Exhausted Ecologists Announce New Policy Of Only Saving Species That Spark Joy

Graham, L. et al.

After working tirelessly to save hundreds of endangered species on their wildlife conservation, married ecologists Mary Stallworth and Daniel McMorrow channeled Marie Kondo by decluttering and vowing to only keep an endangered species if it sparks joy. 

“Before the clean, we were so overrun with wildlife that you couldn’t step anywhere without squishing something,” said Stallworth. “Plants and insects were haphazardly all over the roads, and none of the mammals were ever in the same place we put them!” 

Stallworth and McMorrow followed Marie Kondo’s easy steps for decluttering, making a few adjustments to account for the conservation’s size. Starting with the forest, they went from habitat to habitat, piling every living creature in the middle of the ground, and sorting them into “extinct” and “preserve” piles. 

“We started with the large animals first, like giraffes and cheetahs, and worked our way down the food chain,” said Stallworth, “the amount was shocking when you laid them all out like that.”

“We ended up donating five bags of dolphins back to our local Seaworld,” said McMorrow. “They were an impulse-rescue from watching the BlackFish documentary, and we agreed that we’d rather enjoy the pool ourselves.”

In total they reduced the conservation’s biodiversity by a whopping 78%.

“Now we keep each species in a plain, unmarked box or a labelled drawer, and put them back immediately after we’re done using them. No more clutter!”

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 63 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.