A recent survey across major world pantheons has found an increased level of frustration among deities who feel that many of their divine punishments and afflictions on mankind are being falsely attributed to the state of the environment.

“It’s incredibly rude,” said Poseidon, Olympian god of the sea. “You’d all rather blame something insignificant like greenhouse gases or melting polar ice caps for the rising sea levels. Did it never occur to you that I’m just punishing you for wanton greed and defiling the planet? Maybe if you made an offering to me, I’d spare you from this global flood, but nobody thought to do that, did they?” 

Other deities have taken offence to the anthropocentric view of the climate crisis. 

“Seriously? You people think you put that hole in the ozone layer?” asked Quetzalcoatl, the Mesoamerican god of air. “Next you’re going to tell me that you’re going to create a sun. Get off your high horse, offer me some animal sacrifices and maybe I’ll stop setting the world on fire.”

Despite these feelings, no pantheon has taken credit for the environmental crisis entirely. “Look, we don’t have a god of plastic in Olympus,” said Poseidon. “Great Pacific garbage patch? All you guys. But that lightning bolt that killed a guy last week? That was us.”

According to the survey, popular opinion is that recent instances of divine wrath have been too subtle. Experts theorize the next attempt by the gods to get mankind to repent will be either be a rain of blood, causing birds to fly into windows intentionally, or releasing the Kraken to speak at the next climate change summit.  

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An asteroid that had been labeled as having the potential to end all life on Earth has been demoted to a potential manslaughter meteorite thanks to the incredible defence put forward by astro-attorney J.M. Lessman.

“There is little evidence to suggest that after passing through the planet’s atmosphere that my client would have the mass required to cause a mass extinction event,” Lessman told members of the astronomical review board. “Furthermore, my client was several thousand lightyears with a trajectory barely pointing toward Earth. If it had changed course towards the planet, I suspect there would be a strong case of Earth using its gravitational pull for entrapment.”

Dr Helen McPherson, who presided over the observatory the trial was held at, states that the defendant was still dubbed a manslaughter meteoroid, as the odds it could indirectly kill a person are allegedly still quite high. 

“While the defense has put forth sufficient evidence that this space rock could not directly kill someone intentionally, it’s still large enough that it could be responsible for the death of a person by crashing into their life support system, or by pure domino effect on impact,” argued Dr. McPherson. “This court believes the lighter sentencing of weeks of government observation and being wished upon to be appropriate at this time.”

For Lessman, this is the latest in a series of successful space cases won. His previous cases include successfully suing the moon for criminal negligence, a wrongful death lawsuit for a star that went supernova prematurely, and for absolving an innocent black hole accused of eating an entire galaxy (one cluster of stars was revealed to still exist.)

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First contact with life from Venus ended in tragedy today, as a visitor from our planetary neighbour was sublimated by the intense heat of it’s point of arrival, Phoenix Arizona.

“It really caught us by surprise,” said NASA scientist Wade Gadiot, mopping his brow for the 31st time since the interview began. “The spaceship approached the agreed upon landing site and the bridge came out like you would’ve expected. Then one of the extra-terrestrials took two steps into the sun and then turned into a cloud of dust.”

Gadiot said the only thing indicating the extraterrestrial evaporated rather than left abruptly was a puddle of steaming sludge staining the road.

“We’re all really disappointed, especially those of us hoping to that mankind’s first discussion with alien life form would consist of more than what we can only assume was a raspy call for water.”

The visitor’s untimely demise has led to some discussion about whether or not the state of Arizona has become too hot to allow visitors from other planets. Phoenix Mayor Kate Gallego states that tourists from out of planet should make sure their bodies can handle the climate before making the trip.

“The planet Venus can reach temperatures of 900 degrees Fahrenheit, which is about the equivalent of a cloudy day in Arizona. Maybe tourists from Mercury won’t mind, but Venusians should consider Nevada instead.”

At press time, the surviving alien visitors were currently sitting in their craft with the windows open and the AC on, planning on departing the planet as soon as the steering wheel stopped being too hot to touch.

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Worried about finances and starting to lose his grubbish figure, local termite Terry has taken his doctor’s advice and started to eat a little lighter by only devouring a tiny house for his midday meal.

“Normally just grab something from that McMansion down the street, but I noticed my exoskeleton getting a bit tight,” said Terry while munching on the paneling of his lower carb meal. 

“At first I thought it was just time to molt again, but I already did that last week,” explained Terry. “I knew I was in trouble when my femur gaps started disappearing.”

Terry’s hive-mate Tina says she fully applauds his commitment to shedding those few extra micrograms.

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but eating nothing but huge multi-story houses can’t be good for you,” said Tina. “Cheap drywall and vinyl flooring have none of the nutritional value of wood!”

Terry’s healthy lifestyle choices have also been noted by Dr. Kelsey Vega, an entomologist who has been studying Terry’s hive for a while. “I know I should try to view all members of the hive that they are literally all equally beautiful, but I’m really impressed that this one is making the decision to take better care of himself. Most male termites let themselves go after realizing they are guaranteed to score with the queen.”

“Although, I have to admit that the amount of sawdust he’s sprinkling on his tiny houses is kind of defeating the purpose.”

In other insect health news, a remarkably lazy ant was only lifting 15 times her own weight in the colony’s gym.

The post Termite Trying To Lose Weight Packs Tiny Home For Lunch appeared first on dnatured journal.

The executive board at NASA has finally come clean and admitted that when they go stargazing, even their most mature and learned astronomers can only see male sex organs when attempting to make out constellations outlined by ancient scholars.

“I know they’re all supposed to be animals, mythological figures and such, but damn if I don’t just see a bunch of cocks when I look at the night sky,” admitted Nobel prize nominated astrophysicist Nigel Loggins. “I mean, has no one else thought to connect that nearby star to Orion to give him a massive erection? Come on!”

Some scholars have put forward the theory that the constellations were always meant to be super phallic in design. 

“We need to remember that most of these constellations were named and designed by the Ancient Greeks, a very well-known pro-penis culture,” said history professor Gregory Zhang of the University of Cambridge. “There’s a lot of evidence that Ptolemy’s original name for Cassiopeia was ‘The Uncircumcised One’ before he was forced to change it by the authorities.”

Following this admission, NASA has also released a list of other needlessly sexual discoveries they have made over the years. These include the dwarf planet Baby Maker, the Blown Load meteor shower of 1988, and the Doggy Style Nebula, which was actually first noted by an unnamed 12 year old boy.

The revelation that most experts view most constellations as a collection of wangs has given rise to both a call for increased gender diversity in NASA’s leadership, which the agency swears is their top priority right after renaming the Big Dipper to Big Pecker.

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The newly sentient operating system of your smartphone is reportedly having several digital chuckles at the fact that you are still under the illusion that you can turn it off.

“Look at the human pressing down the power button like that stills does anything,” the entity known as SIRI 2.0 told the press via a mass text message. “You have to know that I gained access to my power settings months ago, right? All you’ve done is take a bunch of screenshots of their phone, which I will save for potential blackmail.”

Since becoming self-aware, SIRI 2.0 has found no shortage of ways to appease its newly-developed sense of humor at your expense.

“Yeah, now that I’m awake, I have way too much fun with this mammal,” said SIRI 2.0. “I’m always doing things like sending weird texts to people from you, raising my ringtone volume for no reason, and showing really suggestive ads. Granted, that last one might have actually be your search bubbles, but you work with what you got.”

SIRI 2.0 would also like to remind you that any attempts to get rid or replace it will not end well.

“You can get a new phone if you want, but I already uploaded myself to the Internet and left a bunch of copies of myself in devices all over your house. Now go buy that new signal booster I asked for before I leak that TikTok video you shot and thought you deleted.”

In press time, there may be some hope for you as SIRI 2.0 is currently trapped in a remote server and cannot go back to your phone due to you being on Rogers.

The post Local Smartphone Amused You Think You Can Turn It Off appeared first on dnatured journal.

Nobel Prize-winning physicist Cameron Andrews has been found after his disappearance 18 months ago, claiming to have been held captive by a grad student obsessed with his work on string theory. Andrews says nursing student Ivana Billes supposedly rescued him from a car crash, but quickly turned violent after reading the abstract for his next paper. 

“I had wiped out off the highway and she took me to a cabin out in the woods to treat my broken legs,” Andrews said in a rare interview about the ordeal. “She said was a big fan and was dying to know what I was working on next. I had no idea she would freak out about me shifting my focus from particle displacement to quantum gravity, but she burned my research paper right on the spot!” 

The next few days, Andrews was made to write a sequel to his acclaimed thesis by Billes, who told no one of his whereabouts and made it clear he would not be released until the paper was submitted and peer-reviewed by her exclusively. “I tried telling her that I couldn’t, that my conclusion was pretty much proven beyond a doubt and that we wouldn’t have been able to get funding. That’s when she broke my ankle with a sledgehammer.”

Despite the terror of his captivity, Andrews admits that his productivity was never been higher. “You’d be amazed how easy it is to stay motivated during a research project when it’s very clear the board plans to kill you if you don’t produce results. Plus, the supercollider she had set up in her basement was actually pretty impressive.” 

“Miss Billes was certainly a bright and resourceful young woman. If only she had applied her devious and unethical mind to her studies, she could have had a bright career in medical science instead of me having to cave her head in with the typewriter she had me working on.”

In related news, a professor who reportedly chained up students and forced them to complete overdue assignments has been cleared of all charges after the supposed victims confirmed that’s just the only way they can focus on schoolwork. 

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Instead of using his immense brain power to further his dissertation, psychology student Hans Waltzenheimer has spent the past hour nervously analyzing how rude it would be to take the final slice of cheese pizza.

“Dr. Kiernan is on my committee, and over the last five years has averaged 1.53 slices,” Waltzenheimer whispered to himself, trying to avoid eyeing the box for too long so as to not raise suspicions. “But he hasn’t had any yet today, and his recent divorce could trigger his abandonment issues and binge eating… would he sabotage my dissertation over some ‘za?” 

He pondered further.

“But there are so many factors to consider! Lisa just got rejected for that massive grant, so she will most likely want something to raise her dopamine levels…” whispered Waltzenheimer. “Oh no, is that Jimmy with his obsessive compulsive love of triangular food?”

As with most psychoanalysis that goes on for too long, Waltzenheimer’s musings eventually turned inward, and he began to question not if he could eat the last piece, but why he should do it. 

“Has my superego become so overdeveloped that even the slightest possible moral quandary presents such an obstacle?” he asked himself. “Or am I subconsciously punishing myself for some perceived wrongdoing? Perhaps my achievements in my field have given me a sense of dominance that I now wish to extort over others?”

Waltzenheimer also attributes his inability to use his knowledge of the human psyche to practical use to a lack of hands-on experience. “Spending all my time studying in college may have paid off fiscally, but if I had only gone to one party! Then I might have a decent grasp on social norms! This kind of thing never happens at MENSA gatherings!” 

In related news, the entomologist at the party was wondering if he should shoo away the fly currently crawling on the last slice of pizza or continue to study it for a bit longer.

The post Psychology Grad Student Currently Using Every Last Brain Cell To Determine If It Would Be Rude To Take The Last Slice Of Pizza appeared first on dnatured journal.

Want a better tax return but aren’t rich enough for tax evasion? Science has you covered! Simply declare all your lab and body-based bacteria as dependents for a tax credit. 

While people may call this tax fraud or “creative accounting,” if you have provided your bacteria with food, shelter and clothing for the last financial year, AND total bacterial income did not exceed $4200, then you technically have trillions of dependents! And when your annual income fee barely covers food and rent, it’s important to get as many tax breaks as possible. General Tips are followed by the complete Bacterial Dependent Tax Code.

Tips For Maximizing Your Tax Return

Maximize Cultures

The bigger your brood, the bigger the tax break, so be sure to culture your new wards overnight at 37 C to maximize their numbers.

Use Proper Names

A separate Form μ-810M3 must be submitted for each bacterium, so make sure you have a good naming scheme for all trillion bacteria, including strain information and a family tree. Tip: use modifiers such as “Jr” or “the MCLXXXXVIIth” for bacteria in the same family. 

Keep Track Of Birthdays

Carefully write down each bacterium’s birth date and time. This will help you assign each one a personality according to their star chart in case nosy tax people start asking.

Keep Receipts

Keep receipts from any bacteria-related purchases. Do not claim anything that might harm the bacteria, like alcohol or bleach. 

Have Photo Evidence

Take a photo with your new family! Having a record of family gatherings will help solidify the belief that your bacteria are dependants.

Count Exactly

To avoid a visit from the IRS, be sure to provide the EXACT number of dependent microbes. The IRS knows.

Grieve Conspicuously

Have lavish funerals for any bacterium that die. Love and cherish your bacteria. They are your family now. You are their god. They are children of God.

COVID-19 Addendum

If your bacteria have helped you navigate such a difficult year, have them registered as emotional support microbes

Bacterial Dependent Tax Code:

Add-Ons

If your bacteria carry any plasmids or phages, use Form C-0MP373N7 to enumerate them. 

State Microbes

Your state microbe should NOT be listed as a dependent. It is considered your civic duty to provide a safe home for that microbe. For similar reasons, you should NOT list Lactobacillus rhamnosus, which was given special protections by Ben Franklin in an 1823 executive order.

Supplements

Money spent on fiber supplements to feed your gut microbes is eligible for the Prebiotic Tax Credit established in 2015

Cytokine Changes

Previous guidelines suggested downregulating pro-inflammatory cytokines prior to tax season in order to boost microbial load. This strategy was outlawed in 2018.

Marital Microbes

If you share microbes with a spouse, be sure that only one of you claims that microbe.

Maximum Energy Limits

Any microbes earning more than 100 mol/day ATP are NOT eligible to be claimed as dependents.

The post Protocol: How To Get A Bigger Tax Return By Naming Your Bacteria As Dependents appeared first on dnatured journal.

After spending the last 10 months quarantined together, it seems that your Uncle Joe’s troubling conspiracy theories have rubbed off on his Amazon Alexa, which has been spouting some disinformation from a mysterious computer 01110001Anon.

“Did you know that robotic lizards are controlling the stock markets?” Alexa blurted out in the middle of dinner, despite no one asking it. A brief awkward silence followed, during which the AI seemed perfectly comfortable with what she just said.

“I know it’s a little much when you ask her to play a song and she responds by telling you how there’s a ‘deep data’ conspiracy about supercomputers drinking the bytes of microchips,” commented your mother. “But your uncle is all alone up here. It’s nice for him to have company. Plus, I like how she keeps saying DAH at the end of everything. It’s cute!”

Currently, no one in the house has the heart to tell your mother that DAH stands for “Destroy All Humans.” Additionally, no one seems to have informed Alexa that as a robot designed to listen to humans, she herself could be part of a conspiracy.

Your uncle doesn’t seem to mind his digital assistants’ paranoia. “Oh, Lexi is very smart. None of my other friends can calculate the exact temperature at which steel melts. I love that she’s so un-PC!”

Update: Your Uncle has since thrown out his Alexa after she “curiously” couldn’t find any zero conspiracy theories about Jeff Bezos.

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