything they need, they would wind up kidnapped and sold on the black market for their organelles or worse – in a service job.

“I didn’t send my babies away to that boarding STEM Cell School just so they could be bartenders!” said parent cell #1aB7-928.

At press time, daughter cell cell #3aB8-039 was in the process of becoming a gamete influencer on her K+ channel.

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Rats In A Maze

A tried and true classic! Test the intelligence of a group of rats by having them run a maze in order to achieve a cheese reward! All you’ll need is some cheese, rats from the pet store, and some cardboard to construct the maze. Unfortunately, you’ve underestimated the rats desire to escape, so they will quickly chew through the cardboard and dash off into your house. Guess they are pretty smart after all!

Testing Human Reaction Time: Can You Catch A Rat?

So the rats are loose, who cares? This is an opportunity for you to put yourself in an experiment, and see if you’re quick enough to get these rats out of your house by yourself. You’ll want gloves, but you won’t have any because you normally just steal them from the lab, so you’re going to raw dog this. But when you finally catch one after hours of hunting it will bite you and you will get sick. Despite the three days of fever and hallucination you will undergo, you will proudly record that humans are quicker than rats.

Creating A Bioweapon To Eliminate Rats

You get some rat blood and try to perform a PCR on various sections of rat DNA in order to create a targeted virus to destroy the rat community that’s becoming increasingly more comfortable in your house. After running it a number of times in a very literal water bath you created in your tub, you think you’ve found a vulnerability, and set to work creating your virus. You will quickly figure out that, due to the presence of your own DNA in the tub, you’ve only succeeded in creating a virus that targets you. By the time you realize this, however, you will be in the middle of more fevers and hallucinations. It seems the virus you synthesized is the same one you had before. Wow! Nature is wild!

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Becoming A Rat

You’ve exhausted all options, and the rats have only increased in number. The entire community has a combined mass that is ten times your own, and you think they’re beginning to realize that. Time to switch teams! This experiment we’re not actually sure how to conduct, but if you figure it out, please let us know, as our apartments are now all mostly rats, and we can’t find Sarah. 

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Working from home can be tough on any profession, but scientists who have grown accustomed to the rush of spilling carcinogens on their exposed body parts are getting hit particularly hard during quarantine. If you find yourself craving the thrill of Kim wiping solvents off your bare skin, here are four toxic reagents that can soothe your wild side.

Acetone

This little skin irritant isn’t very dangerous, but it doesn’t need to be! Grab a bottle of old nail polish remover, or paint cleaner and get spillin’! As soon as the itching starts, you’ll be flooded with the familiar thoughts, like “How did I spill this on myself? I have a damn Master’s degree!” and “I should’ve gone to trade school.”

Dichloromethane

A throwback to 2nd year undergrad, you probably used this reagent to remove caffeine from coffee, but did you know it can ALSO remove your ability to not have cancer? And get this: it’s also sometimes in paint thinner! Wow, paint really has all the good stuff!

Grab a can from a rundown hardware shop, spill just a little bit on yourself (DCM is quite carcinogenic), and then spend all day in heart-wrenching anxiety, wondering if you should update your will.

Mercuric Chloride

Craving something a little more toxic? Good ‘ol hydrargyrum is a great one, if you can get your hands on some of it! It used to be a cure for syphilis, so simply get a prescription from any doctor from 1922.

More toxic than a popular high school girl, mercuric chloride will put you right back in the lab. Literally! This substance is so corrosive that if you get any on you, they’ll probably take you straight to a lab instead of a hospital. Perfect for if you’re tired of having syphilis but also tired of NOT having a skeleton hand!

Dimethylmercury

With an jawdropping LD50 of 0.1 mL, (CH­3)2Hg is the cream of the deadly crop! We don’t know how you got your hands on such a dangerously toxic substance, but good on ya! If you’re looking to recreate the feeling of making a life-altering mistake while working on a project you do not care about, look no further.

Due to it’s high vapour pressure, you don’t even have to spill this one, just open up a bottle and let the neurotoxic fumes do their work. Is that nostalgia you smell? No! It’s your nervous system shutting down!

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Oh wow! This is a huge bummer, man. David Trainor has this freakin’ cool article about peptide bonding, but he can’t get that darn thing published cause the guy’s got no peers. Not one peer. Absolutely nada if you can believe it! Sure, David has been lonely spending all his waking hours in the lab, but now he’s also super unsuccessful due to it. Yikes!

Trainor’s incredible paper might’ve changed everything, but in his pursuit of peptide binds, he tragically forgot to form real ones. Nobody’s gonna see that paper, fella :(. You’re cheesed. Screwed! You’re SOL, you poor SOB.

“I always thought peers meant like, colleagues, or even just strangers who happened to be in your field,” said David, “but there’s a space on this submission form to list a ‘Best Friend’. What do I put down? My microscope? My key card to the lab? I haven’t talked to anyone besides an amino acid solution in like four years.”

In other news, Dr. Jerry Popular, M.D., Ph.D., J.D., who coincidentally happens to be very well liked, is getting papers published everyday like BLAMMO! It’s easy for him, because he’s got so many peers. Peer city? Yeah, he’d be the mayor.

Looks like you should’ve been more like Jerry Popular, David! 

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