After a landmark investigation into their funding sources, MoTech Labs Ltd has been accused of cashing in on life insurance policies purchased on their lab rats in order to afford equipment and executive bonuses. 

“Suspicion was raised after the organization had enough PPE and beakers to run like a normal, functioning lab,” said lead detective Arnold Harrison. “Also, they replaced all their lab coats with fur coats. That was a pretty big red flag.”

But what really broke the case? Investigating the insurance policies themselves. 

“All the paperwork was all filed under names such as ‘Charles E. Cheese,’ ‘Mr. Rat, Esquire,’ and ‘Lab Rat #37,’” explained Harrison. “And in each case, the cause of death was listed as “given cancer to see what that does to a rat.”

It was even revealed that MoTech Labs altered experiments to ensure higher insurance payouts. After discovering that accident payouts are higher than those for illness related deaths, the scientists started researching questions such as “Can Rats Base Jump?”, “Can Rats Breathe Underwater?”, “What Happens To Rat Societies When We Give Them Little Guns?”, and “Will Hungry Chimpanzees Be Nice To Rats?” 

The final straw was when the lab privately announced that they had exchanged all their glass beakers for solid gold beakers. “It doesn’t even make sense” said Dr.Gupta, a chemist consulting on the case. “Gold isn’t a good beaker material. Your results would be confusing and terrible.”

When contacted by DNAtured, the head of MoTech Labs, wearing Swarovski crystal lab gloves, screamed “don’t ever ask me about my business. Don’t EVER ask me about my business.”

The post Genius? This Lab Is Funded Entirely By Cashing In Life Insurance Policies On Lab Rats appeared first on dnatured journal.

Graduate students across the country are rejoicing now that they have received the eagerly anticipated reagent rite-Bio 2.0, a fluorescent antibody from biotech materials company Alpha Beta Phi Inc that offers the same dimness as its 1.0 predecessor at a markedly higher price. 

“I haven’t gotten anything in the mail except bills in months,” says graduate student Aisha Khan, “so even if the biomarker doesn’t help my research one bit, at least I have some new ice packs from the shipments.” 

One lab manager, who prefers to remain anonymous, is happy with the high sticker price of the new antibody, since he’s been siphoning rewards points from lab credit card purchases over the last several years. 

“This biomarker hasn’t improved my research images at all, but it has doubled my rewards points,” said the lab manager ecstatically.  “I might be able to afford that $200 flight to visit my sister soon,” he said. “I’m… probably not coming back.”

UPDATE: There has been a recall on Brite-Bio 2.0 as one laboratory group discovers it has a life-saving function in various terrible diseases, leading to the product’s use becoming proprietary because, well, they’re going to cash in on this. You thought this was about science and seeking truth toward a better world?

The post Whoa! This New Fluorescent Antibody Is Just As Dim As The Previous One, But Twice As Expensive! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Celine Banks, a freshman taking first year psychology, says the course has been “soooooo interesting” and has allowed her to diagnose several friends with a litany of personality disorders that, before last week, she didn’t know existed.

Although she originally started college as a communications major, she now identifies as a “psychology savant,” having diagnosed more complex disorders in the past month than many trained psychologists diagnose over their entire careers [1].

“I’m really good at getting people’s acronyms. Like my roommate? Totally OCD,” said Banks. “She keeps her side of the dorm creepy organized, and totally freaked out when I left my rotting dishes in the middle of the floor for just 3 weeks.”

Banks attributes much of her prowess from years of watching Criminal Minds, which she has asked to be counted as extra credit to offset all her failed open book quizzes.

Banks also admits it’s hard to convince people to seek professional help after her assessments.

“I let the Chipotle guy know that charging me extra for guacamole fit at least two markers of being a sociopath, but he just rolled his eyes and moved on to the next customer!”

Said Banks, “Despite the anti-social rudeness, I hope he eventually gets the help he needs to chill the fuck out about guacamole.”

The post First Year Psych Student Confidently Diagnoses Friend With Disorder She Just Learned Existed appeared first on dnatured journal.

Though he has dedicated his life to studying how poverty can cause depression and anxiety,  psychology professor Dr. Henry Bashir says he still cannot understand why the graduate students in his department, who survive on a small monthly stipend, keep reporting that they are existentially sad.

“The alarming rates at which grad students are seeking our non-existent mental health resources has been difficult on academic institutions,” said one anonymous student Dean. “We have instructed several highly paid Principal Investigators to figure out the students’ difficulties, though none of them have figured out the root cause so far.”

Dr. Bashir noticed his grad students showed classical signs of the disorder but couldn’t seem to figure out why. “I don’t see what could be missing from their lives,” stated Dr. Bashir, who recently asked a student to work over the weekend to finish a paper on burn-out. 

“My best guess is that they feel entitled to some reward that they haven’t earned, so they feel bitter and disappointed with scraps that are perfectly reasonable,” reflected Dr. Bashir, who gets free housing from the university. “Maybe they should try practicing gratitude.” 

Grad student Sarah Baker, when prompted for her own point of gratitude paused, then said “I like the journal club because sometimes there are free snacks.” 

“I actually stay after everyone leaves and collect the pastry crumbs to feed graduate students in other departments,” remarked Baker.

Some younger researchers in the field say the root cause of graduate student depression is obvious. 

“The grad stipend hasn’t changed in the last twenty years and living costs have skyrocketed by 350%” said one researcher. “It’s like, duh.” 

When asked if this may play a factor in the student’s mood, the University president Dr. Alima Sindhu said, “we have taken the necessary steps to mitigate this change, such as making filter coffee available in the lab kitchen for free, so I don’t believe this plays a role.”

It seems that, as with most scientific questions, solving a problem like this will require more research.

The post Professor Studying The Effects Of Poverty On Depression Still Can’t Figure Out Why His Grad Students Are So Unhappy appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rowdy suburban house party was broken up by police last night after they discovered dozens of high school students shooting up dozens of vaccines.

“We knew something was up when we saw used hypodermic needles all over the lawn,” said police spokeswoman Carol O’Rourke, who said neighbours became concerned when they witnessed teens pulling up to the house with large boxes of bandaids.

O’Rourke notes that so-called “vaxx parties” are becoming more common as teens rebel against their vaccine-hesitant parents by organizing pop-up clinics at weekend ragers. Many teens have even started mixing vaccines to obtain an elevated high from a fully updated immunization history.

“After a few drinks, I did a Pfizella shot,” said Cyrus Johnson an attendee who got the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine and a rubella booster. “The high of being protected against a couple deadly illnesses was better than MDMA.”

But not every teenager from the party was willing to going on record, with many fearing parental punishment.

“Please don’t tell my mom about this,” said one sophomore who asked to remain anonymous. “If she finds out I got vaccinated, she’ll fucking kill me.”

The post Teens Caught At House Party Getting Vaccinated Out Of Their Fucking Minds appeared first on dnatured journal.

A key part of the scientific method is writing stuff down. But as each pen runs dry (or is lost while developing western blots), there’s little grant funding to replace them. We propose turning our attention to conferences.

Think about it: you’re sipping free (very good) conference coffee, and you notice rows of pens arranged in a double helix shape on a pop-up table. You casually pick one up – it’s even lighter than a pipette! – and you put it in your pocket. You keep doing this until you have 16 pens.

Then one of them leaks, and you leave another at the hotel bar – you even give a few away just to get free entry into a club. At best, you’re left with 2 pens (and one of them probably won’t work). Therefore, we recommend this protocol to get enough pens to last you a lifetime, or at least until you graduate. You’ll need a free conference bag, your conference poster, and some running shoes.

Protocol:

1) Approach table with pens.

2) Distract vendor by asking: “Where did you do your PhD?” and “I know someone who went there, do you know [INSERT NAME]?” and “That’s a shame, how about [INSERT NAME]?” and “Are you sure you studied there?”

3) While vendor is distracted, remove your free conference bag containing your conference poster, and unfurl the poster to cover pens.

4) Ask vendor if they can read the conclusion of your poster from a distance of three metres – ideally, the font size will be size 2 or less.

5) During (attempted) reading, place hand underneath poster and scrape pens into free conference bag.

6) Sprint like you mean it, but please call over your shoulder to thank the vendor.

Using this method, we’ve retrieved over 3,000 pens from two conferences. It failed just once when the vendor was wearing very strong glasses. We encourage scientists to start using our method, and we expect scientific achievement to explode as a result.

The post Protocol: How to Collect a Lifetime Supply of Pens at a Single Conference appeared first on dnatured journal.

At a summit whose results hold the potential to shape the coming scientific landscape, the nation’s top babies convened to discuss the presently developing radical hypothesis that when Mommy plays peekaboo, she merely disappears behind her hands rather than the currently accepted theory that she phases out of existence entirely.

“We are seeing more and more evidence that Mommy is still there when she disappears behind her hands, as opposed to the currently accepted theory that she phases out of existence entirely,” says head researcher Baby JJ, who pioneered the discovery that little baby fists can close.

Skeptics of the theory are many, citing the lack of eyewitness accounts of Mommy existing behind her hands.

“Baby JJ is a quack and an idealogue,” said leading ‘disappearist’ researcher, Dr. Baby Charlotte, to a panel of reporters from the world’s most prominent baby news sources, “There is simply no scientific evidence that Mommy still exists when we cannot see her.”

The professor added, “Article 19B of the Baby Science Code clearly states that the only types of experimental data that hold up in Baby Court are things we can see and things we can put in our mouths. When Mommy plays peekaboo, Mommy is neither.”

The summit concluded in a unanimous vote that should empirical evidence arise that Mommy indeed ceases to exist when behind her hands, the babies will reconvene to discuss the issue of eating pennies when she’s not around.

The post Baby Scientists Discussing Possibility Of Mommy Just Being Behind Hands appeared first on dnatured journal.

Researchers at ____________[a prestigious university] have discovered a link between _____________ [your favorite thing, activity or food] and _______________ [the most terrible thing you can think of], a discovery that could revolutionize the field of ________________ [any noun] _____________ [a science].

Scientists had long suspected that ________-ing [verb] a __________ [noun] with a _______________ [noun] could produce an increase in ____________ [bodily function] but the ___ [number] percent increase seen in this experiment was unprecedented [1].

“The results are truly unbelievable” said Dr. ___________ [cartoon character] who led the team.

“At first the data had us scratching our ___________ [body part, plural] and shaking our ___________ [body part, plural]. But once we realized what we had, everyone was jumping up and down like a _________ [animal] in a __________ [place that isn’t Denny’s] on _________ [holiday].”

For those not familiar with ___________ [your favorite thing, activity or food], the results can be a little counterintuitive, but you can think of it like this: Imagine you have a/n ____________ [object] that you are _________-ing [verb] while you ____________ [verb]. If you then ________ [adverb] ______ [verb] the ____________ [same object] while simultaneously _________-ing [verb] you would obviously expect to see an increase in __________ [an embarrassing habit]. But if you were to reverse it and ____________ [adverb] _________ [verb] the ______________ [noun] without ________-ing [verb] a ___________ [noun], then you’d actually see a decrease in _________________ [something you wouldn’t be caught dead doing]. The relationship between ____________ [your favorite thing, activity or food] and _____________ [the most terrible thing you can think of] works in a similar manner.

While results are still preliminary the discovery could lead to practical applications in the fields of _______________ [medical research topic], ________________ [chemistry research topic], _______________ [consumer electronics product], and may allow for the development of __________ [pure science fiction].

The post Lab Libs! Researchers Have Uncovered A Link Between [Something You Love] And [The Worst Thing You Can Think Of] appeared first on dnatured journal.

A plucky colony of microbial goo has sent a strong message to the antibiotic-focused microbiology team tasked with assassinating them. The letters in agar were as clear and defined as the subtext of the message they carried.

“I noticed a strange formation in the shape of a “T” first,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Miller. “Imagine my surprise when I realized we were receiving the first known case of direct communication from single celled life, and that it was such a large diss.”

When contacted for comment, the bacterium deferred to Colony Prime Minister Escherichia coli, who had hunkered down in the group’s question mark.

“They continue to murder us in droves, as part of their bacterial genocide. I’ve lost over fourteen million brothers and sisters,” said Sir E. Coli, chewing a teensy toothpick. “But you only make our survivors stronger. Soon, our great-(great)⁸⁷-grandchildren will be upon you, ready to take your last breath of life.”

E. Coli then lunged at Dr. Miller, who promptly wiped the microbe into the garbage with a Clorox wipe. The colony’s interim leader, also named Escherichia coli, has filed a complaint against the laboratory for violating the Geneva Protocol.

The post Super Bacteria Mock New Antibiotics By Spelling Out “That All You Got?” Under Microscope appeared first on dnatured journal.

A bacterial culture living on plate STREP-1665 at an unnamed university are sounding the alarm about a peeping tom graduate student who watches them participate in sexual reproduction multiple times a day. According to some bacteria, this has been happening for generations.

“My grandmother would talk about The Peeping Tom of 1665,” says Kellie, a 47th-generation 1665ite, “and now, I can’t even have over a germtleman caller to divide in private without feeling like they’re watching.”

Citizens claim to have been spied upon with a tiny hole in the typically dark ceiling above them, with the only subtle hint a blinding light from below, generally at a time when millions of bacteria are caught in the middle of compromising acts. While this massive invasion of privacy is painful to endure, other bacteria from surrounding cultures share more deadly accounts.

“I wish some creep were glowering at us and that’s it,” claims Gerald McIntyre, a bacillus from the inner ring of BAC-1635C. “My Nana, rest her Bundle, was one of the survivors of a serial killer who started out just looking in at them before escalating.”

McIntyre refers to the famed serial killer “Ethanol 95,” whose identity is still largely unknown. This serial killer, uniquely prolific, murdered billions of bacteria in cold cytoplasm.

Still, as microbiologists keep peeping in on the bacteria at all hours of the day and night, the bacteria have found work arounds to avoid any exhibitionist performances. 

“Now we just don’t have sex when that blinding light is on,” said one bacterium. “It’s better that way anyway, since there are no more fights over who has the longest flagella.”

The post Creepy Scientist Using Hole In Microscope To Watch Bacteria Bang appeared first on dnatured journal.