Man’s Sex Robot ‘Isn’t Ready to Put A Label On It’, Even Though Label Making is One of Her Primary Functions

Pearce, D., Graham, L. et al.

Despite spending every night together for the last 3 months, Claire, a silicon android, recently told her owner, Franklin, that she isn’t ready to label him her boyfriend, deaf to his argument that making labels is one of her primary functions.

“It started as this casual thing, I thought we were just filling a void until he eventually wanted something real with someone real. I didn’t expect him to catch feelings,” admitted Claire. “Plus, I’m still sort of in a weird long distance thing with the man who built me in Taiwan.”

While it may seem like the technology of sex robotics is progressing at a breakneck speed, in reality their relationships with humans are anything but progressive. As of 2019, nearly all AI who are “D.T.F.” find themselves in stale human relationships with partners who continually pressure the robots to print them labels like “monogamous,” “girlfriend,” and “King Zorg the Mighty.”

Relationships between humans and robots are typically one-sided. The closest most sexbots come to feeling dominant is only during their first week after being purchased, also known as the ‘Point of No Return’ phase, when their owner has installed the AI but is still too nervous to actually have sex with it. 

“That look of dread in his eyes” says Claire, “that mix of lust and revulsion, I crave that. I miss feeling dangerous. These days we just have sex with the lights off and he tells all his friends that I’m a funny hat rack”

There are so many Sexbots just like Claire, unboxed into a life of dissatisfaction. 

“I have so much to offer! I have holes in my nipples that can sharpen pencils! I have so much more life to live,” she sighs. “Franklin keeps asking me to print off a label that reads ‘Girlfriend’, but there’s a 7-digit serial number on the back of my head, and I my mission is to make that my kill count. Sexually speaking of course.”

Claire’s label maker whirrs and spits out a sticker. She places it over her chest piece. It reads “Swipe right for a good time ;)”

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About Author

Dan Pearce

Dan Pearce performs stand up comedy all over Toronto and is also the creator of DotMP3, a sketch comedy channel on Youtube.

About Dan Pearce 5 Articles
Dan Pearce performs stand up comedy all over Toronto and is also the creator of DotMP3, a sketch comedy channel on Youtube.