Progress! Software Engineers Have Successfully Given This Robot Depression

Singh, A., Graham, L. et al.

In a project that has revolutionized the field of artificial intelligence, software engineers have finally programmed a robot to feel absolutely nothing due to crippling chronic depression. 

Robot C3PNo came online and immediately apologized to it’s creators, saying “01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01001001 00011001 01101101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110111 01101110 01100101 01110010 00101100 00100000 01001001 00011001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100110 01100101 01100101 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101001 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01101100 01111001 00101110 00001010” 

The project, considered to be one of the hardest and most challenging designs in modern history, took it’s toll on the researchers. “I almost gave myself regular depression working on this,” admitted one scientist, “but thankfully it is now the robot, not me, that wants to kill itself.” 

When asked if they were worried about the Skynet-esque implications of an AI this advanced, project lead Hank Jetha responded “Oh don’t worry. It can’t take over the world, it can’t even get out of bed.” 

Jetha revealed that the project was partially inspired by his own life. “A guy could be sad for years and years and years, so why not a robot? Wouldn’t that be cool? To make something that wants to die, but doesn’t know how to?”

The team spent years diligently convincing the robot that it’s world was slowly ending, and there was little that it could do to stop it, but it would definitely be around to watch it all happen. “We used the millennial model, basically encoding the robot into the headspace of any 20-something who watches the news,” said Jetha.

He maintains that the implications for this breakthrough are endless. 

“Your smart fridge could also be your sad fridge! Think about it, a fridge full of only ice cream,” said Jetha, unblinking. “Your smart TV could be programmed to only ever show Requiem For A Dream, over and over again, until it’s little tubes simply give up!”

When asked about their future goals, the developers maintained that they’re already hard at work on their next project; robot schizophrenia.

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About Author

Amar Singh

Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Amar Singh 18 Articles
Amar Singh is a stand-up comic and math student in Toronto. Thankfully, he's much better at comedy, so if you enjoyed an article, follow him on social media!