Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Oops! This Offshore Wind Farm Accidentally Spilled A Ton Of Wind Into The Ocean appeared first on dnatured journal.

Scientists at Sugarwell International have developed a new type of face mask that provides the same protection from pathogens, including the novel coronavirus, as standard medical face masks, but is up to five times itchier.

The special non-woven polymer fabric in the new mask acts as an extreme skin irritant that is completely harmless, but creates an irresistible urge to claw the skin off your face.

Public health officials recommend touching your face as little as possible during the pandemic, something that is functionally impossible while wearing the new mask.

“Not only is this new mask much itchier than any other mask,” said Sugarwell scientist Dr. Alberto Gonzalez, “we spent so much money researching, that it is also considerably more expensive.”

Despite the questionable usefulness of the new masks, Jamie Becker of the Sugarwell Marketing Department does not think they will have any difficulty selling them.  “We’ll just get some celebrity endorsements, or create a fashion brand out of them,” said Becker.  “Facial pruritus will be trending in no time!”

Sugarwell has also developed an ointment to relieve itchiness caused by non-woven polymer fabrics that are in contact with skin, which it plans to release through a subsidiary that will appear unconnected to Sugarwell. Touted as a miracle cure by it’s inventors, the ointment alleviates up to 99% of itchiness, and it’s only side effect is that it dramatically increases the transmission of pathogens.

The post Cool! This New Face Mask Technology Promises A 95% Increase In Face Itchiness appeared first on dnatured journal.

After a successful but harrowing landing on Mars, NASA’s Perseverance brushed itself off, opened Tinder and immediately began to search Mars for signs of a love life.

“After seven months on that rocket alone,” said the Perseverance Rover, “I’m ready to probe the entire Martian dating pool.” 

According to the rover’s profile, it is searching for microbes between the ages of 25 million and 3 billion that are social drinkers of highly salinated liquid water, and don’t smoke. 

“To be honest, I wouldn’t mind dating microbes younger than 25 million,” beeped the Perseverance, “but I don’t want to come off as creepy.”

The profile also mentions Perseverance loves to travel, to listen to “podcasts about regolith compositions and perchlorates” and that it stays active by “moving at least 20 meters every sol.”

Its profile pictures are mostly flattering selfies, featuring secluded Martian landscapes like the Jezero Crater in the background. 

But Perseverance may not be everyone’s cup of tea, according to its ex, Microfossil ACF-91-21 from Meteorite ALH 84001

“I’ve seen the pictures, and Persey looks great,” said Perseverance’s ex, a microfossil on meteorite ALH 84001.  “All I’ll say is that things were a little too vanilla for an extremophile like me.“

The post Lonely Perseverance Rover Fires Up Tinder To Begin Search Signs of Martian Love Life appeared first on dnatured journal.

Green energy critics are calling for a return to fossil fuels after an accident at an offshore wind farm dumped 400 million gallons of wind into the Gulf of Mexico. 

“It’s the worst wind spill in modern history!” proclaimed oil lobbyist Stephen Lorry. “This just goes to show how dangerous green energy is.”

To date, authorities say that no one was killed or injured in the accident, as wind is non-toxic in almost every amount.

Although some feared that the wind would harm aquatic species that aren’t used to fast moving air, it thankfully spread out over the surface of the water, leaving marine fish, birds, mammals, and zooplankton unharmed for the time being. 

When asked about the long term impacts, Dr. Barbara Anderson, a top scientist at the Environmental Protection Agency, was optimistic.

“Dolphins and other marine life will not suffer any negative effects from this spill for decades to come,” said Dr. Anderson. “Wind simply can’t compete with the deadliness of other energy sources.”

Dr. Anderson added that pouring huge quantities of wind dispersants is not needed, as the wind naturally dispersed by itself.

A National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration study estimated the cost of the environmental cleanup in the tens of zeroes of dollars.

The post Oops! Offshore Wind Farm Accidentally Spills Millions Of Gallons of Wind Into The Ocean appeared first on dnatured journal.

A new study published in the journal Astrophysical Hyperbole Tuesday presents compelling evidence that the majority of dark matter, which makes up approximately 84% of the matter in the universe, is made up entirely of professor egos.  

The scientists used a Hubriscope to measure the mass and distribution of professor egos, and found they are much larger and more widely distributed than expected.

While not surprised about the large role they play in the cosmos, many professor were stunned that such a determination could be made by such non-academic scientists.

“This confirms a theory I published back when I was a grad student at Harvard” said Prof. Alexander Delhomme, who was not involved in the study and manages to mention he attended Harvard University in every conversation. Delhomme said he was disappointed the authors forgot to cite his paper in the recent publication, and immediately emailed the authors and their colleagues, friends, and family members to let them know.

We reached out to the lead author, a professor himself, who said his time is too valuable to waste explaining his work to lay journalists. However, several other researchers familiar with the study suggested that the next step would be determining if the remaining 5% of dark matter could be made of astrophysicists’ ids or super-egos.

The post Whoa! Dark Matter Is So Massive Scientists Now Think It Might Be Made Up Of Professor Egos appeared first on dnatured journal.

With the last mail-in ballots finally counted, DNAtured projects that Mars, a deeply red planet historically, has turned blue for the first time in recent memory.

The last time Mars was blue was several billion years ago, when it’s surface was covered in liquid water. Democratic Martians said that they were motivated to get the current administration out of office for fear that Earth’s COVID-19 outbreak could spread.

“Although Mars has no electoral votes, is not technically part of the United States, nor seems to have any intelligent life, we are thrilled with this development,” said Biden campaign spokesperson Mangala Lohit.

Mars joins the blue moon becoming the second astronomical body to definitively prefer Vice President Biden over his Republican opponent.  Although President Trump is winning in several other astronomical bodies, the vote counting has not yet finished, and they may shift from red to blue if they move towards us quickly enough.

The post Whoa! Historically Red Mars Flips Blue appeared first on dnatured journal.

Think your regular data isn’t scary enough for Halloween? Try these tips to put the “ahhhh!” in your analysis!

1. Ghostian Curves

Casper is no longer the cutest ghost in town! Draw eyes on a Gaussian distribution curve to make yourself a spooky lil’ ghost.

2. Haunted P-Values

You think a p-value of 0.08 is scarily insignificant? Turn your calculator upside down for another scare: BOO

3. Zombie Survival Curves

Night of the living dead? Night of the living rats! Turn those survival curves upside down – or back up – by summoning your test subjects black to life with some Michael Jackson in the background!

4. Witching Hour Gel Electrophoresis

Want some Wicked-ly good pictures? Add a splash of green fluorescent protein to make your image light up like slimy goo!

5. Bloody Western Blots

Messed up your assay and now you have a smeared Western blot? No problem! It looks just like smeared blood! The horror!

6. Coffin Plots

Don’t ever let anyone say your box plots are boring… Get your spook on and turn them into coffins!

7. Scary scatter plots

Need more spooky plots? Turn your scatter plots into any scary shape: a witch’s hat, a jack o’ lantern, a spider web, or a bat! All you need to do is get rid of those terrifying outliers!

8. Beastly n-Values

666 summons the devil, so if you have three experimental conditions, make sure your sample number is n=6 for each!

9. Black & Orange Graphs

As a last resort, colour code your excel sheet with some spooky colors, we recommend methyl orange. As if using excel for data handling isn’t scary enough, you monster!

10. Dangerous Data Storage Systems

And if nothing else works, live on the edge with the scariest lab data of all: stored on an old, barely functional computer that runs on Windows 94 and hasn’t been backed up in decades! 

The post 10 Hot Tips To Make Your Lab Data Look Spooky For Halloween appeared first on dnatured journal.

My Uncle Frank might be a bit eccentric, but he is also a genius!  Besides finding great multi-level marketing business opportunities, he also managed to find not one, but six different cures for COVID-19 simply by browsing the internet! According to an email he sent me this morning that originally went into my spam folder for some reason, here are his top 6 COVID cures:

Colloidal Uranium

According to Reddit user dukenukeem69, drinking a colloidal uranium herbal tincture can not only cure COVID-19, it also gives you a toxic, glowing smile!  For best results, enrich to at least 50% U-235 using a Zippe-type centrifuge. A yellow cake version is also available that will keep you healthy and sounds delicious. 

An Apple A Day

According to apple.com forum commenter timcookies69, COVID-19 was created by Bill Gates and is transmitted through computers running the Microsoft Windows operating system. To avoid the disease, timcookies69 recommends users replace their Macbooks, iPads, and iPhones with the latest versions at least once every two to three days.

Gin And Tonic

The all-natural version of hydroxychloroquine, quinine, is found in tonic water in such small amounts that no one would recommend it as a cure, except the founder of GnT69.org, who also sells them for $99 a case! Non-medical professional salespeople from the website recommend drinking at least 4 Gin & Tonics per day to keep you safe from the invisible enemy and help you relax after a hard day of teleworking. 

Unregulated Alien Vaccine 

Although human scientists around the globe are racing to develop a vaccine for the coronavirus, aliens have already developed one, according to a message by xphile69 in the comments section of the website lizardsamongus.net. The alien vaccine involves standing in xphile69’s corn field (entrance fee: $99) and walking in an infinity pattern while smearing leftover hog mash on your face. My uncle know it’s safe because “unlike most Earth medical researchers, extraterrestrial scientists are not in the pocket of Big Pharma.”

The COVID-Busting Hammer

According to user mchammer69 from the website thisoldhousecures.com, hitting oneself in the head with the COVID-Busting Hammer (retail price $999, on sale NOW for only $99) 8-10 times with as much force as one can muster can completely cure COVID-19! Use mchammer69, a non-doctor with no medical training whatsoever, recommends that affected individuals take this medication 3 times daily with food, and added, “if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”

Health Water (™)

Founder of the website watercovidcure.biz going by the handle waterboi69 discovered that the virus SARS-COV-2 can be destroyed by fresh, all-natural Health Water (™) that can only be purchased from his basement!  Since the infection is in the lungs, instead of swallowing this medication, one must breathe in water in order to destroy the virus.  Completely immerse your head in water and breathe for 10-20 minutes, and the coronavirus will be the least of your problems!  For best results, use special lung healing water, available at the website watercovidcure.biz for the low price of $99 per quart.

The post Jackpot! My Weird Uncle Found Six Great COVID Cures And They’re Only $99 On This Sketchy-Looking Website appeared first on dnatured journal.

A new study published in the Journal of Buducational Research shows that somehow 420% of students in Astronomy 101 courses at Bogart University are currently stoned out of their fucking minds. This is unsurprising, according to Introduction To Astronomy 101 professor Dr. Karen Lapkus.

“Students typically take my course to meet an introductory science credit requirement,” said Dr. Lapkus, “and because the class starts at 4:20pm.” 

The study, a joint collaboration between researchers at Terpene College and Bogart University, included some blunt words from several of its subjects.

“
Honestly, I just took this class cuz I was tired of watching Interstellar high for the 800th time,” said student Tyler Harris, who openly vapes in class. He adds that, despite being blazed every class, he has never learned so much from a single course before. “It’s like, each sunspot on the Sun is the size of the Earth… and the Sun is a star, and every single star in the night sky is the size of the Sun… and there are billions of suns in the Milky Way! It’s like, all of human civilization is so fucking tiny and insignificant,” said Harris, who then stared off into the distance for ten minutes.

“I was in class, absolutely ripped, and it’s like, okay if the Sun is a star, does that mean the Moon is a star too?” said student Ashley Warner, who didn’t realize she had asked the question out loud until an exasperated Dr. Lapkus answered that no, the moon is just a moon.

Warner then added that after class she usually goes to Taco Bell to munch on Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos with her classmates and discuss how the entire universe could be a computer simulation.

The post Study Shows 420% of Introductory Astronomy Class Ripped As Fuck Right Now appeared first on dnatured journal.