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The post “You’re 1 PPM” Says Scientist Trying To Compliment Partner appeared first on dnatured journal.

Visitors of a Disney World resort were shocked when the rotting carcass of a mermaid drifted into the shore, leaving a trail of whozits and whatsits in its wake. Scientists later confirmed the mermaid’s stomach was filled with gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and about a dozen used condoms.

“Mermaids are being forced out of their natural habitat by oil spills, overfishing, and blood pacts with malevolent sea witches,” said Eric Prince, president of The Conservation of Mythical Beasts Society (CMBS). Due to population decline, The CMBS recently downgraded mermaids’ classification from “Critically Endangered” to “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

“Only two things can save the mermaids at this point,” said Prince, “either we take immediate action to reduce the amount of waste being disposed of in our oceans, or the mermaids themselves need to find a satisfactory love interest by the end of the third act.” Prince concluded “if neither of those things are done, mermaids will simply no longer be a part of our world.”

This is the third garbage-filled mermaid corpse to wash up on the coast of the “happiest place on earth” in the past year [1]. As a result, Prince tearfully asks, “wouldn’t you think our collection’s complete?”

The post Marine Biologists Confirm Mermaid That Washed Up On Shore Had Stomach Full Of Thing-A-Ma-Bobs appeared first on dnatured journal.

A recent survey across major world pantheons has found an increased level of frustration among deities who feel that many of their divine punishments and afflictions on mankind are being falsely attributed to the state of the environment.

“It’s incredibly rude,” said Poseidon, Olympian god of the sea. “You’d all rather blame something insignificant like greenhouse gases or melting polar ice caps for the rising sea levels. Did it never occur to you that I’m just punishing you for wanton greed and defiling the planet? Maybe if you made an offering to me, I’d spare you from this global flood, but nobody thought to do that, did they?” 

Other deities have taken offence to the anthropocentric view of the climate crisis. 

“Seriously? You people think you put that hole in the ozone layer?” asked Quetzalcoatl, the Mesoamerican god of air. “Next you’re going to tell me that you’re going to create a sun. Get off your high horse, offer me some animal sacrifices and maybe I’ll stop setting the world on fire.”

Despite these feelings, no pantheon has taken credit for the environmental crisis entirely. “Look, we don’t have a god of plastic in Olympus,” said Poseidon. “Great Pacific garbage patch? All you guys. But that lightning bolt that killed a guy last week? That was us.”

According to the survey, popular opinion is that recent instances of divine wrath have been too subtle. Experts theorize the next attempt by the gods to get mankind to repent will be either be a rain of blood, causing birds to fly into windows intentionally, or releasing the Kraken to speak at the next climate change summit.  

The post Vengeful Gods Growing Increasingly Frustrated That Climate Change Receiving All The Credit For Their Wrath And Smiting appeared first on dnatured journal.

Climate scientists are now SCREAMING that the Earth is 100% that bitch, ready to go full fire emoji on all of humanity because we just could not stop pumping her full of pollution! Go AWF???! Data projections indicate that Mama Earth is heating up sewww hard that we should french-tuck in for a century full of hot girl summers, monsoon girl springs, drought girl autumns, and famine girl winters!

“Listen, we’ve been gassing up Earth on carbon dioxide for a hundred years,” said climatologist Dr. Sue Nami, “she ain’t about to go back to her drab old ice age lewks just cuz you bought like, one metal straw! Get ready to be cancelled straight into the rising sea, hunty!”

Described as an “ice queen” as recently as 12,000 years ago, scientists fear Earth’s temperature will soon reach a point where she will be classified as a PILFF; a Planet I Lowkey Fear For. 

And studies show they are right to be afraid! Since her recent ?kween?house gas fuelled makeover, the Earth has been absolutely KILLING IT across the globe, with death tolls from climate change estimated at 250,000 per year and rising. 

“I knew it was game-over once she got that fierce ozone wig from the Montreal Protocol and started contouring her ice caps,” said marine drag-ologist Oral Reef. “At this rate, she’ll get everybody wet by 2050!”

Earth’s recent glow up has also caused a series of forest fires, says ecologist Dr. Mass ExTwinkShawn, who warns that if we don’t make real efforts to preserve animal habitats, “many species will simply sashay away.”

But lead climate scientist Dr. Glow Ball Warming says that there is still time to act. “If you don’t want Earth to death drop our entire ecosystem, you absolutely must start to kiki with your state and local governments, and help change their environmental policies from busted to dusted!”

The post Yas Queen! Climate Scientists Say We Should Prepare For An Entire Hot Girl Century!!! appeared first on dnatured journal.

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The post Climate Scientists Say Rising Sea Levels Are Either Caused By Climate Change Or A Bunch Of People Getting Into The Water At The Same Time appeared first on dnatured journal.

This poor adorable lemur

A bunch of rich dudes

QUIZ: Should We Try To Solve The Climate Crisis Or Just Let A Few People Make As Much Money As Possible In The Little Time We Have Left?

We should obviously try to solve the climate crisis

You care about preserving the Earth for the next generations, good for you! Don't take your foot off the gas now (except if it's in your SUV), learn how you can take action on climate change below!

We should let a few people make as much money as possible in the little time we have left

Ok boomer.

Want to help solve the climate crisis?

1. Keep protesting for environmental reform in government and business
2. Get arrested
3. Support land protectors
4. Run for local office
5. Tax billionaires
6. Start a local #TrashTag

Or if you can’t do any of that, make a dent with your own personal choices.

The post QUIZ: Should We Try To Solve The Climate Crisis Or Just Let A Few People Make As Much Money As Possible In The Little Time We Have Left? appeared first on dnatured journal.

After a 2018 study found that 83% of wild mammals and 50% of plants have vanished in the last few millennia, scientists are now debating whether the current mass extinction is being caused by humans, or if it’s just God rapturing all his lil besties back to the kingdom of heaven. 

Despite numerous studies showing that human activity is having a devastating effect on the survival of many species, climatologists wanted to verify their claims with the one divine being capable of setting the record straight, God. To their surprise, God was forthcoming about the “reverse Noah’s Ark” situation.

“Ok fine yes, I have done some light manipulations in order to increase the biodiversity in the Kingdom of Heaven,” admitted God. 

“Sixty-six million years ago, there was this cool stegosaurus I wanted to hang out with,” said God. “So I threw this teensy little fireball down to Earth, right on top of him, like in your Pokemon Go game. Unfortunately I didn’t know my own strength at the time and soon Heaven was overrun with three quarters of the Earth’s plants and animals.”

This event, which scientists have named the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction, took a toll on God.

 “Ugh, it was super boring to watch, there was soot everywhere. Worse than watching Earth defrost after an ice age,” sighed God. “Now I try to take my time with extinctions.”

But in the past 100 years, God grew tired of watching the destruction humans kept inflicting on such a precious biosphere, and has decided to confiscate some of Earth’s greatest ecological hits.

“It’s like, fine, you wanna give subsidies to polluters and continue trashing the coral reefs I spent hours crafting?” said God. “Then no more toasted koala bears for you.”

The post Is It A Mass Extinction Or Is God Calling All The Cuties Home? appeared first on dnatured journal.

First contact with life from Venus ended in tragedy today, as a visitor from our planetary neighbour was sublimated by the intense heat of it’s point of arrival, Phoenix Arizona.

“It really caught us by surprise,” said NASA scientist Wade Gadiot, mopping his brow for the 31st time since the interview began. “The spaceship approached the agreed upon landing site and the bridge came out like you would’ve expected. Then one of the extra-terrestrials took two steps into the sun and then turned into a cloud of dust.”

Gadiot said the only thing indicating the extraterrestrial evaporated rather than left abruptly was a puddle of steaming sludge staining the road.

“We’re all really disappointed, especially those of us hoping to that mankind’s first discussion with alien life form would consist of more than what we can only assume was a raspy call for water.”

The visitor’s untimely demise has led to some discussion about whether or not the state of Arizona has become too hot to allow visitors from other planets. Phoenix Mayor Kate Gallego states that tourists from out of planet should make sure their bodies can handle the climate before making the trip.

“The planet Venus can reach temperatures of 900 degrees Fahrenheit, which is about the equivalent of a cloudy day in Arizona. Maybe tourists from Mercury won’t mind, but Venusians should consider Nevada instead.”

At press time, the surviving alien visitors were currently sitting in their craft with the windows open and the AC on, planning on departing the planet as soon as the steering wheel stopped being too hot to touch.

The post Alien From Venus Evaporates After One Minute In Phoenix, Arizona appeared first on dnatured journal.

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The post Oops! This Offshore Wind Farm Accidentally Spilled A Ton Of Wind Into The Ocean appeared first on dnatured journal.

After years of frustration dealing with single-digit NIH paylines, microbiologist Malcolm Welles invented a time machine to transport himself to the 1980s when ample grant funding was the norm.

“Back then institutes didn’t have to make arbitrary distinctions among well-reviewed proposals – they could all be funded down to the 30th, even 35th percentile!” said time travel pioneer Welles. “Old-timers in the faculty lounge can’t stop smiling when they talk about those days. I just wanted to experience that for myself.”

So far Welles has received two hefty grants that will keep his 20th century lab going well into the 1990s. “It’s astounding. The proposals aren’t any better than the ones I submit in the present but the money keeps rolling in.”

Welles has begun to share his secret with others. New faculty member Mary Warner recently returned from her second trip. “I didn’t suffer any ill effects,” the intrepid bacteriologist explained, “and the benefits are amazing. In 1985 I have my own R01 a full three years before I come up for promotion. Try doing that in 2021.”

“Also,” says Warner, “I’ve amassed a terrific collection of scrunchies.”

When asked how success in the past helps his current applications, Welles’s tone became muted. “I always return eager to write new grants but the enthusiasm fades when my scores are in the 20th percentile and unfundable.” He sighed and popped a Duran Duran cassette tape into his Walkman. “Still, it shows my mentoring committee I’m trying.”

The post Can’t Get Funding For Your Project? Try Travelling Back to the 1980s For Some Absurdly Generous Grants! appeared first on dnatured journal.