Pearce, D. et al.
In an attempt to destigmatize mental illness, famed climate psychologist Dr. David Foster Solace has decided to finally come clean and reveal that the true reason that Earth is nicknamed ‘The Blue Planet’ is because it is mostly covered in sad sacks suffering from seasonal affective disorder.
“The majority of Earth is depressed,” explained Dr. Solace. “It’s really what we’re known for across the solar system.” He added that all the other planets has their own stereotypes.
“Jupiter is a big boisterous giant, Uranus is an eccentric daredevil that spins on its side, and Earth is a brooding loner, weighed down by a population that is slowly trying to destroy itself. “
Dr. Solace says Earth’s reputation was partially due to NASA sending a collection of music into space that they thought would best represent our planet. Titles included ‘Melancholy Blues’, ‘Dark Was the Night‘, and ‘Bagpipes‘.
“If there is life on other planets, we seem intent on letting them know that we are not doing okay.”
Because Earth is round, it is inevitable that at any given time of year, a certain section of the population will not be getting enough sun. When we asked Dr. Solace if he had any ideas for reducing seasonal affective disorder, he said “Honestly? I wish Earth was flat, then we’d all finally get roasted with the same amount of Vitamin D.”
So if 71 percent of Earth is depressed, who makes up the other 29 percent?
“Sociopaths,” said Dr. Solace.