Bishop, B. et al
A bacterial culture living on plate STREP-1665 at an unnamed university are sounding the alarm about a peeping tom graduate student who watches them participate in sexual reproduction multiple times a day. According to some bacteria, this has been happening for generations.
“My grandmother would talk about The Peeping Tom of 1665,” says Kellie, a 47th-generation 1665ite, “and now, I can’t even have over a germtleman caller to divide in private without feeling like they’re watching.”
Citizens claim to have been spied upon with a tiny hole in the typically dark ceiling above them, with the only subtle hint a blinding light from below, generally at a time when millions of bacteria are caught in the middle of compromising acts. While this massive invasion of privacy is painful to endure, other bacteria from surrounding cultures share more deadly accounts.
“I wish some creep were glowering at us and that’s it,” claims Gerald McIntyre, a bacillus from the inner ring of BAC-1635C. “My Nana, rest her Bundle, was one of the survivors of a serial killer who started out just looking in at them before escalating.”
McIntyre refers to the famed serial killer “Ethanol 95,” whose identity is still largely unknown. This serial killer, uniquely prolific, murdered billions of bacteria in cold cytoplasm.
Still, as microbiologists keep peeping in on the bacteria at all hours of the day and night, the bacteria have found work arounds to avoid any exhibitionist performances.
“Now we just don’t have sex when that blinding light is on,” said one bacterium. “It’s better that way anyway, since there are no more fights over who has the longest flagella.”