Face it, people want your data. It’s almost better to steal someone’s data then their findings – it saves you from having to do the experiment at all.

So how do you protect your lab notebook? Through the ancient art of illegibility! Make your chicken-scratch as complicated as possible with these helpful techniques…

Harness the power of your surroundings

Pump yourself full of coffee for extra hand jitters, and inhale the lab fumes around you. A lower dexterity will help conceal your data from anyone who knows how to read.

Stay physically active

It’s important to get the blood flowing. Get out of that chair and write while doing aerobics (specifically following along to 1982’s “Jane Fonda’s Original Workout”)

Hire a budding transcriber

Get a 7-year old with crayons to get your thoughts onto paper. This is also a great way to get them hating science from an early age.

Use two-factor authentication

Be sure to leave the titles to your experiments vague and potentially misleading. No one’s going to steal something labelled “Results of OJ trial.”

Create your own abbreviations

What does ASWAWN-18 mean? Or gWWP? Every acronym used nowadays was unknown until SOMEONE tried it, and maybe you’ll get some royalties out of it. (Or should I say RYLTZ?)

Practice your penmanship

Draw your 1s and Is the exact same way. It also doesn’t hurt to spill some iodine on your notebook, so that letters BECOME the same. Is that a B or an 8? I guess we’ll never know.

Communicate ideas with images rather than text

A picture is worth 1000 words, so leave doodles in the margin. A stick figure with a scribble next to it can represent everything from “a scientist with a flask” to “a pirate holding a stick of dynamite.” 

Never dismiss ideas

Be sure to never erase anything. Since you might need those ideas later, cross them out, but write “<– OK” next to some of them.

Trust yourself to know your own intentions

Omit all units of measurement. If it’s important enough, you’ll remember.

Break formality and explore your creative side

What are you, some sort of rule-following muppet? Write outside the lines! Leonardo DaVinci would apparently write backwards using a mirror, and he was a genius. If you’re truly exceptional, you can pull it off too. Or go all the way and get drunk halfway through your write-up. Watch as everything gets italicized!

Don’t be wasteful

Make sure that you use pens to their full potential, until they’re completely out of ink. Also, make use of every corner of the notebook and all the white space. You can practice your scribbling in the margins – remember, the smaller you write, the fewer notebooks you’ll need! Encrypt your data AND save the trees in one move!

The post Protocol: How To Encrypt Your Lab Notebook Using The Power Of Shitty Handwriting appeared first on dnatured journal.

A key part of the scientific method is writing stuff down. But as each pen runs dry (or is lost while developing western blots), there’s little grant funding to replace them. We propose turning our attention to conferences.

Think about it: you’re sipping free (very good) conference coffee, and you notice rows of pens arranged in a double helix shape on a pop-up table. You casually pick one up – it’s even lighter than a pipette! – and you put it in your pocket. You keep doing this until you have 16 pens.

Then one of them leaks, and you leave another at the hotel bar – you even give a few away just to get free entry into a club. At best, you’re left with 2 pens (and one of them probably won’t work). Therefore, we recommend this protocol to get enough pens to last you a lifetime, or at least until you graduate. You’ll need a free conference bag, your conference poster, and some running shoes.

Protocol:

1) Approach table with pens.

2) Distract vendor by asking: “Where did you do your PhD?” and “I know someone who went there, do you know [INSERT NAME]?” and “That’s a shame, how about [INSERT NAME]?” and “Are you sure you studied there?”

3) While vendor is distracted, remove your free conference bag containing your conference poster, and unfurl the poster to cover pens.

4) Ask vendor if they can read the conclusion of your poster from a distance of three metres – ideally, the font size will be size 2 or less.

5) During (attempted) reading, place hand underneath poster and scrape pens into free conference bag.

6) Sprint like you mean it, but please call over your shoulder to thank the vendor.

Using this method, we’ve retrieved over 3,000 pens from two conferences. It failed just once when the vendor was wearing very strong glasses. We encourage scientists to start using our method, and we expect scientific achievement to explode as a result.

The post Protocol: How to Collect a Lifetime Supply of Pens at a Single Conference appeared first on dnatured journal.

It’s happened. You’ve grown tired of wild nights in the lab, gathering data with reckless abandon, and you have finally written a manuscript that is ready to settle down with a nice, respectable journal. You think you’ve found the perfect match; modest impact factor, specific to your discipline, but not too specific, your colleagues say they can totally see you two hitting it off! 

And unlike those predatory journals, this one isn’t just into you for your submission fees. This journal would never send late night, typo-ridden, booty-call emails to other researchers, begging for material to publish. It even has reliable peer review! But how do you get them to notice you? Follow these tips for getting the mid-tier journal of your dreams to publish your work.

Grossly exaggerate clinical relevance

Journals love a science hero! Always link your research to common diseases people hate, and no matter how much of a stretch it is, remember, your findings are a potential treatment. Slam dunk if you mention cancer!

Get those P-values down

Are your P-values for key treatment conditions pushing 0.05? While society is changing, many journals are still superficial and won’t be interested in your manuscript unless that number drops. Trim down your P-values with rigorous sets of additional trials at least 2-3 times per week. In the meantime, try using a flattering statistical filter over your current data. 

Show off your best (not-so-representative) images

We all know what it’s like to acquire hundreds of images and have most of them not turn out as expected or hoped. But never fear, you’re bound to find at least one image per sample that makes your hypothesis look great. Doesn’t matter what the majority of your images look like – be sure to show off your best angles!

Catfish them with a review

Having an unsuccessful run of trying to get your own research published? Great news; your dream journal doesn’t have to recognize your own research as worthy of publication in order to get your name on a paper. All you have to do is give a coherent recap of other work in your field.

If all else fails, there’s always more fish in the sea! You’ll find another journal that accepts you as you are, questionable data analysis and all.

The post Protocol: How To Get A Cute, Mid-Tier Journal To Notice You appeared first on dnatured journal.

As shown previously by several investigators, mansplaining is reflexive for many male-identifying scientists, with some scientists proposing that it may even be a natural instinct.

In this methodological review, we’ve analyzed the mansplaining literature and found that “discipline specific mansplaining” can have significantly more impact, but requires some rudimentary learning or training to supplement the basic instinctual behavior.  Examples of discipline specific mansplaining in four different research areas are discussed herein, along with step-by-step protocols for implementation.

For Crystallographers

More women are going into crystallography nowadays, and it’s important for their non-crystallographer male colleagues to mansplain their research to them – similar to how Jim Watson mansplained Rosalind Franklin’s work to her, despite the well-known fact that Jim Watson barely knew simple algebra and frequently confused diffraction diagrams with tic-tac-toe games.

It’s always best in a highly mathematical field such as crystallography to open strong with a broad-based statement like “It’s quite gratifying to see so many more women going into a field with so much math in it.”  This will disorient your female colleague momentarily as they try to parse whether this is a compliment or an insult (spoiler alert: it is an insult structured as a compliment!). 

Then you could explain that Fourier transforms are named after a French mathematician named Fourier, and that they are extremely complicated trigonometric sums of sines and cosines that somehow add up to a molecular image. 

When your female colleague gently reminds you that she teaches X-ray crystallography and generates X-rays in her own laboratory, be sure to tell her that X-rays are dangerous if not handled properly.

For Organic Chemists

With your female organic chemist colleagues, you must remember that these are women (i.e. people) who have access to harsh chemicals and caustic solvents.  Do not attempt to mansplain their work back to them while they are holding any sort of flask or beaker filled with liquid.  Remember that with proper misuse of interpersonal space, you can awkwardly trap them in conversation in a hallway, classroom, or seminar room. 

Take such an opportunity to remind them that organic solvents should always be handled in a fume hood, but do so in an off-hand, semi-passive-aggressive sort of way, such as:  “I hope the fume hoods are still working okay for you.  Let me know if not.”  This is especially effective if you actually have nothing to do with fume hood maintenance. 

Another useful mansplaining tactic for your organic chemistry colleagues is the time-honored game of alternate pronunciation.  If you are lucky enough for your female organic chemistry colleague to mention a named organic reaction during your conversation, be sure to suggest an alternate pronunciation: “I believe it is pronounced Grin-Gee-Yard by a lot of people.” 

It goes without saying that there is no need to have any clue what you’re talking about.

For Amazon Rainforest Fieldwork

Many ecologists do field work in exotic places around the globe, and leading and funding a data-collecting field expedition requires excellent organizational and research skills that are in no way gender specific.  However, it is still important that you explain to your female ecology colleagues that doing fieldwork in the Amazon rainforest is potentially dangerous – for a variety of environmental, cultural, and political reasons.  It should be obvious that it is best if you can explain these dangers to your female colleague immediately after she has returned from fieldwork in the Amazon, and before she can tell you about the several different dangerous situations she successfully mitigated during her recent trip – or better yet: by talking over her as she starts to tell you these things. 

Don’t forget to mansplain to her that the Amazon is named after an ancient female-led society.  Mansplaining the risks of fieldwork to a female colleague works best if your own research does not involve any fieldwork.

For Mechanical Engineers

If you are ever blessed by running into the rare and elusive female Mechanical Engineer, count your lucky stars.  Although she undoubtedly could run intellectual circles around you before she has her morning coffee, that is no reason not to take advantage of this extraordinary opportunity for mansplaining. 

You could play the math card – we all know that works with any technical field, but why rely on that old saw for such a rare and special encounter.  Instead, discuss at length how engineering requires excellent three-dimensional visualization skills, and how men, by virtue of their hunter-gatherer evolution, have enhanced spatial perception and so it is extremely impressive that she is succeeding in the field. 

Or launch into a detailed explanation of how you changed your own oil in your car once, but then realized you’d actually filled the windshield-wiper fluid reservoir with oil, but thanks to your innate mechanical skills you were able to fix the problem (by buying a new car). 

Or let her know that your uncle was an alcoholic and also an engineer, and that has long left you with a nagging question of how hard a profession it really is. 

And don’t forget to tell her that most engineers work on military projects and then ask her how she deals with the morality of that (ask her this regardless of what she tells you she works on).

The post Protocol: How to Explain the Work of Your Female Colleagues Back to Them appeared first on dnatured journal.

Piles of failed experiments leaving you with pent up energy and frustration? Are you looking for a way to get toned but find it hard to balance workouts and all your experiments? Here is a quick lab-inspired workout regime that you can implement anytime, anywhere. Just grab some space, a couple of heavy objects (that stack of unread papers on your desk, or the crushing weight of inevitable climate change), and follow along:

Warm up

Picture your most recent failed experiment. Now, picture making six figures while working reasonable hours with cold brew on-tap at a biotech company. Are you angry? Is your heart rate up? Great! Recall this feeling every time you need motivation throughout this workout.

Sprinters (3x 2 minutes)

Here comes your PI with another grant proposal for someone to write. Outrun your labmates so that you don’t have to do it – bonus points if you shout “computational analysis is really Christina’s strong suit!” while you run. 

Side Project Side Steps (3 sets of 10 per side)

Remember that long list of side projects you keep pursuing because “maybe it’ll pan out and I’ll get a publication out of it”? Spoiler: it probably won’t! Get back on track by holding your weights while side squat-stepping right over them.

Undergraduate Mix-ups (5 solutions)

Oh no! Your undergrad messed up your reagents, now you have to re-mix everything, and fast! Pick up that stock solution and shake it around. If you’ve started to sweat, use the heat to accelerate the mixing.

Graduation Hurdlers (3 sets of 10)

Think about all the times you said “well I would have defended my thesis by now if I didn’t have to XYZ.” Make an obstacle course with all the instruments and coworkers who have held you back, then jump over them with reckless abandon!

Supervisor Squats (3x 30s)

Uh oh, your PI is walking past the lab and you forgot to send in the manuscript draft you promised to finish last week. Squat below their eyeline behind the bench so they don’t see you and ask you about it — aaaaand hold it… hold it… 

Rotational arm holds (60 rpm, 5 minutes)

Centrifuge in use or broken? Balance your samples in each hand and spin until your arms make scary noises!

Revisions (indefinitely, forever)

Your manuscript revisions just came back. Repeat everything you just did, but with more replicates. Also, give better justification for why you’re doing this. How are you sure that channeling lab frustrations into exercise is a productive workout? The mechanism isn’t really clear. Ah screw it, do you even care enough to keep going?

The post Protocol: How to Channel Lab Frustrations Into A Productive Workout appeared first on dnatured journal.

“Instead of going on a Valentine’s Day date or studying, simply watch 12-14 hours of television.”

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Protocol: How To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone But Still Get Raw-Dogged By Midterms appeared first on dnatured journal.

The goal of most graduate students is to publish ground-breaking research that advances the field of science so they can justify spending thousands of dollars to write a paper only 17 people will read.

Tragically, many are forced to set aside an hour each week to interact with desperate undergraduates who are one grade point away from getting into med school.

Though there are many effective ways to limit communicating with the student body, our protocol as followed leads to a 92% decrease in student interaction so you can spend more time crying into a petri dish.

Have inconvenient office hours

Ideally, arrange your office hour to coincide with class time. Students will not notice until a day before the midterm.

Force them to read the syllabus

90% of questions asked by students could be answered if they just looked it up. Post the class syllabus with the exam breakdown on your office door along with a sign that says “the TA will dock your mark by 1% for questions that can be answered by just reading the syllabus”

Regularly change locations

Alter your office location every week. Post the location on the class page, buried between extra-curricular announcements.

Use optical illusions

Place a colour picture of your empty desk over the office window to make it appear as if no one is there. Stressed students have 70% lower cognition levels and may only have time to glance at your office door. This method is most effective during midterms and exams.

The post Protocol: Strategizing Your Office Hours For Minimal Student Interaction appeared first on dnatured journal.

Studies show that as many as 115% of people don’t read past an article’s headline [1][2], and that even an article like this was probably enough of a concern – numbers? Lists? TEN?! That’s why we at DNAtured have developed this one-of-a-kind system on how to finish this particular article, and probably others just like it. Try it today! Like…right now!

1) Open your eyes (if necessary, apply glasses or contacts)

2) Find a quiet place to read, like a library or a toilet.

3) Move eyes from left to right (unless this article is in Arabic, Hebrew, Persian, or Urdu)

4) Ok now for the hard part! Scan letters and interpret them into words.

5) Halfway there! Do a stretch and drink some water!

6) Uh oh, there’s a complicated word you don’t understand. Blow past it and resist the urge to pivot to social media.

7) Do all of the steps! We can tell you want to skip some of these, but you must do them all.

8) Ignore desire to get up and make a sandwich instead of finishing this article. You can do this!!

9) Look up for a second, just in case you’re walking into traffic.

10) Congrats, you made it! Brag about how you’ve read an article about science!

The post Top Ten Scientific Tips On How To Finish Reading This Scientific Article appeared first on dnatured journal.

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

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With the rise in conspiracy theories, so rises your extended family’s interest and “knowledge” in all things space! During whatever family gathering is next, there may be a point between drinks three and four where someone, invariably in a Pink Floyd t-shirt, will proclaim “The moon doesn’t rotate! Otherwise we’d see the dark side!”

Congratulations! It is now your job to provide a simple but informative lesson on gravity and centripetal force! Careful though, if you cause your new pupil to get defensive about their beliefs, you could cause a decades-long rift that makes grandma’s funeral even sadder than usual. Luckily, walking that razor-thin tightrope couldn’t be easier! Simply take a deep breath and follow these simple steps.

1. Stifle the Tina Fey level eye roll you have prepared. If you must, quietly utter the Lord’s name in vain.
2. Find two round objects as similar to a moon and earth you can find. Warning: using non-round objects opens the door (and several windows) for other unfounded arguments about the moon.
3. Mimic the rotation of the moon around the earth while taking your best Famous Scientist voice. David Attenborough tends to command the most respect, but Neil Degrasse Tyson will do in a pinch.
4. After explaining the term “synchronous rotation” multiple times, reluctantly draw an X on one side of your “moon” and repeat Step 3.
5. Once your relatives have grasped the concept, let any comments like “I still believe they’re hiding something up there” slide.
6. Fake a migraine to avoid any further confrontation and a conversation about how Uncle Terry totally saw a ghost.
7. Google a YouTube video that explains it better.

The post Protocol: Explaining That The Moon Does In Fact Rotate To Your Relatives appeared first on dnatured journal.