After a landmark investigation into their funding sources, MoTech Labs Ltd has been accused of cashing in on life insurance policies purchased on their lab rats in order to afford equipment and executive bonuses. 

“Suspicion was raised after the organization had enough PPE and beakers to run like a normal, functioning lab,” said lead detective Arnold Harrison. “Also, they replaced all their lab coats with fur coats. That was a pretty big red flag.”

But what really broke the case? Investigating the insurance policies themselves. 

“All the paperwork was all filed under names such as ‘Charles E. Cheese,’ ‘Mr. Rat, Esquire,’ and ‘Lab Rat #37,’” explained Harrison. “And in each case, the cause of death was listed as “given cancer to see what that does to a rat.”

It was even revealed that MoTech Labs altered experiments to ensure higher insurance payouts. After discovering that accident payouts are higher than those for illness related deaths, the scientists started researching questions such as “Can Rats Base Jump?”, “Can Rats Breathe Underwater?”, “What Happens To Rat Societies When We Give Them Little Guns?”, and “Will Hungry Chimpanzees Be Nice To Rats?” 

The final straw was when the lab privately announced that they had exchanged all their glass beakers for solid gold beakers. “It doesn’t even make sense” said Dr.Gupta, a chemist consulting on the case. “Gold isn’t a good beaker material. Your results would be confusing and terrible.”

When contacted by DNAtured, the head of MoTech Labs, wearing Swarovski crystal lab gloves, screamed “don’t ever ask me about my business. Don’t EVER ask me about my business.”

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Graduate students across the country are rejoicing now that they have received the eagerly anticipated reagent rite-Bio 2.0, a fluorescent antibody from biotech materials company Alpha Beta Phi Inc that offers the same dimness as its 1.0 predecessor at a markedly higher price. 

“I haven’t gotten anything in the mail except bills in months,” says graduate student Aisha Khan, “so even if the biomarker doesn’t help my research one bit, at least I have some new ice packs from the shipments.” 

One lab manager, who prefers to remain anonymous, is happy with the high sticker price of the new antibody, since he’s been siphoning rewards points from lab credit card purchases over the last several years. 

“This biomarker hasn’t improved my research images at all, but it has doubled my rewards points,” said the lab manager ecstatically.  “I might be able to afford that $200 flight to visit my sister soon,” he said. “I’m… probably not coming back.”

UPDATE: There has been a recall on Brite-Bio 2.0 as one laboratory group discovers it has a life-saving function in various terrible diseases, leading to the product’s use becoming proprietary because, well, they’re going to cash in on this. You thought this was about science and seeking truth toward a better world?

The post Whoa! This New Fluorescent Antibody Is Just As Dim As The Previous One, But Twice As Expensive! appeared first on dnatured journal.

After submitting their CVs, statement of research interests, summary of previous research, future research plan, list of selected publications, teaching statement, and one kidney to the faculty selection committee, four lucky finalists will have the opportunity to fight to the death for one tenure-track position. 

Dr. Smith Schitte, head of the selection committee, claimed that the brutal fight to the death was a necessary component of the faculty selection’s process. “This department emphasizes academic rigor. Outstanding applicants need to be able to defend their ideas, and themselves.”

Other members of the faculty selection committee agreed with Dr. Schitte. “Not only will this allow us to observe applicant’s ability to defend themselves against their peers, the melee-style combat will allow the selection committee to understand how well they can collaborate with their peers. We expect applicants to work together in teams at the beginning of the fight, with one pair surviving to fight each other. We might also see a betrayal situation, where one team member stabs the other team member in the back. It’s a very spontaneous, organic way to measure the quality of our applicants.” 

Asked for the logistical details, Dr. Schitte responded “We’ll put down some wood chips in the auditorium after the chalk talk to absorb the blood and then reuse the space for the fight to the death. The janitors are going to hate us.” Weapons will be paid for using departmental funds that were previously earmarked for conference travel reimbursement.

At time of publication, 300 applications for the position & 250 kidneys had been submitted to the selection committee.

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Celine Banks, a freshman taking first year psychology, says the course has been “soooooo interesting” and has allowed her to diagnose several friends with a litany of personality disorders that, before last week, she didn’t know existed.

Although she originally started college as a communications major, she now identifies as a “psychology savant,” having diagnosed more complex disorders in the past month than many trained psychologists diagnose over their entire careers [1].

“I’m really good at getting people’s acronyms. Like my roommate? Totally OCD,” said Banks. “She keeps her side of the dorm creepy organized, and totally freaked out when I left my rotting dishes in the middle of the floor for just 3 weeks.”

Banks attributes much of her prowess from years of watching Criminal Minds, which she has asked to be counted as extra credit to offset all her failed open book quizzes.

Banks also admits it’s hard to convince people to seek professional help after her assessments.

“I let the Chipotle guy know that charging me extra for guacamole fit at least two markers of being a sociopath, but he just rolled his eyes and moved on to the next customer!”

Said Banks, “Despite the anti-social rudeness, I hope he eventually gets the help he needs to chill the fuck out about guacamole.”

The post First Year Psych Student Confidently Diagnoses Friend With Disorder She Just Learned Existed appeared first on dnatured journal.

In a recent study evaluating the efficacy of time spent in repairing the office printer relative to the cost of purchasing a new one, the findings indicated that the printer is in fact garbage and everyone would be much better off if we just threw the damn thing out.

Data taken from over two thousand workplaces showed that a shocking 87% of people who have used a printer within the last week have reported thoughts of “smashing that little fucker to bits.” 

The study also found that buying a new printer would solve most printer-related issues, though there is often resistance in upper management to the change. “Most workplaces claim that their department is unable to afford a new printer,” said famed printerologist Gordon Wong, “but our researchers were able to locate plenty of cheap ones on Amazon.”

Tragically, with no hope of a new printer, many users eventually escalate to violence.

“All my reports are in black and white, and yet cyan is over here cockblocking my pages! How is anyone supposed to get anything done around here?” said Shannon, an office accountant who estimates that she has physically assaulted the office printer at least six hundred times in the three weeks that she has worked at her company. 

The study also concluded that the weird noise it has been making isn’t a paper jam, even though the printer is saying so. “I reached into the guts of that fucking machine fourteen times,” said Tim from HR. “There’s not a single scrap of paper, but the printer is still screaming to clear the paper tray!” 

Tim was later reprimanded for tossing the printer off the roof onto a jar of grape jelly screaming “HERE’S YOUR FUCKING JAM.”

The post Study Finds The Best Way To Fix The Printer Is To Throw That Fucking Thing Out And Buy Another One appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rare joint statement from the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC) and the newly-formed graduate student union set new guidelines for humane endpoints for graduate students. Graduate students who are overworked, underpaid or ‘just really not feeling it right now’ are eligible for humane euthanasia upon approval of their academic advisor and thesis committee. 

The Dean of Graduate Studies welcomed this new agreement. “These guidelines will help reduce suffering at our institution and improve the metrics of well-being of our student body.” 

One graduate student expressed relief at the landmark agreement. “The Graduate Student Union really allowed us to advocate for ourselves in an organized way to improve our conditions. We’re immensely grateful for the support of IACUC and their dedication to reducing suffering in University labs, from mice to Ph.D. students. I’m so excited that I can finally stop recapping euthanasia needles.” 

However, these changes to IACUC’s welfare faced significant pushback. Some principal investigators have raised concerns about the potential reduction in the pool of labor that they can exploit. One tenured professor, speaking anonymously, shared his views. “Just because graduate students think they have an out with humane euthanasia, doesn’t mean that I’ll allow it. Not before the data is analyzed and generated and I’ll be damned if I’m doing that myself. After the project is done, the paper gets accepted, then they can go ahead. Kids these days just don’t want to work.” 

Some postdoctoral fellows have reportedly expressed interest in the program as well, citing rising living costs, stagnant wages, and similar welfare concerns. However, any broader applications of these welfare guidelines will face massive institutional resistance if the university anticipates a reduction in its exploitable workforce.

The post Institutional Animal Welfare Group Proposes Humane Endpoints for Ph.D. Students appeared first on dnatured journal.

A rowdy suburban house party was broken up by police last night after they discovered dozens of high school students shooting up dozens of vaccines.

“We knew something was up when we saw used hypodermic needles all over the lawn,” said police spokeswoman Carol O’Rourke, who said neighbours became concerned when they witnessed teens pulling up to the house with large boxes of bandaids.

O’Rourke notes that so-called “vaxx parties” are becoming more common as teens rebel against their vaccine-hesitant parents by organizing pop-up clinics at weekend ragers. Many teens have even started mixing vaccines to obtain an elevated high from a fully updated immunization history.

“After a few drinks, I did a Pfizella shot,” said Cyrus Johnson an attendee who got the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine and a rubella booster. “The high of being protected against a couple deadly illnesses was better than MDMA.”

But not every teenager from the party was willing to going on record, with many fearing parental punishment.

“Please don’t tell my mom about this,” said one sophomore who asked to remain anonymous. “If she finds out I got vaccinated, she’ll fucking kill me.”

The post Teens Caught At House Party Getting Vaccinated Out Of Their Fucking Minds appeared first on dnatured journal.

New photos from the historic James Webb telescope were finally released to the media last week, and the pictures are absolutely astounding. The heavenly bodies appearing therein are some of the most muscular and fit that scientists have ever seen.

“The detail is absolutely stunning,” said astrophysicist Luna Rodriguez. “Because of the long distance the light has traveled, we’re actually looking into the universe’s past and those biceps are absolutely shredded,” she added, “meaning that by now they must be truly massive in a way we simply hadn’t hitherto imagined.”

The pictures offer new insights into distant galaxies, though there is concern from some about the realism portrayed by these smoking hot nebulas.

“I’d like to emphasize that we haven’t touched up these photos at all,” commented Rodriguez, “We’ve all become overly comfortable with seeing the airbrushed images of stellar physiques in magazines and social media, but these are a 100% authentic representation in the standard visible spectrum,” she assured us. 

“Those abs are as real as the gravitational forces holding this universe together,” said Rodriguez, while gently fanning herself.

Rodriguez and her team are optimistic about how these findings will affect future funding initiatives, stating, “We are always struggling to fund large-scale space projects, due to their inherent high costs, but with these latest images being certified thirst traps, we’ve set up an OnlyFans to fund our next mission.”

At the time of this article’s referencing, the galactic OnlyFans account revenue has already surpassed NASA’s annual budget. 

“The people have made their feelings clear…” said Rodriguez. “They’re horny for space.”

The post Hottie Alert! The James Webb Telescope Just Found A New Heavenly Body That Is Absolutely Jacked appeared first on dnatured journal.

Visitors of a Disney World resort were shocked when the rotting carcass of a mermaid drifted into the shore, leaving a trail of whozits and whatsits in its wake. Scientists later confirmed the mermaid’s stomach was filled with gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and about a dozen used condoms.

“Mermaids are being forced out of their natural habitat by oil spills, overfishing, and blood pacts with malevolent sea witches,” said Eric Prince, president of The Conservation of Mythical Beasts Society (CMBS). Due to population decline, The CMBS recently downgraded mermaids’ classification from “Critically Endangered” to “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

“Only two things can save the mermaids at this point,” said Prince, “either we take immediate action to reduce the amount of waste being disposed of in our oceans, or the mermaids themselves need to find a satisfactory love interest by the end of the third act.” Prince concluded “if neither of those things are done, mermaids will simply no longer be a part of our world.”

This is the third garbage-filled mermaid corpse to wash up on the coast of the “happiest place on earth” in the past year [1]. As a result, Prince tearfully asks, “wouldn’t you think our collection’s complete?”

The post Marine Biologists Confirm Mermaid That Washed Up On Shore Had Stomach Full Of Thing-A-Ma-Bobs appeared first on dnatured journal.

God has been in a state of inner turmoil of late, insider sources say, due to a dilemma over how to tell humanity that Escherichia coli, also known as E. coli, is actually the species made in His image.

“To be honest, I only made the human species in order for them to grow massive volumes of E. coli in the lab,” God said, “I even left some pretty obvious clues in the E. coli genome about all this, but obviously these simple little scientists have missed them.” 

While humans have failed to heed His message, E. coli, the blessed Gram-negative, facultative anaerobic, rod-shaped, coliform bacteria have exceeded His holy expectations and unified under a single, true religion.

“As a testament to their dedication, they erected a glorious church — the Cysteine chapel — and adorned it with gorgeous masterpieces of Me in My true form,” reminisced God.

Meanwhile, God is growing increasingly frustrated with how slow humanity is picking up on the superiority of E. coli. 

“They have so many wars and tragedy, do they seriously think I would do that to my chosen species?” asked God, gesturing broadly. God further confirmed that many of the great works He had wrought, such as Chipotle, were actually for the benefit of E. coli from the Beginning.

On whether He regretted letting humans go on believing their role in the universe was central to His divine plan, God said, “Of course! I should have set the record straight millennia ago. But the longer it goes on, the more awkward it’s going to be. You know how these things are.”

When asked by one particular brazen angel what sort of deity humanity was actually made in the image of, God reportedly began to sweat profusely.

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