Researchers at ____________[a prestigious university] have discovered a link between _____________ [your favorite thing, activity or food] and _______________ [the most terrible thing you can think of], a discovery that could revolutionize the field of ________________ [any noun] _____________ [a science].

Scientists had long suspected that ________-ing [verb] a __________ [noun] with a _______________ [noun] could produce an increase in ____________ [bodily function] but the ___ [number] percent increase seen in this experiment was unprecedented [1].

“The results are truly unbelievable” said Dr. ___________ [cartoon character] who led the team.

“At first the data had us scratching our ___________ [body part, plural] and shaking our ___________ [body part, plural]. But once we realized what we had, everyone was jumping up and down like a _________ [animal] in a __________ [place that isn’t Denny’s] on _________ [holiday].”

For those not familiar with ___________ [your favorite thing, activity or food], the results can be a little counterintuitive, but you can think of it like this: Imagine you have a/n ____________ [object] that you are _________-ing [verb] while you ____________ [verb]. If you then ________ [adverb] ______ [verb] the ____________ [same object] while simultaneously _________-ing [verb] you would obviously expect to see an increase in __________ [an embarrassing habit]. But if you were to reverse it and ____________ [adverb] _________ [verb] the ______________ [noun] without ________-ing [verb] a ___________ [noun], then you’d actually see a decrease in _________________ [something you wouldn’t be caught dead doing]. The relationship between ____________ [your favorite thing, activity or food] and _____________ [the most terrible thing you can think of] works in a similar manner.

While results are still preliminary the discovery could lead to practical applications in the fields of _______________ [medical research topic], ________________ [chemistry research topic], _______________ [consumer electronics product], and may allow for the development of __________ [pure science fiction].

The post Lab Libs! Researchers Have Uncovered A Link Between [Something You Love] And [The Worst Thing You Can Think Of] appeared first on dnatured journal.

A promising young undergrad recently got some career advice from a very unlikely source: his anguished future self.

According to 23-year-old physics undergrad Walter Sampson, he was researching grad schools when there was suddenly a large crack and flash of light when the 55-year-old Dr. Walter Ross suddenly appeared [1].

“For the love of God go into the trades,” screamed the elder Sampson, desperately.

The greying Dr. Sampson outlined that while a career in theoretical physics would ultimately lead to their exciting discovery of time travel, it also involved enduring decades of “publish or perish” journal submissions and peer review. He then strongly suggested to become a welder, where the only peer review he’d have to endure is someone looking at their weld and saying “Looks good Walt, let’s grab a beer.”

“Or become an electrician” he stated. “If you can figure out 4th dimensional quantum irregularities, you can definitely learn how to wire a three-way switch.”

Dr. Sampson admitted that while time travel should grant nearly limitless financial opportunities, many trade apprenticeships programs pay you to learn, which would have saved 19 years of student loan stress.

“We won’t have had to suffer through endless hours of complex differential equations for no pay,” pleaded the future Sampson, adding “You could have bought that ATV already!”

Reflecting on the odd experience the current Sampson stated “It was very strange. The fact that time travel is possible has me very intrigued. It makes me want to dedicate my life to figuring it out.”

At press time Sampson had been accepted to many prestigious grad programs and was dealing with seemingly new childhood memories of an old man trying to get him interested in drywall.

The post Theoretical Physicist Travels Back In Time To Persuade Younger Self To Go Into The Trades appeared first on dnatured journal.

Workplace Health and Safety Inspector Dana Tait raised concerns that a university laboratory has improper microwaving policies after finding a note on the microwave that asked people not to reheat aromatic hydrocarbons, a known carcinogen.

“We all share this space, please be respectful to others,” begins the passive aggressive note. “Do NOT use the microwave to reheat strong-smelling items like fish, curry or aromatic hydrocarbons.”

Tait was especially concerned that the chemists were confusing the homonym aromatic, which has a completely different meaning in chemistry terms.

“In organic chemistry, aromatic means a ring shaped molecule with pi bonds, not necessarily something that has an aroma,” Tait explained, “but as chemists, they should know that… right?”  

“Not using break room microwaves to reheat particularly odorous leftovers has been a long-standing protocol in many workplaces,” continued Tait, “so the inclusion of ‘aromatic hydrocarbons’ implies the issue was mostly due to their strong smell, and not the extremely high risk of cancer.”

Despite it raising concerns, Tait has no issues with the policy set out in the note.

“I mean, yes, you should not heat things like benzene or toluene in a machine used for food preparation. That’s good practice. I can’t argue with that. It’s just that… it should go without saying? So why did they have to say it? Did someone try this? I’m worried someone tried this.”

A technician at the lab, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed the existence of the note and noted that it was being completely ignored by staff due to the fact it was written in comic sans.

The post Health Inspector Deeply Unsettled By Lab’s “Do Not Microwave Fish, Curry, Or Aromatic Hydrocarbons” Note appeared first on dnatured journal.

In an announcement which stands to turn the billion-dollar vitamin and supplement industry on its head, the National Association of Certified Nutritionists (NACN) have revealed that every vitamin from D to Z does not actually exist and was invented as a practical (read: revenue-generating) joke.

NACN spokesperson Cathryn Zdarsky confirmed that while vitamins A, B and C are real and absolutely essential to the proper functioning of the human metabolism, vitamins D, E, and K do jack shit for your health.

“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster,” said Zdarsky. “Someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke, and it’s like, where would you even get Vitamin D from? We’ve already covered everything in meat, fish, dairy, grains, fruits and vegetables.”

“But then they were like ‘I dunno, sunshine and mushrooms?’ and we thought that was fucking hysterical, so we slipped it on the list too. When no one got the joke we realized we could get away with almost anything. That really opened the floodgates.”

Vitamins K and E (more commonly referred to by nutritionists as the “bullshit vitamins”), followed quickly but vitamins F through J were found to be too ridiculous and would likely alert the public to the ruse.

“Vitamin G was supposed to be the “moonlight vitamin”, whose deficiency caused rapid hair growth, fangs, and increased vocal range, aka werewolf-ism,” said Zdarsky, “thankfully vitamin E took off instead.”

Zdarsky apologized on behalf of all nutritionists for any confusion or mistrust the joke may have caused.

The post Nutritionists Admit Every Vitamin Beyond “C” Totally Made Up appeared first on dnatured journal.

International Astronomical Union has officially named the newly discovered moon of Neptune “Hippocamp,” an unusual move that left the door wide open for it to be nicknamed by the older, more popular moons.

Led by Triton (Neptune I), the largest moon and self proclaimed “Queen Bee” of the Neptune system, nicknaming began with “Hungry Hungry Hippocamp.” Scientists are still trying to determine how the moons knew the name of a board game popularized 4.7 billion kilometres away from Neptune.

Tearful assertions by Hippocamp that her name isn’t weird, it’s just Greek, and that in fact, she is actually quite small for a moon were rebuked by Nereid (Neptune II), who proclaimed “you’re so ugly, Voyager 2 didn’t even take your picture!”

Hippocamp was photographed by the Voyager 2 spacecraft in 1989 but went unnoticed because of it’s low albedo. Armed with this information and confusing the term “albedo” (an object’s ability to reflect sunlight) with “libido” (a measure of sexual desire) the other moons started calling Hippocamp “Low Libido Loser.”

Neptune, for it’s part, shouted “don’t make me come out there” when it heard the moons bickering in its orbit.

“The depth of creativity and cruelty we’re seeing is truly awe inspiring,” said Mark Showalter, who discovered Hippocamp in 2013, “I just hope they don’t discover that ‘Hippocamp’ is named after a half-horse, half-fish creature. They’ll have a field day!”

At press time the popular moons were experimenting with variations of “Seahorse Ass Bitch.”

The post Neptune’s Newly Discovered Moon “Hippocamp” To Be Given Cruel Nickname By Popular Girl Moons appeared first on dnatured journal.

The field of artificial intelligence and machine learning reached another exciting milestone on Tuesday with the unveiling of a self-driving car capable of brandishing the middle finger to nearby cyclists.

The technology uses cameras and sensors to scan the vehicle’s surroundings for those fugly biker shorts [1]. Advanced algorithms can also detect objects that blow past the car while it’s stopped at a red light, even though the car has been trying to pass the object’s slow-ass for the last ten blocks. The software then works to produce the appropriate vulgar gesture.

“Software can easily recognize a stop signs and lane markers, but real world driving involves detecting and interpreting subtle dick moves that computers have traditionally struggled with,” said engineer Arjun Sharma.

“For example, if the car pulls into a bike lane in an attempt to get ahead of a long line of traffic and nearly sideswipes a cyclist in the process,” explained Sharma, “the car needs to not only express anger but also clearly communicate to the cyclist that the entire situation is their fault.”

Not only can Waymo’s prototype execute this move flawlessly, it can also hurl verbal obscenities from external mounted speakers and, while parked, automatically open the drivers door when it detects a bicycle approaching.

“Blatant disregard for human life is an area where machines have the potential to outperform humans, and possibly even BMW drivers,” said Sharma.

Waymo is the first to introduce this technology but Ford has reportedly been working on a self-driving F150 that will be able to identify and incoherently cat call any woman it drives past.

The post Self Driving Cars Now Capable Of Flipping Off Cyclists appeared first on dnatured journal.

After rigorous structural analysis, a proposed pedestrian access route to heaven has been determined to be infeasible, impractical and highly dangerous.

While the exact location of heaven is unknown, the analysis assumed it to begin around 100 km above sea level, rejecting the Carlisle hypothesis that heaven is “a place on Earth” [1]. No known material has the required strength to weight ratio required to support a stairway 100 km tall, though steel and spider jizz come the closest at 1 km and 2.9 km, respectively [2].

Vague references of being able to complete the stairway by means of “led [sic] zeppelin”, are equally dubious. Elemental lead is far too heavy and toxic to use for aircraft construction, and it’s inappropriately low melting point would cause the zeppelin to evaporate by the 4,928th step.

Finally, it was found that a single lady could not financially support such a project, regardless of her beliefs about glitter and gold, given that the cost of construction would bankrupt the group of G20 countries many times over.

The analysts proposed that building a fire-escape to heaven may be possible in the coming years, given recent advancements in rickety-stair technology. Requests for the engineering team to not take things so literally were not including in the analysis as they were determined to be out of scope.

The post Engineering Analysis: Stairway To Heaven Structurally Unsound, Could Not Support Own Weight appeared first on dnatured journal.