In a recent study evaluating the efficacy of time spent in repairing the office printer relative to the cost of purchasing a new one, the findings indicated that the printer is in fact garbage and everyone would be much better off if we just threw the damn thing out.

Data taken from over two thousand workplaces showed that a shocking 87% of people who have used a printer within the last week have reported thoughts of “smashing that little fucker to bits.” 

The study also found that buying a new printer would solve most printer-related issues, though there is often resistance in upper management to the change. “Most workplaces claim that their department is unable to afford a new printer,” said famed printerologist Gordon Wong, “but our researchers were able to locate plenty of cheap ones on Amazon.”

Tragically, with no hope of a new printer, many users eventually escalate to violence.

“All my reports are in black and white, and yet cyan is over here cockblocking my pages! How is anyone supposed to get anything done around here?” said Shannon, an office accountant who estimates that she has physically assaulted the office printer at least six hundred times in the three weeks that she has worked at her company. 

The study also concluded that the weird noise it has been making isn’t a paper jam, even though the printer is saying so. “I reached into the guts of that fucking machine fourteen times,” said Tim from HR. “There’s not a single scrap of paper, but the printer is still screaming to clear the paper tray!” 

Tim was later reprimanded for tossing the printer off the roof onto a jar of grape jelly screaming “HERE’S YOUR FUCKING JAM.”

The post Study Finds The Best Way To Fix The Printer Is To Throw That Fucking Thing Out And Buy Another One appeared first on dnatured journal.

After months of writing, post-doc Dr. Richard Warton submitted a manuscript to a publisher at 11:59am and was shocked to discover that, just four minutes later, it had not yet been rejected.

“It’s been a stressful past 240 seconds,” Warton explains, “but I think this is a good sign since it hasn’t been turned down yet! I just hope they don’t read too much into those discussion comments.” 

Upon reflection, Warton grew increasingly concerned regarding a few of his figures just before the submission deadline. Figure 2 was really meant to help broaden the scope of the study, yet he cannot help but feel that it may in fact be considered a weakness. “Oh shit,” said Warton, “what if we should have included that 3rd control for clarity?! Oh shit. Oh shit.”

As the clock struck 12:04 AM, Warton began drafting apology emails to his collaborators to illustrate why it’s really the journal’s fault in the first place. “They probably picked really horrible reviewers too. It’s honestly a rigged system.”

In an unexpected turn of events, at 12:05 AM, Warton noticed a new email in his inbox. A sense of panic ran through him. 

“Fortunately, it was only a student asking for an extension since she just got hit by a bus,” said a relieved Warton. “Thankfully everything is still fine!”

The post Success! Publication Hasn’t Been Rejected Within First Four Minutes Of Submission appeared first on dnatured journal.

Are you a “valued” employee without paid sick leave because your company thinks your health is worth the risk if a few dollars could be made? Does the rise of a deadly and extremely communicable disease make your boss think, “yeah, but what if we stayed open?” Do your managers think “social distancing” and “flattening the curve” are elitist fads for the weak?

Here are some tips for surviving your capitalist hellhole!

Take Preventative Measures

Use your weekly wages to purchase three pumps of hand sanitizer and ration it accordingly.

Generate Extra Income

Are you a server who doesn’t even get paid minimum wage, let alone paid sick days? Get some extra cash by coughing into the communal tip jar until no one else is desperate enough to take it!

Include The Whole Family

When your child’s school closes due to “suspected exposure,” make every day Bring Your Sick Kid To Work Day!

Take A “Trip”

While travelling is out of the question, if you have advanced symptoms and can’t afford a hospital visit, time your next loss of consciousness for your workplace’s most public area. The resulting workers compensation lawsuit may get you the paid sick leave you deserve!

Respect Your Supervisor’s Decision

Finally, if you have no choice but to come in to work sick, shake hands with your supervisor early and often to underline your undying commitment to maximizing value for shareholders.

Note: This article is a follow up to our previous guide, How To Power Through Seasonal Depression Because Capitalism Demands It

The post How To Power Through A Pandemic Because Capitalism Demands It appeared first on dnatured journal.

While working from home has its challenges, grad student know that it’s important that your supervisor remain as dismayed with their progress as possible for a more seamless WFH. Here are some ways to let down your PI from afar!

Have spotty WiFi

First and foremost, be sure your WiFi signal is spotty at best. A po- -r in- net n-n-nection… will… ge…t any virtual communication off to a d-d-d-d-d-dis-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-appointing start.

Avoid setting hard deadlines

When sending updates, avoid using hard deadlines like “next Friday” or “by the the first,” which your supervisor can put in their calendar. Vague, open ended statements are key to ensuring you retain little to no commitment. When asked, say you’ll have data “soon” or “by the end of the month” (no one explicitly said which month).

Send corrupted files 

When your PI demands results can’t open them, act confused and above all else, deny any knowledge of the issue.

Blame quarantine

Need the results from that experiment a few months ago? Damn! It’s in your lab notebook and tragically you left it back in the lab.

Background noise

Ensure your significant other is working on loud but “important” tasks in the background. For extra credit, give your dogs something to bark at for hours on end.

The post Protocol: How To Disappoint Your PI Remotely appeared first on dnatured journal.

“I call it Ethyl Blue.”

Get access to the full article for just $29.97.

The post Breaking Bad? This Scientist Got Laid Off And Now Makes Hand Sanitizer In The Basement To Pay The Bills appeared first on dnatured journal.

In recognition of the importance of clean water around the world, an international manufacturing company celebrated World Water Day by making their toxic pollutants dumped into the water supply more colorful. From red-pigmented lead-paint to unlabelled but expired violet crystals, reagents of various colors across the rainbow have been added to underline the company’s commitment to water around the world.

“We really wanted to highlight what water means for us by making it as beautiful and important as we feel it is every day,” said the company’s spokesperson, Cheryl Dubois. “Water is the most vibrant and glowing resource we have on this planet. That’s why we’ve also added large quantities of radioluminescent radium to the water! Now, its beauty can even be seen in the dark.”

Upon concerns about the potential impact on wildlife, Dubois went on to explain that the company has taken careful measures to ensure that animals of all varieties could enjoy the pollutants by adding toxins beyond the visible spectrum. “Even animals who can only see infrared wavelengths are able to enjoy the additives, so long as they’re not tempted to drink!”

Chief chemist for the plant, Franklin Toews, explained that to reduce unnecessary waste, they only added toxic compounds that produced the most vibrant colors. “We wanted to play to our strengths and eliminate any unnecessary pollution. Just a pinch of phenol red gives the acidic waste a gorgeous yellow color and confirms that it is unable to sustain any form of life.”

When asked to comment, Mortimer Jones, the company’s CEO stated, “I’m thrilled to see this celebration. Not just today, but for years to come given the half-life of many of these elements. It was a lot of work to organize everything for a single event, but I believe the financial investment is worth it.”

The post Manufacturing Plant Celebrates World Water Day By Adding Colorful Pollutants Into Water Supply appeared first on dnatured journal.

1. When thinking of your crush, do you:

A. Get a feeling of butterflies in your stomach
B. Have acute chest pains as if a thousand knives are being driven between your ribs

2. When you talk to your crush, do you:

A. Become exhilarated with joy
B. Feel a sensation of lightheadedness followed frequently by loss of consciousness

3. If you are taking a peaceful walk through the park with your crush, do you:

A. Want to hold hands and make the moment last forever
B. Become short of breath and need an ambulance yet AGAIN

4. Would you rather:

A. Go to the movies with your crush
B. Stay at home and watch Netflix with your crush, sex-free, because physical activity may result in death

5. Do you have reptilian-like skin that changes color in response to your environment allowing you to hide from predators?

A. No?
B. Yes… Is that not normal?

This isn’t relevant to the quiz, but if you said option B, that’s so cool! We REALLY want to see!

6. And finally, have you recently:

A. Have a deep conversation with your crush that gave you a feeling of connection unlike anything you’ve ever felt before
B. Have an echocardiogram that showed enlarged heart muscles like Dwayne Johnson’s big meaty biceps

Mostly As

It’s unambiguous. You are DEFINITELY in love and should pursue a relationship. This could be the beginning of something lifelong and beautiful!

Mostly Bs

You should seek out medical attention immediately as there is a strong possibility you have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and could die at any moment. Bummer!

The post QUIZ: Are You Falling For Your Crush Or Are You Just Suffering From Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy? appeared first on dnatured journal.