High-school student Elliot Spenkle says he was riding his bike past a mysterious abandoned factory when he slipped on a glowing radioactive spill and passed out from the ionizing radiation. When he came to, he assumed that, like in every comic book, he’d evolve into a super-human or get special powers, but instead he has developed forty different types of cancer.
“The next day, I felt a tingling in my fingers, and immediately could tell that something was different,” explained Elliot. “I thought I had developed telekinesis, but after some tests, the doctor confirmed it was the most severe anemia she’d ever seen.”
“At one point, Elliot did develop strange marks on his skin, which we thought could be the pre-cursor to some cool skin-changing abilities,” said Elliot’s father, Bill. “Sadly, the marks were just where the weaker cancers were getting physically pushed out of his body by the more dominant cancers.”
“If you look at it in a certain way, it is kind of like a super power,” said Dr. Bridget Suzic, one of Elliot’s oncologists. “I mean… he’s even got ovarian cancer! We’re all very impressed with Elliot and the optimism he’s bringing to the situation.”
A pre-emptive memorial will be held for Elliot at 11:00 a.m. on Thursday.