Jackpot! My Weird Uncle Found Six Great COVID Cures And They’re Only $99 On This Sketchy-Looking Website

Finch, D. et al

My Uncle Frank might be a bit eccentric, but he is also a genius!  Besides finding great multi-level marketing business opportunities, he also managed to find not one, but six different cures for COVID-19 simply by browsing the internet! According to an email he sent me this morning that originally went into my spam folder for some reason, here are his top 6 COVID cures:

Colloidal Uranium

According to Reddit user dukenukeem69, drinking a colloidal uranium herbal tincture can not only cure COVID-19, it also gives you a toxic, glowing smile!  For best results, enrich to at least 50% U-235 using a Zippe-type centrifuge. A yellow cake version is also available that will keep you healthy and sounds delicious. 

An Apple A Day

According to apple.com forum commenter timcookies69, COVID-19 was created by Bill Gates and is transmitted through computers running the Microsoft Windows operating system. To avoid the disease, timcookies69 recommends users replace their Macbooks, iPads, and iPhones with the latest versions at least once every two to three days.

Gin And Tonic

The all-natural version of hydroxychloroquine, quinine, is found in tonic water in such small amounts that no one would recommend it as a cure, except the founder of GnT69.org, who also sells them for $99 a case! Non-medical professional salespeople from the website recommend drinking at least 4 Gin & Tonics per day to keep you safe from the invisible enemy and help you relax after a hard day of teleworking. 

Unregulated Alien Vaccine 

Although human scientists around the globe are racing to develop a vaccine for the coronavirus, aliens have already developed one, according to a message by xphile69 in the comments section of the website lizardsamongus.net. The alien vaccine involves standing in xphile69’s corn field (entrance fee: $99) and walking in an infinity pattern while smearing leftover hog mash on your face. My uncle know it’s safe because “unlike most Earth medical researchers, extraterrestrial scientists are not in the pocket of Big Pharma.”

The COVID-Busting Hammer

According to user mchammer69 from the website thisoldhousecures.com, hitting oneself in the head with the COVID-Busting Hammer (retail price $999, on sale NOW for only $99) 8-10 times with as much force as one can muster can completely cure COVID-19! Use mchammer69, a non-doctor with no medical training whatsoever, recommends that affected individuals take this medication 3 times daily with food, and added, “if the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”

Health Water (™)

Founder of the website watercovidcure.biz going by the handle waterboi69 discovered that the virus SARS-COV-2 can be destroyed by fresh, all-natural Health Water (™) that can only be purchased from his basement!  Since the infection is in the lungs, instead of swallowing this medication, one must breathe in water in order to destroy the virus.  Completely immerse your head in water and breathe for 10-20 minutes, and the coronavirus will be the least of your problems!  For best results, use special lung healing water, available at the website watercovidcure.biz for the low price of $99 per quart.

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