Feeling Lab Nostalgia? Here Are Four Toxic Reagents You Can Spill On Yourself From Home!

Singh, A. et al.

Working from home can be tough on any profession, but scientists who have grown accustomed to the rush of spilling carcinogens on their exposed body parts are getting hit particularly hard during quarantine. If you find yourself craving the thrill of Kim wiping solvents off your bare skin, here are four toxic reagents that can soothe your wild side.

Acetone

This little skin irritant isn’t very dangerous, but it doesn’t need to be! Grab a bottle of old nail polish remover, or paint cleaner and get spillin’! As soon as the itching starts, you’ll be flooded with the familiar thoughts, like “How did I spill this on myself? I have a damn Master’s degree!” and “I should’ve gone to trade school.”

Dichloromethane

A throwback to 2nd year undergrad, you probably used this reagent to remove caffeine from coffee, but did you know it can ALSO remove your ability to not have cancer? And get this: it’s also sometimes in paint thinner! Wow, paint really has all the good stuff!

Grab a can from a rundown hardware shop, spill just a little bit on yourself (DCM is quite carcinogenic), and then spend all day in heart-wrenching anxiety, wondering if you should update your will.

Mercuric Chloride

Craving something a little more toxic? Good ‘ol hydrargyrum is a great one, if you can get your hands on some of it! It used to be a cure for syphilis, so simply get a prescription from any doctor from 1922.

More toxic than a popular high school girl, mercuric chloride will put you right back in the lab. Literally! This substance is so corrosive that if you get any on you, they’ll probably take you straight to a lab instead of a hospital. Perfect for if you’re tired of having syphilis but also tired of NOT having a skeleton hand!

Dimethylmercury

With an jawdropping LD50 of 0.1 mL, (CH­3)2Hg is the cream of the deadly crop! We don’t know how you got your hands on such a dangerously toxic substance, but good on ya! If you’re looking to recreate the feeling of making a life-altering mistake while working on a project you do not care about, look no further.

Due to it’s high vapour pressure, you don’t even have to spill this one, just open up a bottle and let the neurotoxic fumes do their work. Is that nostalgia you smell? No! It’s your nervous system shutting down!

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About Author

Amar Singh

Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!

About Amar Singh 18 Articles
Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!