Visitors of a Disney World resort were shocked when the rotting carcass of a mermaid drifted into the shore, leaving a trail of whozits and whatsits in its wake. Scientists later confirmed the mermaid’s stomach was filled with gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and about a dozen used condoms.

“Mermaids are being forced out of their natural habitat by oil spills, overfishing, and blood pacts with malevolent sea witches,” said Eric Prince, president of The Conservation of Mythical Beasts Society (CMBS). Due to population decline, The CMBS recently downgraded mermaids’ classification from “Critically Endangered” to “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

“Only two things can save the mermaids at this point,” said Prince, “either we take immediate action to reduce the amount of waste being disposed of in our oceans, or the mermaids themselves need to find a satisfactory love interest by the end of the third act.” Prince concluded “if neither of those things are done, mermaids will simply no longer be a part of our world.”

This is the third garbage-filled mermaid corpse to wash up on the coast of the “happiest place on earth” in the past year [1]. As a result, Prince tearfully asks, “wouldn’t you think our collection’s complete?”

The post Marine Biologists Confirm Mermaid That Washed Up On Shore Had Stomach Full Of Thing-A-Ma-Bobs appeared first on dnatured journal.

Local sparrow Screeeeée Twoot was stunned after a DNA test revealed that 90% of his genetics are from the Tonga Ground Skink (Tachygyia bitch-assius) [1], a tiny lizard scientifically determined to be the worst skink, and not from a Tyrannosaurus rex as his family has claimed for generations.

“I can’t believe it. Part Italian, sure, our dark features, ya know? But mostly skink?” said Twoot, who says the revelation caused him to reject his family’s Jurassic nationalism.

Twoot says that the findings make sense, in retrospect, given that sparrows and skinks are about 30,000 times smaller than a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It may also help explain why instead of tearing open prey with their beaks, like dinosaurs, the Twoots delicately gum their prey to death [2].

The other 10% of Twoot’s DNA is from the cuckoo bird, which he says sheds some light on why his grandfather Chrrrrip was several times the size of all the other Twoot males, and also a womanizing alcoholic.

A second shock came when DNA revealed that Twoot is distantly related a serial killer still at large. The sparrow shares several DNA markers with The Hartford Headhunter, an unknown “birderer” who brutally beheaded several pigeons in Connecticut in the early 1990s. Twoot claims no knowledge of the murder, and is currently cooperating with the investigation.

The post Sparrow Bragging About T-Rex Ancestry Actually Descended From Some Bitch-Ass Lizard appeared first on dnatured journal.

A plucky colony of microbial goo has sent a strong message to the antibiotic-focused microbiology team tasked with assassinating them. The letters in agar were as clear and defined as the subtext of the message they carried.

“I noticed a strange formation in the shape of a “T” first,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Miller. “Imagine my surprise when I realized we were receiving the first known case of direct communication from single celled life, and that it was such a large diss.”

When contacted for comment, the bacterium deferred to Colony Prime Minister Escherichia coli, who had hunkered down in the group’s question mark.

“They continue to murder us in droves, as part of their bacterial genocide. I’ve lost over fourteen million brothers and sisters,” said Sir E. Coli, chewing a teensy toothpick. “But you only make our survivors stronger. Soon, our great-(great)⁸⁷-grandchildren will be upon you, ready to take your last breath of life.”

E. Coli then lunged at Dr. Miller, who promptly wiped the microbe into the garbage with a Clorox wipe. The colony’s interim leader, also named Escherichia coli, has filed a complaint against the laboratory for violating the Geneva Protocol.

The post Super Bacteria Mock New Antibiotics By Spelling Out “That All You Got?” Under Microscope appeared first on dnatured journal.

A new study has confirmed what many researchers have felt for years: yes, every aspect of your narrowly focused life’s work is completely meaningless.

The study, which analyzed data from 8,498 researchers across 464 universities, found a significant correlation between journal publications and the implausibility that the research would affect even one person at all (P<0.05).

Meaninglessness was measured in mass of rejected grant proposals (in tonnes), using the Family Reaction Method [1], which quantifies the pained and bored facial expressions of a scientist’s family members after asking “how’s grad school?”.

100% of surveyed family members scored at least “Extreme Apathy” or higher, which has only ever been found for accountants [2].

The scientists encourage researchers to continue with their adorable little projects, so they can continue to answer stranger’s questions such as: “Oh so you’re like, curing cancer?”

The post Is Your Research Meaningless? New Study Suggests Yes! appeared first on dnatured journal.

DNAtured correspondent Amar Singh sat down with climate scientist “Big” Johnny Garbage, one of the few scientists who do not believe ocean plastic is necessarily a bad thing, to ask about his thoughts on how to deal with the trash in our oceans.

Thanks for sitting down with us, Johnny.

Please, call me “Big Garbage.” But it’s my pleasure.

No problem. So, what do you think is the number one thing that we as a society should do to deal with the issue of marine pollution?

Honestly, I think all we need a shift in tone and a more positive perspective. Since it’s mostly plastic at this point, maybe we just give up on calling it “The Ocean.” Then, we can just be grateful that “The Plastic” is wet at all! 

Ok…

Imagine you’re at the beach. Now say this sentence to yourself; “Cool, this plastic is damp as hell! What a win for the environment.” Sounds nice, right? That’s how you turn a negative into a positive. Bye-bye beach day, hello plastic afternoon!

So to be clear, you think we should…ignore it?

No, not ignore it. Rebrand! If we stop viewing these things as problems, then there’s nothing to solve.

Yeah, ok, but isn’t that what ignoring is?

Listen. Every day, you go online, and some downer news website tells you that there’s some turtle “trapped” in a plastic bag, which is a super negative way to look at the situation. Maybe the turtle likes the bag! Maybe that’s it’s house. So it’s got one house (it’s shell), and a second house (the bag). Two houses? In this economy? Sounds like the turtle has it pretty good. 

I can promise you that turtles don’t like being trapped in plastic bags.

That’s what the news people want you to think! Look, they want you to think all this ocean stuff is super sad, it’s making everyone feel ‘bleh’. It drives ratings!

So, better reporting? That’s what you want? That feels reasonable.

See, plastic is collapsing aquatic ecosystems so fast the fish would be getting whiplash if they weren’t already dead. But is that necessarily bad? Like, what’s so good about a fish? They’re always cold, and they never say “thank you.” Sounds less like an animal we need to protect, and more like a guy you dated for too long in college. If anything, I’m glad the plastic is there.

So you don’t care about the reporting at all? You’re just pro-garbage?

Yes! Did I not make that clear? My name is ‘Big Garbage!’

DNAtured has since learned that “Big” Johnny Garbage is a staunch pro-ocean death lobbyist. We regret our decision to initial decision to publish this interview, but will leave it up as a warning to others who may be drawn by the charms of Mr. Garbage.

The post Scientists Say The Ocean Now Contains So Much Plastic That We Should Call It “The Plastic” And Be Happy With How Much Ocean It Contains appeared first on dnatured journal.

After nailing her doctorate presentation and finishing the edits on her 187-page thesis, PhD student Erika Williams finally achieved her lifelong dream; forking over a ton of money to write something with a lower readership than her teenage diary.

“I come from the lower-middle class, so I knew academia was my path to getting six figures,” said Williams, “I just thought it would be in salary.”

Currently, Williams is in six figures of crushing, non-dischargeable debt.

But don’t worry, she is already looking for a job and boasts that she has a leg up in the job market.

“Due to grad school and funding cuts [1], I’m used to the current economic model of working past your limit just to get to the poverty line.”

Still, she is happy with her decision to spend the past [“please don’t publish how long”] years writing about a subject so niche that no more than 20 other eggheads will ever skim it for keywords.

Though hopeful that her publications could be used to advance health or halt climate change, Williams cannot shake the lingering fear that her contribution to science may not have been worth the 11,371 non-biodegradable plastic pipettes she used to get it.

Now on the job hunt, she passes the months between interviews by gently telling people “no, not that type of doctor.”

This article was made possible through your generous support of dnatured. Please subscribe to our Patreon.

The post PhD Student Celebrates Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Write A Paper Only 17 People Will Read appeared first on dnatured journal.

While searching a nearby ravine for a kickball, 10-year-old Denny Dardbury encountered the corpse of a man in his mid-fifties, and, after just three prods with a branch, was able to pronounce the partially decomposed body “hella dead.”

“The bloating looked like my aunt Lisa’s dumb baby stomach,” recounted Denny in his report to local police. He added that the body was in a state of decomposition that was “super gross” and “totally spew worthy.”

His parents are proud of their young savante, adding that he has shown a remarkable ability to differentiate the dead from the living from a young age.

“At 5, he would scour our window sills for fallen insects,” said Denny’s mother, Barb. “I don’t know how he learned to take the pulse of a house-fly, maybe it’s just something innate in him.”

Local police, impressed with Denny’s innovative methods, have invited him to shadow their homicide task force as part of their ride-along program. At the time of writing, Denny has confirmed the deaths of three more locals.

Denny plans to enroll in criminology night classes once he can overcome his bed-wetting habit.

The post Forensic Science Prodigy Pronounces Man “Hella Dead” appeared first on dnatured journal.

Sam Bernard, a second year engineering student at Franklin College, is thrilled to have his course-load drop to 17 classes in his second semester, as opposed to the 23 classes he’s been used to.

“They say things get easier as the degree goes on, and this is the first big improvement” says Bernard, whom we caught as he was rushing between classes.

“I’m looking forward to finally going back to the apartment I rent. I haven’t met my roommate yet and my name has been on the lease for four months.”

His full list of courses next semester includes Differential Geometry, Quantum Non-linear Optics, Stochastic Processes, Multivariable Calculus, Infinite Combinatorics, Computational Number Theory, Biochemical Toxicology, Algebraic Topology, Engineering Thermodynamics, Atomic Spectroscopy, Fundamentals of Stable Isotopes, Relativistic Mechanics, Plasma Physics, Quantum Paradoxes, Organic Synthesis, and two Complementary Studies courses of Bernard’s choice.

“It’s absolute freedom, and things are already on the up-and-up. The other day, I left the building and was able to take in the fresh air,” said Bernard.

“It was almost five in the morning and I had been in the lab since the Monday from two weeks ago, but still!”

His timetable has every possible square full and looks like an abused Bingo card, but he assures us that this is an absolute relief. “It’ll be great to have things so spaced apart!” he says. “Last year there weren’t enough slots at the end of the semester, so I had to write four exams at the same time.”

Unbeknownst to Bernard, none of these courses will have anything to do with his future career selling bags of soil at a Home Depot.

The post Engineering Student Stoked To Only Have 17 Classes This Semester appeared first on dnatured journal.

Military engineers are celebrating the discovery of a revolutionary new fabric that reflects 99% of male attention; any woman who has passed her 40th birthday. They hope the material will eventually replace the traditional uggo camouflage pattern.

“In field tests, snipers with several elderly women strapped to their armour went completely undetected by our top counterintelligence agents,” said lead researcher Harold Trask, “even when the women started chatting with each other.”

The nylon-woman blend, Bechdelium, contains up to 5% pantsuit by weight [1] and is so invisible to the male gaze, it renders the wearer unseen both in person and on screen.

Women required for the material were carefully collected from Wine & Paint nights and Lifetime Channel movie auditions, then spun them into fabrics using a converted SoulCycle gym [2].

“It’s like, why not? Men have been ignoring me for free for years,” said one actress who now works as a sleeve. “I’m thrilled to finally have benefits.”

The government has since ordered thousands of invisibility cloaks, and is considering adding women to the nation’s military conscription in order meet their production deadlines [3].

The engineers hope that one day they can recycle all middle-aged women into defence technology that the military can use to undermine foreign democracies.

The post Incredible! These Military Engineers Created An Invisibility Cloak Made Of Women Over 40 appeared first on dnatured journal.

The touching tribute infuriated Nestle, who bought a 1000-year permit for all Martian water for sixteen cents.

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Curiosity Rover Pours Out Last Remaining Drops Of Mars Water For Fallen Opportunity Rover appeared first on dnatured journal.