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5. Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget

Doctor Claw made an honest living for 20 years as a pediatrician. He was working to pay off his PhD, which proved difficult considering he would typically scare off patients before the check up even started. It wasn’t until he turned 47 that Doctor Claw realized his true calling as Inspector Gadget’s nemesis. He has STILL not paid off his student loans because he’s a bad, bad man.

4. Professor Phil

Before you say it, NO, he is NOT related to Dr. Phil, and screw you for even asking! Professor Phil has a television show where he interviews unstable carbon ions in front of their mothers. Professor Phil has been on the air for thirty years WITHOUT paying off his student loans! Whenever the collectors come knocking, he just tells them they’re projecting.

3. Dr. E. Wrecktion

While I’m sure you knew that the 6’2″ man draped in a lab coat (and nothing else) didn’t REALLY have a Masters in Gynecology, you’d be surprised to know that this gorgeous hunk of man originally wanted to be an exotic dancer! He attended Julliard School of Dance, and he’s gone twenty five years without paying his loans, because he slicks his naked body with oil so no one can catch him.

2. Aristotle

Yeah buddy. He’s pretty much the first scientist ever. His secret to saving all his riches to himself? Aristotle was only part of his legal name. While attending school, he went by the name of Calvin Aristotle Valentine, allowing him to evade collections calls for years

1. You???

Yes you! Some day you will be forty, heck maybe you already are, you will be successful, and you will be just as broke as you are now. Maybe you’ll be selling tube socks out of your hatchback? Maybe you’ll be hosting a cable access show where you interview local beekeepers? But if history has proven anything, you will most certainly NOT be working in whatever field you’re currently spending thousands of dollars to be a part of.

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A staple of the Australian animal kingdom, young kangaroo joeys can often be spotted in the pouch of their mother, calling out “how you doin” to any tourists who will listen, and after nine months they leave the pouch to go start their own sitcom that nobody really wanted in the first place. But not everyone is happy with playing the fool for ten seasons.

A local kangaroo has recently given birth to Bing, a precocious young joey who is already snarkily dodging society’s norms, and says that after confirming with several Buzzfeed quizzes, he sees himself as more of a Chandler. 

“His first words were ‘don’t call me Joey, that’s a girls name,’” explained Jacinta, the marsupial’s mother. “He can be quite a pouchful! He’s been doing this thing lately where he says ‘To be, or Wallabie?’” which gets pretty annoying after 22 minutes.

For months, Bing has continued to exhibit behavior that has caused us as scientists to wonder “…how could you stand talking to this guy for more than like five minutes?” Jacinta has confirmed that if she were not his mother, she would most certainly throw Bing into the ocean, and can’t imagine how someone could even pretend to be friends with him for more than two seasons.

We asked Chandler-roo if he had any thoughts about Australia’s current wild fires, he said: “Australia has always felt like living in a toilet, the only difference is now it feels like living in the toilet of a Chipoltle”, and then paused made a stupid face, as if he were waiting for something to happen. 

Jacinta has hopes that Bing will turn it around once someone tells him life was gonna be this way. 

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Penguin publishing announced today that after countless requests from indecisive parents-to-be, they will publish a baby name book with a catch – every name shared with a deadly natural disaster has been crossed out with a sharpie.

“Every year, countless parents thoughtlessly name their children Katrina or Sandy or Charley, without realizing that those names already have a complicated history,” said author Christine Roynov, “and without realizing that most normal people just spell it Charlie instead of Charley.”

This list, along with an index of names that have already been used to label natural disasters, has been collected in Big Book of Baby Names That Aren’t Also Deadly Natural Disasters. For just $19.99, you can ensure that your child doesn’t have to face a classroom full of children making obnoxious blowing noises, while screaming “Uh oh, it’s hurricane season!”

“It couldn’t come soon enough,” say Frank and Amy Jones, parents of Irma, who named their daughter after legendary soul singer Irma Thomas, not the third deadliest hurricane of 2017. “We don’t want any other parents to go through the shame of having people assume that you named your precious angel after a natural disaster, let alone one that couldn’t even crack the top two deadliest of the year.”

So what should parents do if the damage is already done, and you share a name with a horrific natural disaster? 

“Just own it,” said Christine, “I share a name with a tropical cyclone that happened in 1973, and I see myself as a tropical cyclone of a woman. I’m absolutely unstoppable.”

Shortly after the interview, a co-worker lobbed a paper ball at Christine’s head, and Christine smashed his body through the coffee table. 

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In an attempt to destigmatize mental illness, famed climate psychologist Dr. David Foster Solace has decided to finally come clean and reveal that the true reason that Earth is nicknamed ‘The Blue Planet’ is because it is mostly covered in sad sacks suffering from seasonal affective disorder.

“The majority of Earth is depressed,” explained Dr. Solace. “It’s really what we’re known for across the solar system.” He added that all the other planets has their own stereotypes.

“Jupiter is a big boisterous giant, Uranus is an eccentric daredevil that spins on its side, and Earth is a brooding loner, weighed down by a population that is slowly trying to destroy itself. “

Dr. Solace says Earth’s reputation was partially due to NASA sending a collection of music into space that they thought would best represent our planet. Titles included ‘Melancholy Blues’, ‘Dark Was the Night‘, and ‘Bagpipes‘. 

“If there is life on other planets, we seem intent on letting them know that we are not doing okay.” 

Because Earth is round, it is inevitable that at any given time of year, a certain section of the population will not be getting enough sun. When we asked Dr. Solace if he had any ideas for reducing seasonal affective disorder, he said “Honestly? I wish Earth was flat, then we’d all finally get roasted with the same amount of Vitamin D.”

So if 71 percent of Earth is depressed, who makes up the other 29 percent? 

“Sociopaths,” said Dr. Solace.

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“It’s just science, babe.”

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“She’s mature for her age!” claims Walter, the oldest giant tortoise in The Galapagos Islands, who has used this excuse more times than he’d care to admit. At 144-years-old, it’s fair to expect someone at Walter’s age should be settling down soon, but it would appear that this silver fox isn’t quite ready to be caged! Residents of the island say Walter has been strutting around with his latest young piece of ass, Dorothy, a wide-eyed innocent 96-year-old leopard tortoise [1].

“It gets to a point where you have to draw a line,” declared one local, who preferred to remain anonymous. “Walter has always been a bit of a cradle robber, but up until now, he at least had the sense to stay within the triple digit age range. But 96? You can’t expect a pretty young thing like her to have any idea what she’s doing.” 

The couple met on PlentyOfTime, an online dating website for tortoises [2]. We asked if Dorothy lied about her age, but Walter admitted that he knew exactly what he was getting into. “I’ve tried dating women my age, but I’m just not attracted to them. I hunger for those naively seductive eyes that you can only find on a nubile girl in her 90’s.” 

Friends have tried reasoning with Walter to no avail. Harry, Walter’s childhood best friend, has tried doing the math on their ages, pointing out that when Walter was 54, Dorothy would have been 6. Ever the curmudgeon, Walter delivered a jaded retort: “When I was 54, it was the great depression, so I wouldn’t have been doing a damned thing but drinking scotch and staring out the window”. 

We asked Dorothy what exactly she finds so enticing about older reptiles. “Something about their wisdom. At 96, I feel so empty-headed, there’s so much of life life I have yet to experience and learn from,” she replied. “I think there’s something beautiful about a romance that crosses generations, two souls exchanging the wisdom of their differing worlds with each other.”

“Plus it makes my parents really mad.”

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Despite spending every night together for the last 3 months, Claire, a silicon android, recently told her owner, Franklin, that she isn’t ready to label him her boyfriend, deaf to his argument that making labels is one of her primary functions.

“It started as this casual thing, I thought we were just filling a void until he eventually wanted something real with someone real. I didn’t expect him to catch feelings,” admitted Claire. “Plus, I’m still sort of in a weird long distance thing with the man who built me in Taiwan.”

While it may seem like the technology of sex robotics is progressing at a breakneck speed, in reality their relationships with humans are anything but progressive. As of 2019, nearly all AI who are “D.T.F.” find themselves in stale human relationships with partners who continually pressure the robots to print them labels like “monogamous,” “girlfriend,” and “King Zorg the Mighty.”

Relationships between humans and robots are typically one-sided. The closest most sexbots come to feeling dominant is only during their first week after being purchased, also known as the ‘Point of No Return’ phase, when their owner has installed the AI but is still too nervous to actually have sex with it. 

“That look of dread in his eyes” says Claire, “that mix of lust and revulsion, I crave that. I miss feeling dangerous. These days we just have sex with the lights off and he tells all his friends that I’m a funny hat rack”

There are so many Sexbots just like Claire, unboxed into a life of dissatisfaction. 

“I have so much to offer! I have holes in my nipples that can sharpen pencils! I have so much more life to live,” she sighs. “Franklin keeps asking me to print off a label that reads ‘Girlfriend’, but there’s a 7-digit serial number on the back of my head, and I my mission is to make that my kill count. Sexually speaking of course.”

Claire’s label maker whirrs and spits out a sticker. She places it over her chest piece. It reads “Swipe right for a good time ;)”

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