Graduate Student Praised For Impressive Self-Restraint And Patience After Allowing Mother To Poorly Describe Their Research Project To Strangers

Holmes, T. et al

It was a harrowing day for engineering graduate student Megan Martin, 24, who was visiting her parents for the long weekend. Heather Martin, 49, requested her daughter join in on some morning errands. Megan prepared for battle, knowing that her mother had a habit of proudly attempting to explain the research project Megan was working on for her degree. 

The first infringement occurred at 10:28am, at a local grocery store, where Mrs. Martin boldly attempted to describe the research to the checkout clerk. “She makes special paints!” exclaimed Heather Martin cheerily, as her daughter physically recoiled. “I’m so glad she’s making a difference,” continued Mrs. Martin, incorrectly convinced the research was actually making a difference. 

The onslaught of hubris, in work that was not her own, continued at the garden centre, dry cleaners, carwash, and at a red light where some protesters were gathered. Few were spared from the confusing slurry of metaphors and poorly remembered keywords. Megan remained stoic during the entire 38-minute process. 

“I even wrote my program name on a card for her, like it’s literally right there???” Megan wrote in a text to a friend. “Sacrifice me with your next batch of rats cuz I can’t take it anymore!!”

The most devastating of atrocities occurred right outside the Martin family home, when a young neighbour boy was riding by on a bicycle. In a flurry of misinformation, misplaced confidence, and brute-force simplification the conversation finished with: “It’s like Megan makes breakfast for robots!” Amazingly, only one tear was visible running down Megan’s cheek. 

Megan Martin works in nanomaterials chemistry. “I used paint as an analogy one time. That was the catalyst to my suffering.”

A service will be held next Thursday for Megan, who is still on the frontlines until the end of the long weekend, when she will finally be released and returned to her lab.

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About Author

Trent Holmes

Trent Holmes is a scientist, improviser, and fan of oxford commas. He is barricaded in Kingston, Ontario completing a PhD at Queen’s University. Eventually he will have to face the real world, but if you stay in school forever that’s not a thing… right?

About Trent Holmes 2 Articles
Trent Holmes is a scientist, improviser, and fan of oxford commas. He is barricaded in Kingston, Ontario completing a PhD at Queen’s University. Eventually he will have to face the real world, but if you stay in school forever that’s not a thing… right?